Can I get a do-over?

Tech and me - not a match

2011-02-25T06:19:00.001-08:00

Could I be any less of a techno person? I've started a new blog to go from here and made it private. I'm happy to invite anyone who has asked so far, but I *think* I need your email address? For those of you who are followers here, you would think I could just invite you that way - maybe I can??? So, please email me with your email - or tell me how to do it easier!

Restricting blog access

2011-02-24T18:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to begin to restrict blog access to protect my family from hatefulness. No, there hasn't been much on this site, but I'm ready to start opening up about where we are now - which is a new place. SO...if you'd like to continue to access my blog, please let me know by commenting on this post. I have to invite you by email, so if I don't have your email address - you can also email me with that info at zougirl@comcast.net. At this time I may actually 'start' a new blog that will be different and by invite only and pick up our story.

I don't have to know you personally, but please do let me know a bit about you or how/where you found me.

Thanks! Sorry for the inconvenience, but really do want to tell the majority of you what is going on and have been too scared to do it in open forum.

Why do we cry?

2011-02-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

I have not been very good at coming over here and posting lately. I think I'm trying to ignore so much of what's going on...and it's hard to write about it when you are ignoring it.

A few notes of late:
My grandmama is sick and not doing well overall. I'm going to head home to see her - because I absolutely cannot stand the feeling of being this far away. I feel so connected to her and while there are reasons, what I'm feeling now seems somewhat unreasonable. I cry a lot and randomly and she's still here. She hurts and I don't want her to. Anyway, soon I'll spend a few days with her - away from the rest of life and I'll always know I had that time.

DS1 and DD are both doing well. There is a calm here right now, but an underlying stress about DS2...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are working on solutions for the long term, but it's still hard to think beyond tomorrow. He's safe where he is and seems to be doing well there - although I did find out that he and some other boys broke into the school store last night. It doesn't sound major - but it also doesn't sound like great progress from the things he's done before. I'm just not sure there is some fabulous answer that solves every issue.

I feel as though I'm grieving him lately...it's hard to look at pictures and some of those tears I'm shedding are for him or from him or over him...all mixed up.

2011 is 4 days old

2011-01-04T17:46:00.000-08:00

First of all...second semester of DS1's freshman year has just begun and it's time to register him for his sophomore year. I don't know how they really expect us to know what classes he should take. We don't even know what classes he'll do well in this semester. So, the pressure now sits on his 14 year old shoulders to sign up for AP, College ready, Honors and basic classes. I do not remember the stress of these decisions when I was in high school. On his first night back to school he had four hours of homework. Then you read about AP and it tells you over and over that it's a larger homework committment. How is a kid supposed to feel good about committing to more than 4 hours of homework per night? Keeping up with the Joneses has never felt so scary...I hope that pushing him to do his best is not causing him to scrape the bottom. In the end, we will let it be his decision...painful as that may be!

DH spoke to DS2 last night. He was in good spirits and had no real complaints. He seemed very excited that all the new kids were coming in - school classes started there today - and was looking forward to meeting them all. I didn't talk to him. I will say that I'm sick - truly am - and have been basically sleeping for 4 days. But, deep down...I just wasn't ready to talk to him. I want to have positive things to say when I do talk to him. I'm not there yet. Christmas break was again, painful. I can say a million times that I won't get my hopes up, but I do. After they are dashed again...well, it's hard to stay positive.

DD is doing well over all. She continues to sabotage herself in tiny ways. Today she spent the better part of the day worried that she didn't know what two of her spelling words meant. She knew she would have to write sentences tonight and was so worked up before she even got home. I wish she could gain some perspective...but after five years I have to realize, she just may not ever gain that perspective.

DH is fighting with insurance companies over his mom's benefits. It's stressing him out majorly. Life becomes confusing when you have to start caring for the people that used to care for you. Full circle...

I hope that everyone is well and happy in these first few days of the new year! Can't believe it's 2011!!!

2011 moves in

2010-12-31T15:23:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow starts a new year...2011 is here. How can that be? It's amazing how fast 2010 flew by. It seems it never even happened...but it did. 2010 wasn't a great year for our family. I'm hoping 2011 will be the turn around.

We took DS2 to his new school a few days ago. It seems like a better fit. Still holding back on total belief in an answer. Just don't want to be disappointed.

They tell us that he settled right in and was joking and enjoying his time. They do understand what that is...they understand that the other will come.

After our trip I cleaned DS2's room. Again...I found things I don't want to find. Lots of untaken pills, lots of chewed up gum stuck in carpet...and a note from a girl at his last school. It was a reminder note that she is his "mommy"...not to worry, she'll always be his mommy. Wow...

I don't even know if he understands what a mom is...but apparently he has one that lives elsewhere.

The "I don't even know what to title this" post

2010-12-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

DS2 has been revealing some very interesting stories to us - when I say 'us' I mean sister and brother. He doesn't really talk to DH and I at all...at least not in a way that either of us can understand. We've learned the following in his few days here at home:
1. He was jumped in to a gang while at school this semester. He respects the boys that did it and they are more of a family to him than we ever will be. He feels that gangs are families for life.
2. He climbed up on a steel trash bin and jumped into the arms of one of his 'homies' who was supposed to catch him and the boy pulled back and DS2 hit the ground with his face first. That caused the bruising that we've been asking about since he got home.
3. He hates that people don't believe him and that is why he gets angry. He doesn't think it's wrong to get so mad so fast.
4. He believes that WE choose to pull him out of school. He thinks that everyone at school loved him very much and will be very sad without him there...we are the enemy of him staying with his 'friends' and new 'family'. That is why he isn't going back.

Interestingly, I do believe him - the whole entire story. I believe that his fight at school did have something to do with becoming a member of a gang. I am not saying that he joined the bloods or crypts while at school...but I think they called themselves a gang and I think they taught him about gangs as families. He found somewhere he felt he belonged.

The fact that these same boys used him as a scapegoat for all their misdeeds - the fact that he was, at best, a laughing stock to them - the fact that he was injured at their hands numerous times...none of this plays into his thought process. I asked him what he would have thought if we had jumped him in to our family...his answer??? "That would have been fine because then you would have gone to jail for child abuse". Fun.

DH and I are at odds right now. He believes firmly that it's all lies...that none of this occurred and that DS2 is simply trying to rile us up. I think it's the closest he's ever come to being 'clean' with us. I agree that he is saying it all to rile us up - but I believe firmly that sometimes the truth can do that. Chafe us...pain us...tear us to the bone. I sent my child away for help and he came back slightly more soulless than when he left.

I can't even grieve it all anymore. I'm lost for the next step. He goes to his new school/placement on December 30. We're all going to drive him there and have our good-byes. When we told him about where he's headed, there was no reaction at all. I guess somewhere in the deepest part of my gut, I wanted him to be sad - I wanted to see an iota of hope that he would like to stay here with us.

We are so broken and I'm not able to glue anything together anymore. I feel like he deserves so much more than me as a mother. I feel like I deserve so much more than what is happening to all of us now.

Off topic - my parents came for a long weekend and we had a lovely time. We got along and talked and enjoyed each other...I do miss them very much and I'm so happy that we were able to have that time. It renewed my faith in a million tiny little ways.

Then it led me back to the fact that no matter how old I am - I want my mommy to love me. Almost more than anything. I won't ever have the love of my biological father - he's unable to give that...and I've grown to accept that very crappy little detail. But, I need something to root me as the person I believed I was as I grew up. Having a parent that thinks you are a pretty good person is a gift. I'm sure it will continue to come and go...but for now, I'll take it.

Will my son ever want a mommy who loves him? And, when he finally does...will I be able to?

the final's' bomb

2010-12-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

Overwhelmed would describe it right now...my heart mostly is overwhelmed.

Here we are at the crossroads of the exact thing I talk about. Does anyone believe in self-fulfilling prophesy? I was taught about that a lot in church as a child. You should never say something that you don't want to have happen...speak positives and they will come true. I try, really.

One of my biggest fears about raising one (or two depending on the day) troubled child(ren) is the fallout on the other kid(s). It's hard to balance. Even with DS2 not living here right now, there is a constant presence over our home. Of course, I do not want to erase him...

DS1 is struggling right now. It's a big change from anything we've dealt with before. Teen age drama - yes...more than that? I don't know. I remember being his age and thinking that pretty much everything about my family was totally whack. I was sure that I knew a better way and I could do everything better than my parents could do. I think that every teen goes through this time and it's ok if he feels he is smarter and brighter and more wonderful than us in every way.

Here is where I worry...bad grades, wanting to be alone all the time, loss of his sense of humor, grunting, anger, not doing work that is due...sadness in general.

He told me that he doesn't want DS2 to come home. He's worried about what this will do to his break. He is completely self centered right now - it's all about him. Isn't that true of all teens? I pointed out that DS2 will be home and no matter what that can't be changed. We have fun plans for Christmas break...we have family coming into town. We are going to make the best of it no matter what DS2 decides to do with his time home. I don't think he believes me. I don't think he believes we have control over DS2. I don't know that we do.

Things came out that happened over last break that I didn't even know about. At this point, DS2 will have to be on full line of sight. I hate that - but I have to listen to my other two kids...who have both asked to not be alone with him at all.

DS1's math teacher called today. He got a low D on his final. He had worked his butt off. Week one was tough and then he realized it was time to get 'serious'. He went in to school early almost every day to work with her. He studied at home and turned in his work. She wanted to let me know that two weeks ago, it all changed. Since then he hasn't turned in any homework...he didn't do his study guide for his final and that led to the D. His semester grade dropped to a C. He also did poorly on two other finals.

I question whether I should have been more involved with his finals and studying. I offered myself to him in any way I could help and he continued to grunt that he had it under control. I let him be - it's high school and I can't follow him to college, right? He has to figure it out. But, maybe I'm too 'out of his life'. Although he's pushing away, maybe he needs to be drawn in closer?

A lady I work with has a sign that says "parenting is like being pecked to death by chickens". It's funny...and true. It's just the daily loss of tiny pieces of your heart - tiny pieces of your child(ren) drifting off from you. High school is tough. You know (and they know) that the clock is counting down...it's now a matter of 3.5 short years before he leaves. Am I pushing at him as much as he's pushing at me?

wants of a wanted woman

2010-11-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

I want to talk to him. Really, really talk to him. I want to have a conversation that consists of more than me asking if he's making good choices and him mumbling an answer I can't hear. I want to sit with him and talk. About something - about nothing...about the fact that we care about each other and therefore can talk about anything.

What if that never happens?

I'm living in guilt world lately. That guilt that I can't do enough for him...I've failed him. The guilt that I hate the people in Russia who did this to him for real. I even hate the people in Russia that lied about his emotional health. I did tell them I couldn't do this. I was honest. The 'good' part of this is that I learned that I can do most things when I have to...I never wanted to - but here I am...doing it. I'll readily admit that I'm doing it poorly, but doing it nonetheless.

We still can't tell him that he's been expelled...we won't be able to tell him for quite a while. I think they said 48 prior to him leaving...ummmm...that's December 15. Goodness. It's hard to think of things to say. I want to tell him what's next. Of course, we need to be sure of what's next.

The program in Utah is in full swing. We've got a spot held for him. I'm struggling with being excited. It sounds like exactly what he needs. It is exactly what he needed the first time. I let a rush of emotions and a rush of actual timing lead us down the wrong path. The school he's at now has done nothing for him. It has simply kept him away from here. That is not good enough.

It scares me to think it won't work...that residential treatment won't work. What is the step beyond that? I hope we don't ever have to find out. On the other hand, it scares me a bit that it may work. We have never lived in a household where DS2 fits. Never had the time of him being a normal member of our family. There hasn't been a time of calm that includes him. Not, at least for a LONG time...you'd have to go back to our honeymoon to find it. Did it feel calm to him ever?

I doubt it.

I realize now that both DS2 and DD have spent every moment in high alert mode. Figuring out if we were safe - if we would still be there after school...deciding whether or not loving us, respecting us and giving us a chance was doable. And, all that leads me to DD.

She is struggling. Does it have a thing to do with adoption or attachment? Not sure. Some of it is normal stuff: I'm never right - she always is. I can't speak two words without her speaking over me...pretty basic pre-teen behaviors.

However, do other kids do it get in trouble? Do they try to be 'bad' so that they feel rewarded? I still sense that is a lot of her reasoning. When I force her to calm herself and listen in a safe way - it nearly kills her. Truthfully - I can feel her heartrate speed up, I can see her eyes tear at the corners. She does not want to be treated fairly. That, I do believe, is based in her past.

I just so badly want my dreams of the future to be more than dreams. I want to talk to him. I want to be trusted by her. I want DS1 to never feel that our choice to adopt changed his life for only the negative. I want all these things...it's all I'm putting on my Christmas list.

rambling...

2010-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

We have found a program/school in Utah that can and wants to take DS2 after Christmas break. They actually would like him to come sooner, but I'm trying to just ride everything out right now.

It's more of a residential treatment type program. They live in homes with a smaller group of kids and really work on living in a family environment. Each moment is a teaching moment. The goal of the program is not only academic - although they catch kids up to grade level before they are returned to family...but it's more emotional. They can't make any promise - but they want to return him to our family to live in a functional environment for all five of us.

I feel hope when I talk to them - but I'm tempering that hope. I felt hope that his school in KY was an answer. So, I don't want to hang everything on this hook either. I'm still looking for options because I've learned to have a plan B, C and D at all times.

I continue to be amazed at how many families have the stories we do. Sure, each family has a slightly different twist - but there is so much struggle and so much pain out there. Enough to go around for sure. While I feel a strange comfort in knowing we are not alone - I feel such an empty place that so many have ended up here. So much pain in so many little ones...and I wonder if they will be able to grow up and have normal lives. I'm worried about a generation of lost souls wandering alone.

Stress is weighing heavily on me. I push everyone away and get angry that no one is around for me. I'm trying VERY HARD to show a positive attitude and even harder to not take any of this out on DD and DS1. I haven't really slept in a while. Exhaustion can make a person crazy. I swear that I can't remember anything for more than 15 minutes.

We had dinner out last night and we truthfully had a nice time. That was a relief. We talked about normal family stuff and laughed and shared veggies. So, life goes on with a zombie for a mother...a zombie trying to pretend to be normal.

The squares

2010-11-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

I hate not being able to tell him that he's coming home for good at Christmas. It's lying by omission. I get the reasoning I suppose. Kids that know their time is up there can act up physically and become even more disruptive. The list of things they are worried about - well, it's still hard for me to fathom DS2 falling into that category. I just wish I could promise them he wouldn't do those things. I know I can't. I don't think I know what he will or won't be able to do. I would have never thought that he would do the things he has done. I truthfully thought that getting away from us would be the answer to his behavioral problems. I thought that being back in a dorm setting and not having a 'mom and dad' would be the answer. It wasn't. We are back at square one.

I realize now that he was passing school and flying under the radar because I was basically sitting on him. I would stand over him and force homework to get done. I would give him a million daily reminders about how to act out of my presense and he knew the consequences for not following those rules. Not that he cared about the consequences. He was very good at not getting caught. He's not good at that, it seems, anymore. No one there is sitting on him to make him do work. That was what I wanted for him...to be responsible for himself. I truly hoped that he would choose to take care of his own business. He hasn't.

Our options:
1. Keep him home and find a homeschooler (not me) that can come into our home and catch him up, keep him caught up and knows how to deal with troubled kids. File all the paperwork to make that legal. Quit my job to be able to supervise him 24/7 and have a lot of lockdown to keep him away from the other kids.
2. Keep him home and send him to public school. I've called them to ask about the discipline protocol and the fact that he's so behind in school. No one has called back. I'm viewing that as not the best plan at this point. I would still need to quit my job in order to drive back and forth and be here whenever he is home.
3. Keep him home and try to get him into the alternative school. Not sure what that solves other than stricter structure. The quitting thing is all the same.
4. Find another school/program. We have one we like - but the cost may make it out of range. I'm trying to nail down more details. It's a more RTC type setting, but they work through school issues as well. Their goal is to bring him to a point, both behaviorally and academically, that he can return to home life and public school. There is no magic number for how long that takes - anywhere from 6 months to 3 years is average.
5. Well...I don't like to talk about this option - I'm sure you can imagine what it is.

I am not sure if I am ready to live in a prison setting for the next six years. I would love to say that we could go back to him earning privileges and becoming a more 'normal' kid...but I don't think that is the case. So, all options of him staying home would be hard on the other four of us. I want this to be about him...but it's hard to remove everyone else from the equation. Heck, it's hard to not think about myself.

We're just back at square one.

2010-11-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's official. He's out.

They are doing us a 'favor' by keeping him until Christmas break.

Worst part is that there really wasn't a reason for why he's been expelled. No reason at all.

Panic at the inbox

2010-11-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

The email came. He may be asked to leave the school.

Then, the panic attack came.

Full on. I've only had 3 in my life...but it was wholly real this time. It scared my daughter who happened to walk in the room. Breath wouldn't come, heart wouldn't slow.

All from hearing that my son may be coming home - and we don't have a plan B.

The communication hasn't been good between the school and us it seems. I continued to hear that he was a good kid who was struggling. They said that there was nothing that would have him close to being expelled. They still won't say expelled - "asked to leave". I think those are the same thing, yes?

I sent an email to address his recent punishment. Their answer included the fact that he may be asked to leave at Christmas break. Shocking...we need more time. My response was quite raw and I think it took him completely off guard. I believe we'll have to jump start the search for somewhere else, but I do think they'll be understanding of needing more time.

We just wanted it to work. We wanted DS2 to be happy (which he still claims to be) and to grow (which is obviously not the case). We wanted time to figure out what needs to happen here, in our home - that is something that we haven't done. It's just been quiet - for the first time in five years. A calm has fallen over our home in general...we just are.

So, I let the planning fall to the bottom of my list. I let go of trying to figure out the next step because I just wanted to sit and rest on this step. I still have to shake myself sometimes to realize that our house is happy and relaxed and calm. I can't help coming back to that word. It's a place I didn't know if we'd ever be again. Now, I'm not sure how to keep it.

I've been busy this morning. Looking into other programs and schools that had made our short list before. The admission that he's been 'let go' from another boarding school program doesn't bode well for his placement the next time. But, I've found a couple of places that are open at this point.

One of the places I spoke with today said that their goal/their job is to help a child through the troubled spot they are in so that the child can return home and become a part of the family again. Most places talk like DS2 will simply be there until graduation...like there isn't a chance of him returning. It was interesting to hear the difference.

Could these people help us find calm with all FIVE of us at home? It seems like a dream right now...but if we get to that point - I'm going to choose to sit on that step and wait for it. I will wait for it and fight for it and do whatever I can to make it happen.

The Mouse at his house (and now on my chest)

2010-10-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

We just returned from a long week with the Mouse. You know the one that lives in Florida and has a lots of nutty friends. Yes, Mickey...and we liked it. The best part is people watching. Since this was our second trip in two years and we knew it would be our last for quite some time...we really took our time.

No rushing, no arguing, no stress (OK...when people stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the walkway to pull out their map thereby backing up the 100s of people behind them as they stand 7 across and block all access to getting by with their 3 double strollers and lots of crazy ear hats...well, that tends to stress me out)

For a place called the Happiest Place on Earth, there sure are a lot of unhappy faces. It can be so overwhelming for both parents and kids. Parents get an idea that it will be the greatest thing to ever happen to their kids and lots of these kids - really little ones - don't buy into that. Which, in turn, makes parents stressed...and well, I'm the one sitting nearby watching.

I gotta tell you that if you are a 'thinker' about Disney - and you haven't done it before or a lot of times or haven't done it with kids...in my esteemed (ha) opinion you would not catch me dead with a kid that still needs a stroller. Never. I know folks do it and love it and all that jazz - but it's a lot of money for your kiddo to not remember it.

Anyway...we had a lovely time. DS1 and DD got along pretty darn good and even hung out together at times without mom and dad. It was weird to vacation with only four of us. I thought of DS2 a few times, but realized I didn't want to spend the whole vacation thinking of what I wish were...just have to be in the moment with what actually is. For this trip - it was the four of us. We ate very well - haven't stepped on the scale today - TOO SCARED.

We saw and took pictures with all the characters...really - I would guess almost all of them. We rode all the scary rides and all the kiddie rides. We laughed and screamed (not at each other) and slowed our pace to really enjoy being immersed in all things Disney. We enjoyed looking for hidden mickey's (if you don't know what that is...google it) and found a lot of great ones. We sampled foods from every land in the world showcase and thoroughly scoured a million gift shops. I now own a shirt with Mickey and Minnie on it. Said I never would...but I did. I've fallen from grace.

At home today - going through piles of mail and learned that DS2 has been suspended again - this time for ten days. That's a long one. I'm just so dog-gone sad for him. I don't get it...I don't understand which way to go from here as his parent. How can there be a situation with no good answers?

The "STRANGE"r in my home

2010-10-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

The human race has created a strange bunch of people. They are called children. There doesn't need to be a possessive term with that. It doesn't matter if they are my children, your children, biological children, adopted children...they can all be gathered under "strange".

Don't get any panties in a bunch here. Strange is a lot of things. At my house, this is what strange looks like lately.

A child who remembers a tidbit of conversation, said in passing from four days ago and actually does what was asked of her (four days later...but being honest - I had forgotten about it by then). Yet, she still doesn't remember to EVER turn off a light when she walks out of a room.

A kid who wakes me up at 6:20 because the sun isn't out and he doesn't want to walk to school in the dark (which I totally agree with), then tells me that he doesn't need to be at school until 7. We sit and watch the sun come up together. So, maybe he could have waited for the sun before waking me up???

The sweetie who sits and talks through the whole show of Amazing Race and then is frustrated at the end because they 'didn't hear' what the host said.

The kiddo who cleans the bathroom mirror and can't understand why it's so disgusting, until I point out that they used Pledge instead of windex. Very confusing...a yellow can versus a clear bottle full of blue fluid. I can see where they can easily happen.

But strangest still is all the great stuff.

A teenager who comes and asks me to dance with him like we used to. Him on my feet and us shuffling (carrying 120 pounds...trust me I shuffled) around the family room. Then, him adding in hushed tones - "would you sing that song you made up for me when I was little?" I knew that may not happen again very often.

The little girl who can be so lost sometimes - so confused - so sad...but still walks up from time to time and offers her greatest compliment. I love you mom. She says sweet things about me...and it's only for the joy of saying something nice. The sweetheart who shares her secrets with me when her guard is down.

Strange is as strange does. I'm strange and maybe they both got it from me. I think that is more of a contagious trait than genetic. When they ask someday why they do XXX - and it's something strange...I'll be happy to report - "You take after me".

Hurry up already

2010-10-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

DS2 goes back to school tomorrow. I can say that the last 3 days have been very quiet - in the good way of quiet. Apparently it takes five days for him to wash off the school attitude and realize he's back home. It's not as though he's totally hanging out with us...but he's calm and more relaxed and most importantly...

He's just being here.

We (he and I) get to get up at 4am and drive to the airport. I know he's happy to be returning, but I don't believe that equates that he's happy to be leaving us. I just think that maybe he's happy in both places. I asked him if he could maybe try to take only four days next time - at Christmas - that he comes home. He's home for a couple of weeks that time and it would be lovely to have most of those days be calm and wonderful ones.

I'll miss him. When he's gone we don't have a lot of contact - not by our choice. He settles in there and we don't get emails or phone calls...he doesn't always answer when we call. So, I will miss him. I worry about him.

DD didn't get kicked off the team. They are counting it as strike one and two...one more thing - even a little one - and she's off the team. We decided to leave her be and perhaps pay a price we can't charge her. Everyone at the gym knows she did it. Rumors start and circulate - but this one is true. I doubt that the other girls will find it cute. She's been on suspension this week. She has sat at practice, but not taken part. Tomorrow is her first day back in the trenches. It will be socially difficult. I know it will. DH doesn't think she'll notice. She's not exactly socially adept.

I hope she notices. And, sadly, I hope it hurts her.

Maybe peer pressure can do more than we can on this front. I have to get past my embarrassment. Yep, it's terrible to be the parent of the kid committing crimes. I know that I'll have social reprecussions at the gym as well. I don't want to walk in waving the 'she's adopted and her birth family taught her to steal...she had to steal to eat and live...please, give me a break...I didn't do this to her' flag. But, I'm tempted.

Oh...so tempted. And, I might be weak because I can't think of what the right response would be.

Something very thoughtful like "My daughter made a terrible mistake and has paid the consequences asked of her. She will be working hard to change this behavior in the future."

That's scary. What if she doesn't change the behavior? What if she steals there again?

Then I look at DS1. Liar, liar, pants on fire...yes, he lies too. And, I raised him from birth. Apparently, all kids lie...so I've been told. I really didn't. I stink at lying. I stunk at it when I was young and I stink more now. Plus, the guilt. Oh how I hate knowing I lied.

Why can't my kids learn from my good points and ignore my bad points (which are so numerous, but at the top would be impatience). Come on...(quickly please!)

the ever changing days of our lives

2010-09-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

My daughter stole money at her gym last night. Brazenly...just walked up to another girl's bag, dumped it and took the money. I would have paused a moment to struggle to put her in that position. She's been doing so well. But, you can't really argue video proof.

She did it all in front of a security camera.

I'm heartbroken. She really had been doing so well...now downhill spiral. We were even being careful to not build it all up too much. She's a saboteur of herself...

She is no longer on the cheer team. They are meeting about her to make a decision, but DH and I don't see how we can send her back. The death of a dream. She's so good...so darn good...at it. The dead dream is obviously mine.

All this on the third day of DS2's trip home. That, in and of itself, has not gone well. I won't bore with details, just pretty much exactly what it was last time. Except now you can throw in a lot of rapper/gangster/thug talk. I'm not using those terms in disrespect - but honestly...I don't know what to call it. Who dat? instead of who is that?...and uglier words that I'm not ok with.

I can stop it here (well, not stop it but keep it under wraps) but I can't do anything about it there. I know the school would not be ok with it, but kids are crafty - I'm sure they aren't saying it out in the open. I'm sure these names they call each other are reserved for personal time away from adults.

And, he can't remember why he got suspended again. For two days...he thought is was because he pushed a kid...but NO - it was for being tardy SIX times in a week. This notice, again, said that the behavior could result in expulsion.

Fabulous. I don't think that will happen...but I know that we have to re-think our plans for him. Or give this more time...or give up. But, I can't do that one.

At least DH and I sat and laughed so hard we nearly cried last night. We did that together. What else can you do? As with so many people - this isn't what we thought we were signing up for.

But, here we are.

Tootie knows best

2010-09-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

DS1 is a nut...otherwise known as teenager. This is a species of person that I remember being. I remember eating a snickers and coke every day for lunch and feeling smug that I was eating 'ok'. I remember knowing how stupid my parents were and why I could never make them understand.

I just never thought I'd be the stupid one.

Now, I am.

He's not so bad. I've heard bad...I have been scared of bad teenagers...but he's definitely emotional and so darn smart. Maybe the thing that drives me the most crazy is that he won't ever admit that he is wrong. Even when proven to be so...he will simply never admit it.

Do I admit it? Openly to my kids?

I think I do. I can remember plenty of times that I've said "I was wrong and I apologize for that".

I don't remember him ever saying that. Is that just something that enters your life when you become stupid?

DS2 has earned his first grade card of 7th grade. It wasn't good. I can't make it good. He comes home on Friday and I'm hoping for the best. No big plans...just a regular week. I think that will be best. No pressure on any of us. I found some new trails since he was home last and it will be fun to introduce those to him. Just the two of us (I'm rather happy the other two are in school while he's home)...

DD is kicking butt and taking names. She is really blossoming. Of course there are still snags - but they are so minor and I'm so proud of her. She has totally gotten into cheer...like a new 'getting into things'. She's excited to start competitions! Her grades are good and she's becoming so independent (in all the right ways). I trust her to make good decisions and we continue to talk about how to choose that 'right' path. The greatest thing is that she is seeming to accept my guidance. I just can't stop gushing about the fabulous changes I'm seeing in her. Dare I say it - maturity???

Six of one, half a dozen of another...something is always happening around here. I feel like I can handle the majority of it. I've realized the facts of life. Seriously folks - has there ever been a theme song to a show that says it more perfectly?

You take the good, you take the bad
you take them both and there you have...the facts of life.
There's a time you gotta go and show
you're growing now you know about...the facts of life.
When the world never seems
to be livin' up to your dreams
and suddenly you're finding out
the facts of life are all about you...
(sadly, I didn't have to look that up...actually knew it by heart)

going the distance

2010-09-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

DS2 is hot and cold. He's having a tough start this year in behavior and grades. We got notification that we could finally view his grades online, in real time.

I thought "whoooopppppeeeee".

Then, I looked.

How do you fail PE? I'm questioning how hard he must be working to do nothing. PE is fully graded on participation. This is my kiddo that is always moving and can find something active to do at all times...but he can't participate in PE? That one stumps me. DH is totally convinced he's trying to get kicked out of school.

In a shocking way, I'd be touched by that concept. But, I don't believe it.

He's been suspended twice so far - stealing from a vending machine (he must be happy to be so skinny) and being tardy numerous times. I've seen the middle school 'campus' at his school. There is no more than 15 feet between classrooms.

They get three minutes between bells. You do the math...you could crawl in slow motion and still make it there. OR - you could get stuck in a traffic jam at a water fountain that causes you to be tardy four times in one day.

He must be one very thirsty young man.

The great news is that he joined the cross country team - because we forced him to. AND - he likes it. He called today to let us know that he placed third in his meet yesterday. He rocked it...he's never run distance like this before. I'm so proud. He also called to wish DS1 a happy birthday. It was one day late - but such an amazing feat for him. He remembered something...about our family.

Yes, DS1 had a birthday yesterday - one more year into teenage wasteland. He's pulling himself together after his very rough start in high school. DD is succeeding in 5th grade and is emotionally even keel pretty much all the time. Things are really going very well.

I realize what a wimp I am. Really enjoying my job - but how can I be so tired after only four hours each day? It's amazing! I go, go, go at the job - all the time...so I can count that as a work-out, right? I hope so because I'm having issues getting to the gym. Ahhh...life.

DS1 gets his braces off tomorrow. I'll go from having three in braces at one time to two...what a step down. I feel like I live at that ortho office. He's very excited and thinks it's the best birthday gift ever!

Empty teeth - YEAH!

the dog had to go

2010-08-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today I met a neighbor that I've seen around with her dog. I was pulling weeds at the foreclosed home across the street (hey, it's still a house I have to look at) and she walked by. I'm a friendly bloke and said hello. We chatted.

I'm a pretty open book.

She asked where DS2 had gone...she used to see him at the bus stop and noticed he was gone this year. So, I told her. I didn't share gory details, but just that he is at a boarding school and is very happy there. I did tell her about his joining the family five years ago and that so many things about family were hard for him.

Then she tells me a story.

She bought a dog. The dog howled at night. The dog was mean to her first dog. The dog just didn't fit in her family...so, she sent him to a foster doggie home.

Therefore...

She said...

She totally gets what it's like to 'send a child away'.

OK, really?

Hubby and I have a 90-10 rule. Ninety percent of people in America are idiots. Maybe not in all parts of their lives - but at some point. Heck, I've hit in the 90 before. Today, she made me know my rule is right. I mean...REALLY?

I know that I speak 'lightly' about the subject sometimes. That is because it's tough to be sad all the time...it's tough on even him...while he doesn't seem to care if I'm sad - it does something to him. It does something to me when he's sad. I can't tell you the relief I feel when I speak with him and he's excited and happy. Yep, broken hearted on the inside because he can't have that here with me, but so darn pleased that he's got happiness in his life - wherever that means he has to be.

However, speaking lightly does NOT mean that I would equate our situation with my son with the puppy who couldn't stay.

Really?

A triangle with a missing side?

2010-08-24T18:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm a crappy member of the triad.

Don't know if I care if that is true. I think that sums up my crappiness. I'm simply not in a fight over any of this. I want my children to be healthy and thrive and I don't call that being 'active'...I call it being a mom.

I don't call myself an adoptive mom...ever. I don't like terms that are thrown around that somehow label me as an AP or adopter. And let me add that adopter is just as bad to me as birthmother feels to others. Adopter sounds like a robot set to perform a job. Heck...if I could be robotic about this - well, things might be simpler.

I have been catching up with others in my sphere of 'adoption'. Folks I've met either in real life or in cyber space - they've given me words of wisdom, words of support and vice versa. From time to time I set out to check in with them...because we are all living our lives and that causes some breakdowns in communication!

However, when we chat...it's not about activism. It's not about creating change in the foundation of adoption. Do certain things make me sick in this world? Yes. But, they aren't the same things that make most others sick...I'm darn sure of that.

So, since I'm an openly crappy member of the adoption triad - does that hurt my kids in some way? Does my decision to not march on Washington to change the rules in this realm mean that my kids will not feel that I care about their issue?

We don't talk about Russia everyday. There is no first family to visit or really even talk about. The memories of those people for my kids are not positive...and I can't force them to be positive about it. Or...

I won't force them to be positive about it.

Guess what? My kids had a sucky beginning. Yep...it's true. Adults wronged them - BUT I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE ADULTS. I've done what I felt was right for each and every moment they've been mine. And yes - they are mine...no one gets mad when a mother that gave birth to her child says:

That is MY child. Ownership. Doesn't mean I'm pointing out to you that I bought them or something.

What in the world?

So, am I taking sides? I guess not...other than my side. Mostly my kids side. I don't know if adoption 'helped' them. I know they have basics in life they didn't have before...

I'm not talking about clean beds.

I'm talking about parents. Some would believe that having parents is not the best thing for kids. I'm living in that - I get it. Maybe for some kids having parents is not comfortable...or not the happiest of situations. If you know what's happening in my life - you know I can fathom that...BUT how can you know that until they've been given the chance to try it out?

I'm not an activist. I'm just a mom who's still trying to learn. Ok, maybe I'm not really trying to learn...remember, I'm pretty crappy in that part of things.

The 1750 turnaround

2010-08-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

I think it's called the 7 rule. You can break a habit in 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months...7 YEARS??? In my house, the years have it. My children have been home for 4 years and 9 months. I realize we haven't yet hit that magical time of "you've been in our family longer than you were not in our family" - BUT I do believe that 1,730 days should be enough to prove a thing or two.

However, my daughter has spent over 24 hours worrying about something. I know that traditional parenting models would say that I should know what she's worrying about. I should take interest in it and try to alleviate whatever I can to help her feel better. But, DD likes to take tiny things - that are completely non-essential to life - and blow them into life altering reasons to worry. Part of this is her attachment issues and part is her OCD...part is just her. She's a worrier.

I went to bed early last night - even before she was in bed. I was watching tv and she came in for hugs and kisses. She was walking slowly, eyeing me...twisting hands. I gave her big hugs and kisses and our typical good night routine...then said, if this is something that matters, let it rip.
She said "No, I'm just being a worrier" and walked out.

This morning I could tell she hadn't slept much. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was dragging. She walked straight up to me and said "when is assessment day?" Assessment day is a day at her school that she doesn't actually go to school all day. Each child goes for a short amount of time to be assessed...tested, prodded, poked...I don't know. I had mentioned assessment day when we discussed my new job and let her know that we'd have a plan for that afternoon.

Apparently my track record of having her where she needs to be is not long-standing enough. She had thoroughly decided that I was not going to remember her assessment day and she would go to the bus stop that day and the bus would never come. Maybe by then I would have run away from home so when she got back I would be gone (the bus stop being a whole 5 houses away)...then our garage door would be broken so she couldn't use the code to get in the house. After scaling walls and picklocking her way into the back door, she would find that our phone system was down and she couldn't call my cell or dad's work to let us know what a let-down we are as parents...

I'm sure the story in her mind went on and on.

I point out to her (for the millionth time) that she has NEVER missed anything...she is always where she is supposed to be - most of the time early. Just the other night I took her with me to run errands before cheer...she knew that I desparetly needed to beat a cut off time at fed-ex. And, I missed it. I realized I'd be cutting her to close to missing the start of practice so I took her first. She was saying "It's ok, I'll be late...I can do the extra work for being late" and I was saying "no...I'm not going to make you late for me...I'll pay the extra to still get it there on time".

She was there with 4 minutes to spare.

I'm not complaining...that is my job and I love that part of my job. I can make jokes and laugh about running all over town. I'll open my calendar and realize that nothing written in there is about me specifically...but it's my life. I like my kids being active...I love watching them do things and succeed.

Apparently, that 1730 day track record just does not speak for itself.

My daugher believes that I'm simply lying in wait for day 1750...that is the day that I'll become my true self...the witch will come out and suddenly she'll never be where she needs to be...she'll never get to classes, gym, etc...she'll have to hitch-hike with very bad men. On day 1750 I will show my real identity...and it won't be good.

searching for part time satisfaction

2010-08-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

I think I'm taking a part-time job. I think about it on and off every few months. But, most times, there was a very good reason why I couldn't. Certain kids who couldn't be alone or special circumstances that would keep me from doing this thing...something that I really want to do!

Now, there really isn't an excuse.

I've found a wonderful fit for our lives. I get to work 4 hours a day and it's active work...up and moving. Not a real brain tester at all - but I can't tell you how excited I am. Tonight I'll discuss what it means for everyone in the family. Really, it doesn't mean that much. And...that is why it should, it will, work.

One hour alone for my high schooler...and 15 minutes with her biggest brother for my daughter. Dinner will be, perhaps, a bit later each evening (but, let's be honest...how many families eat at 5:30 on the dot everyday?). No one will miss practice or activities. No pantry will be empty and no ouchie will go un-bandaided.

The real change will be for me. I will actually be expected to be somewhere every day. Someone will see me come in a door and say "great to see you". My family is, of course, generally happy to see me. But, you don't get that excited when someone is ALWAYS there!

Leaving so soon?

2010-08-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

DS2 leaves tomorrow. His four weeks home have been very trying for all of us. I'm sure most of all, it's been hard on him.

He came back to a family. That includes expectations. That doesn't work for him...at all. He doesn't even like the positive things we think of as family.

Going places with us is not fun for him. No matter where we go. He skipped out on many day trips during this time home. He knew that we didn't want to deal with lots of drama, so he created it whenever he didn't want to do something. That was often.

If given the chance, he would have not gone anywhere.

Tonight we are going to his favorite restaurant for dinner. Not making a big deal of it, it's more for us than anything. When he found out where we were going - nothing. No reaction at all. Ahhh...well...

So, he gets on a plane and takes off for a full year (with 3 small trips home). No sorrow in his heart...and more sadly, very little sorrow in mine.

The things we continue to learn

2010-07-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's been about 66 hours since he died.

I've had 8 hours of sleep. Not for lack of intention, but my body has a different plan right now. Apparently the plan is to run into the ground.

I still haven't grieved. I've stayed busy. I've dealt with the kids and the calls and the bills and the grief of others. Right now, that's ok.

My husband is still trying to be strong - but it's ok to not be...right now, he doesn't have to be. There isn't a guidebook for this. So, I'm listening and offering myself to him in whatever way he needs me. I'm giving suggestions when it seems appropriate. And, I'm trying to make sure he laughs from time to time.

Apparently the funeral home lady was well suited for her job...they laughed a lot while finalizing plans and somehow that made it all seem better. I worry for my sister in law, my nieces, my own children...lots of worry and not many answers.

He shouldn't be gone. This I know. He wasn't done here. Or, at least, we weren't done with him.

The stories were amazing that people told. They were amazing in their normalcy...a dad hiding in his daughter's closet for TWO HOURS just to wait until she really believed she'd never find hiim in hide and seek and then jumping out to scare her. A memory she still has years later. A man whose number one priority was his 3 women. He would do anything for them. So many people who said they felt adopted by him...taken in, welcomed. I made many calls and each one ended the same: a story of his life and sorrow that he was gone.

So many sympathy calls even here today - for my husband who has lost his only brother. But, I continue to see the shining rays in this. My husband and his brother had not been close for many years...until they were brought together by their father's death. We've now spent a few years becoming a closer family. They visited us here last year and we had a wonderful week...we email...and this was our first time out to see them. We've asked 'what are the odds?'

You couldn't even find a number to answer that.

We were there so that she didn't have to be there alone. We were there to see the strength and unity of people who draw so quickly around the one in pain that it's shocking to the system. We were there to renew faith in this world we live in. We were there to partake of the blessings of a tragedy. I learned so much.

Admitedly, I hid in what I termed "the closet" for a long time...I wanted to get things in order for her. I wanted there to be a clear path of 'what to do next' so that fear wasn't at the top of the list. I wanted to leave something that I would want to have: peace of mind.

On Saturday - the day after - I took the kids to the amusement park. It had been planned long in advance and they were being so good to just sit with tons of people...but they are kids. Their aunt asked me to take them...blessed me to take them. As we drove I answered questions they had. I talked about my feelings and how each person grieves differently and some take longer than others. I told them that whatever it looked like for them was MORE than ok. We were all shell shocked.

We rode roller coasters - it was quieter than a normal day at the park and it felt like someone had come before us and cleared a path. The park was quite empty due to the high heat. After a few hours we all agreed that we wanted to head back, it had been a nice reprieve, but we wanted to be there. We walked into one last ride on the way out. And as we got up the stairs, I sat down and cried. Looking back, I'll call it an anxiety attack - it just all compiled and ate me at once. But...

Here's the kicker.

My kids are amazing creatures - both inside and out. They fanned me with maps, they lifted my hair and blew on my neck, they wrapped their arms around me for hugs, they asked if I'd like to get out of line, they said sweet things about their uncle...they helped me move past that moment. They didn't look embarrassed or worried about what others thought - they (yes, all of them) took care of me.

We all need a little of that from time to time.

Love on all those around you. I've truthfully learned that going to sleep can change everything. Stay healthy and go to a doctor from time to time to find out how to help yourself if you aren't healthy. Share with your loved ones what your wishes are for when this time does come. You can't pick when it does, so don't be stingy with your thoughts on the subject. Share...

Very sad day

2010-07-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

We are on vacation. It isn't what we planned.

On July 23 at 1:53 am, my brother in law died at his home. Where we are staying...

The kids witnessed more than I wish they had, there wasn't really time to make a better plan. I'm blessed to have been 'in my senses' and able to maintain some form of control...

He died in his sleep, but we don't know why or how. We are still waiting for answers. I called 911 and helped my husband perform CPR on his own brother. I've been so blessed to not have death touch my life very often...yesterday it was literally in front of me. Can't quite get past the picture.

Been trying to keep life moving for the kids. There are lots of people here supporting the family and we are going to head back early so that DH can come back for the funeral. The kids seem ok, we've talked about it and they get that it totally stinks, is completely unfair - but happened. We can grieve - each in our own way - and support others that are grieving...beyond that there is little any of us can do.

Not so hot

2010-07-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well...the air is hot, the feeling inside my house is a bit chilly. I'm not sure that he's unhappy to be home, but I am sure that he's really pushing the limits. The hit parade:

Slams his hand HARD into my new chandelier to see "if it is breakable"
tells me that he'd like to stay at school next year to do the work program because there is "no reason to come home"
walks out of the ortho office and into the busy parking lot (as I'm driving by) and gets angry because I tell him to go back to the sidewalk - even more angry that I have to make another appointment for him
cussing like a sailor - words that I can't even mention
answering absolutely nothing without starting out "I don't know" or "I don't remember"
lying (there really isn't a specific example...just everything)
has made his brother and sister so mad that they won't talk to or hang out with him - already
has lived basically on his own for six weeks, but is constantly asking me strangely basic questions: where are my shoes? do I use a knife to cut this meat? REALLY

So, not the fairy tale that I paid for - ha, ha. I remember the head master telling us that the first few home visits would be worse than things were before. I don't know if I can say that exactly - just seems that things are exactly the same - within moments of him coming in the door.

We off on vacation now. I can only hope that the excitement will do good things for him and not bad - oh Lord, not bad!

He's on his way

2010-07-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

He's coming home tonight! DH and DS2 are currently sitting at an airport in Kentucky - where, apparently it's *(#)@%! hot and humid. I'm nervous.

I'll admit it. Seeing my son right now makes me have a lot of feelings...but number one is definitely nervous.

When DH called today to check in I wanted to ask a million questions. Does he look different? Was he happy to be coming home? Did he ask about me? Don't those all sound like questions you would ask as a love-sick teenage girl when your boyfriend was coming home from college?

What the heck is wrong with me?

The answers were yes, he looks a bit more grown up. He didn't really comment on coming home, but seems in good spirits and he didn't really ask much of anything. So, I'll be standing there tonight when they pull in the driveway, holding up my (very pretty) homemade "WELCOME HOME" sign and praying.

Praying I will see a kid that wants a hug from me...and maybe a kid who wants to hug me back.

His summer went pretty well. He had a few run-ins with the 'law' of the school. Didn't seem totally motivated to complete all the things he was supposed to complete. But, he answered for that there - right where he should be held responsible. Not here...home doesn't need to be the saving ground for him anymore - at least for now. I'm hoping behavior can be a non-issue for his four weeks at home.

The next few days are busy...all the stuff you don't realize you do with your kids - I have to do in a short amount of time. What a welcome home gift - new glasses, catching up on shots at the doctor's office, getting braces, haircuts, back to school shopping...so much fun in so little time.

I'm so thankful he will be able to go on our summer vacation with us. He did miss a lot this summer, but I think his stories probably beat ours! He experienced things we could not have given him here. Responsibility being among the top in my mind.

So, I'm sitting and counting down the hours until I can meet him in the driveway...and I'm ok with feeling butterflies!

Do you believe in Miracles?

2010-07-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

My Rockies just came back from a 7 run hole in the 9th inning and WON THE GAME. If you aren't a big baseball fan...that may not mean much. But, if you follow much of America's game...

You know that is a VERY big deal!!!

I'm a freak fan. Really - I read every bit of info I can get - we go to a lot of games every year. Our whole family knows the name of every guy on the field and bench. It starts to feel like they are part of our family.

Tonight, my family WON!

In every season, there is a moment where and hinge swings. In 2007, they won 21 of 22 to make the playoffs, eventually landing in the World Series. Yes, you Boston fans...you kicked us good...but we made it there - can't take that away.

Tonight was the hinge for this season. They'll be talking about tonight when we do something great this year!

There are also hinges in our lives. I can't wait to call DS2 and tell him about the game. He can wear his Rockies hat with pride on campus now...

I have to settle

2010-06-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

He is really settling in.

We talked to DS2 yesterday. I wanted to call him on Saturday between baseball games, but we had all agreed to Sunday's - so DH made me wait. Of course, when we got home late Saturday night I saw on caller ID that he had called us twice. Then, I worried all night until I could get ahold of him...the worry was unneccessary.

He has really settled in.

The first few weeks he sounded 'fine', but forlorn. Although he wouldn't ever say it, there was a longing for his old ways and old routines...a homesickness. Now, he's feeling very planted. He was SO excited to tell us about working on the farm. He just got to start. He feeds and cares for cattle and has one specific cow that he's responsible for - Coco. It's a messy job, but someone's gotta do it. He has also been moved up to weed whacker duty. That made me nervous. I won't even let DS1 use the weed whacker at home - I always felt it was quite dangerous. Obviously DS2 is proving to be a trust-worthy and careful young man at school. I'm so proud of him.

He's so proud of him.

That is what I could hear in his voice yesterday. Just a thorough settling of knowing that he's doing the 'right' thing. He still struggled to converse with us, but in fleeting moments would offer info that we wouldn't have gotten before. He's made friends and has a pretty normal routine with school, eating, jobs, friends, homework - it all seems to be put in order now.

Then he said "I heard it's really hot where you live". I pointed out that this is where he lives too. A person can live in two places and for us, he's always here in many ways. The parent handbook talked about this 3/4 week mark and how the kids really change their view of things - the shift is that they are in their 'home' there, and we are in our 'home' here.

It's a tough balancing act. This is working out as well as we hoped. He's happy - genuinely - and we are relaxed and regrouping. I'm constantly making plans for when he 'comes back home' - not just on vacations (although I realize I'm overbooking that time), but when he can come back home for good. Then a good friend or a good husband will point out what I already know.

I can't plan for that.

It may not happen. I shouldn't set myself up for feeling sad if he chooses to stay there. If that place is a healing force for him - if it brings him self-esteem and self-worth and peace and happiness and a feeling of being settled...then I have to let that happen for him. I can't wait for healing and then bring him home and expect his healing will hold true here as well. It just may not.

So, for now - I put target dates in my calendar. On January 20, we'll need to know what he wants to do for summer (back to school or stay home for those months?)...by March 20, we'll need to know where he'll be going for 8th grade. By tomorrow, I'll need to let my heart in on the secret.

He's settled in.

Stand-up parenting?

2010-06-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm losing friends.

This isn't an oddity in life, especially not in the life of a RAD mom. Nearly any mom you talk to will tell you that people drift off...the craziness of life can push people away. They don't understand and that always present "make mom look crazy" notion - works very often.

But, it didn't really happen that way here. My friends were crazy supportive. They would listen to my stories - which I generally told in a comical way. I guess I don't know another way to tell someone that my child has peed all over the house. I always said that I laughed, so I didn't cry. Not the healthiest attitude, but it got me through. Now, I think that it kept me an audience as well.

Since we made the decision to actually DO something - to choose a place for DS2...to pursue it and to follow through. This is when the drop off came. Apparently, it was better for me to turn our foibles into a stand up routine then to be honest about the fact that we couldn't do it right. I know I had said it before "wow, we kinda stink at this"..."I don't think my healing powers are working with this one"...always with a sly grin.

I guess the grin covered up that I was truthfully failing with him. So, our lives have calmed a bit and I actually feel like I can breathe - and all this when folks have decided that I'm not someone they want to hang with. I guess I'm now the bad person who 'sent her kid away'. They ask how he's doing...but they don't seem to hear the answers.

On that front: He seems very happy when we speak to him - and YEAH - we get to talk to him today. He has emailed (I'm so proud of him for remembering to do that) and we have plenty of folks sending him mail to supplement our weekly load. Overall he seems to be figuring it out and that was one of the main goals. We have to look at this as what may be deemed "what it will be like when he's all grown up". And, if this is it...we're good.

He's healthy, safe and doing well. He's passing all his classes and even says that some are "way easy"...he's making LOTS of friends and it seems he choosing the ones that don't get him in trouble - a very important skill. He's PROUD of himself. I'm proud of him, but somehow I know that the first part is more important. He talks about what he's doing with pride - even if he's discussing taking out the trash. He knows he truthfully doing it on his own. It is not because Mom is standing there telling him to do it. He seems calm. AND...the best part for our view of the future - he still likes talking to us. He talks to us more now then he did living here...he seems happy to hear our voices and get our letters and emails. He looks forward to things we're doing when he comes home. He almost seems to miss us.

DD went to summer camp this week. She held true to form. I've been in too many situations where the adult looks like they can't wait for my kiddo to leave (and I'm throwing all three of my kids in this basket). Her counselor was VERY sweet and had, thankfully, really read my parent survey (describing DD) and had taken it to heart. She asked me some questions for clarification and as always, I kept saying "I hope this makes me look crazy at the end of the week...I hope that she does NONE of these things." Hope didn't quite work this time around.

Her week was a solid C. The counselor seemed to handle everything as well as you can handle it when you aren't in the trenches. DD spent a good part of her time creating drama and being sure to let everyone know that I am a very mean mom and would be VERY mad at her for X, Y or Z. My comment to 'not spend all $40 on junk food at the camp store' became "My mom will be so mad if I buy candy or ice cream, she said I couldn't have any money for that stuff". Once convinced it was ok to buy a little something - she then spent the day begging her counselor to "NOT TELL MY MOM" as though her life depended on it.

Sweet little blonde, just north of teenager, counselor was telling me these stories and working in the better stuff around the edges. I think she had a long week. DD cried about a lost flashlight (which she had put away already)...and I don't mean a little cry...but a long, drawn out hissy fit it seems and Blondie dealt with it by saying 'you can stay here and cry about this or you can come with us and have fun'. That would have worked if my DD had chosen to go have fun. But, that just isn't her. I don't think Blondie could actually leave her in the cabin, so the whole cabin had to stay back and help her find the flashlight (the one that I bought at the dollar store and even told her so because I didn't care if it came back...yes, that one). I'm sure that endeared her to the group!

The few days alone with DS1 was good...although he would say that I am picking on him. He's a bit snitty and getting called on it. He likes it better when there is someone else to take that attention, when he can just lurk around the edges. But, this week, he had the spotlight. We did some fun things together and some things that he probably didn't find quite as fun (deep cleaning a teen boy's room anyone?)!

And on and on it goes...I'm ready for a day of nothing and maybe then I'll sit around and try to think of my next stand up routine.

First phone call

2010-06-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

We talked to DS2 this morning! He sounded healthy and overall happy. He told us all about his first week. In classes he is doing well: 100% on a language arts test, feeling secure in math (he says it's WAY easier than math here), learning about the Civil War in SS and he wasn't quite sure how to address what he's doing in science.

He has NOT been on the campus list (the 'punishment' list) once. In fact, he and his roommate are model citizens, with the cleanest room! He seemed proud of even his chores of moving trash from campus to the pick up point for the truck.

All the seventh graders are being moved to a different dorm...there seems to be a BIG group of these younger kids. He and his roomie are getting the 'show' room since they've done so good. Their room will be the room that the headmaster uses on tours. DS2 is quite proud of that, as are we! We were also just happy and relieved to hear that he is friends with his roomie and a pretty long list of others.

We talked for our full 'allottment' of time and then I was telling him good-bye. He sounded a bit sad. I think the weekends will be harded since they aren't as structured as weekdays. But, he said he had plans. We were all four sitting on a couch with him on speaker and listening to him talk more than we've heard in years...

It's all good right now. Perhaps sometime this week I'll be able to go for more than five minutes without thinking "what is DS2 doing right now?"...and perhaps, I'll stop calling every living thing in my house by DS2's first name...I think my dogs are very confused!

stories in faces

2010-06-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

There wasn't a child there that seemed sad. Some seemed quite angry, but many looked joyful...then there were a couple who simply looked bored. As I scanned the faces of the new students getting ready for a summer away from home - a summer of full class days, full work afternoons, church services and yes, even some fun...I realized that so many of these kids were there for reasons SO close to our own. DS2 fit in the happy category - however, he was also shell-shocked. There was a lot to hear and digest. Those are not always his strong suits. At some point I could tell he just stopped listening. I knew I couldn't sit there for our last 2 hours together and pick on him to listen, stop fidgeting, pay attention, don't wander off...etc.

So, I listened. And, I watched him.

At the end of a very long day of interviews, video presentations, walking tours and signing papers - we got his room key and moved him into his dorm. I was still being mom until the last moment - I wanted to do it all for him. Make his bed (which I did) - fold his clothes and pick the right drawers for everything (which I didn't).

The headmaster of the school said so many things that hit home with us. He said the the biggest role the school can fulfill for hurting families is a big TIME OUT. Time for healing on all sides...the bonus side of this is that our child will be learning and kept safe while we are getting on at the job of living. Or remembering how to live...without fighting and anger and sadness.

When we hugged DS2 and gave him our last pep talks (if it doesn't feel right to you, it's not right for you)...he hugged us back - tight for a moment or two. Then, he ran off to explore and find some new friends. Hubby says he swears he saws tears in his eyes...I didn't. But, I don't judge either - I wasn't crying. I was nervous right up until...well, I will let you know when that nervousness goes away.

The people I described above were the kids at school...the parents were more easily summed up:
Scared and very, very tired.

The Final Countdown

2010-06-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

We are totally packed. I have the final shopping list in hand in order to move my son into a dorm on Sunday. As he and I folded clothes and organized things in his bags...I waited. I wanted a breakthrough. I chatted with him and he chatted back - but not a word about what was actually happening.

My best friend asked, "Do you think he even knows what he's feeling?"

No, no I don't. I don't think he has the words or even the capacity to explain what he feels. I have to believe that, because to believe the other side means that he feels nothing. I don't want to believe that.

Hubby tried to talk with him the other day - we always try to sneak it in while we have alone time with him and we're busy. So, over weed pulling DH asked him how he's feeling about his new school. DS2 answered "I don't know". Later DH asked me if he should have pushed. To that I say, "I don't know."

If I had those answers, we probably wouldn't be here.

So, I sit here 36 hours away from taking my son across multiple states and dropping him off for the first six weeks. I'm trying to label my own feelings - which are conflicted. I felt an immense sadness - almost desperation. I just want it to all work out. I want him to want us. I want to want him.

Then I feel a sense of relief - hard core and aching, growing in my chest. The thought tumbling that we won't be fighting anymore...that I'll be allowed to miss him. To rebuild hopes for him, to start dreaming for him again. I'm heartbroken that I haven't done that in a while.

We're all packed...but, I'm not sure if we are actually ready to go...

Adoption Poetry carnival

2010-05-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Play along and write a poem about adoption to share with the blogging world at http://www.growninmyheart.com/adoption-carnival-poetry.

Half a world away
I thought you would be waiting
I was waiting for you
You didn't know I was coming

It has been hard to accept
each other
It has been hard to learn
about each other

You didn't want us to come
half a world away
You didn't want to come "home"
to a new place and a new face

The new face was now Mom
and you revolted
And I retreated
It has been hard to accept

Years have passed
and still we battle to find
things about each other
Things that can make us feel

Less than half a world away...

The ties that bind

2010-05-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

My mom called me. Shouldn't be a big thing...but we hadn't spoken in almost 6 months and well, it's usually me that calls first. So, it was a deal - although I tried hard not to make it a big one.

We talked for a while. It just doesn't feel like I wish it did.

And, then my sister crashed in. I'm pretty sure it will never feel like I hoped it would again.

My sister is a hateful, spiteful person. She has been rude and nasty to me for as long as she has been old enough to be those things. I have always longed for a relationship with her...probably because she is so attached to my mom and I also long for a relationship with my mom. But, today I realized (again...and who knows if this big revelation will stick?) that will probably never happen. We are just too different.

I see those clips of dogs raising kittens or monkeys raising bear cubs...and I wonder how it's possible for my family to hate me so.

My sister actually likes to let me know that NO she doesn't care what I do or did, because basically she doesn't even think about me enough to care. Is that supposed to be soothing?

So...tough morning after getting a not kind email from said sister (for those who know my sisters, this is not the sweet little blonde) - I cried. DH couldn't understand it and pointed out all the hurtful things she has done to me. All the times she ignored us, too busy to even call back when I tried to reach out...but I still mourn. I spent some time typing a response which I was happy with. It said what is true - that I'm hurt and tired of being so - and wrapped up with the fact that I am choosing to have people in my life that lift me up, not bring me down. I guess it was my ending to a long and troubled road. In that ending, I believe that so follows my ending of getting to talk to my mom as well.

As I wanted to say tonight after her new response (I was SO HOPING she would just read mine and let it go)...she and my mother seem very symbiotic...there isn't room in there for me.

All this to get to...
DS2 and I had a date today. We needed to go shopping for the last of his stuff for school. In one week we'll be taking him to KY and he'll be starting what I hope to be a fabulous year of growth and healing.

As we drove to the mall he asked me if I had been crying at breakfast.

Well, not crying AT breakfast, but yes, I was crying before hand.

What happened?

I got hurt by Aunt XXX again. It's just enough and I cried because I'm going to miss thinking that we could be close. But, we can't.

I'm sorry she hurt your feelings again.

I'm sorry that we've hurt each other's feelings. I hope and pray I've never made you feel like I don't love you. It stinks to think someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. It really hurts.

DS2: You should just be happy that you have people here who love you.

And, I honestly believe that somewhere deep down - he meant him.

lunch

2010-05-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

How torn can I be over a lunch?

Today is DS2's big end-of-year bash at school. It's at a park and they were to bring a lunch. He packed his lunch last night. He wrote himself a note - DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH. With many crossed out words and lots of mispelling.

He had 10 minutes to waste at the door this morning reading comics. He had time to ask to take 20 things for the party: cap, football, frisbee, etc. YET - his lunch sits in the fridge. He borrowed a cell phone on the bus to call and ask for it. He called again from school to let me know what time to bring it to him. He's been told twice that I won't bring it.

In twelve days, he moves. I won't be there to remind him - which I did this morning by saying "do you have everything?" - I won't be there to run things to him - which, for the record, I've never done before either. Love and logic says not to do it...he won't starve. Yet, there is no logic in our relationship anyway. Should I take it as a movement toward him learning that I care enough to do it? Would he get that at all?

I have to walk out the door right now and can't decide if the lunch should stay put or I should make a stop to deliver it. There doesn't seem to be a right answer...

Why can a lunch make me so torn?

Mom issues

2010-05-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

We have actually had nice weather...even a day where the kids could wear shorts without freezing to death. I've been able to sit at a couple of baseball games without a winter coat on...

However, I realize that this could change at any moment. We live in a gorgeous place with a very real chance of snow every month except July and August...the change is ok with me.

We live with quick change every day - in many more ways than the weather.

I was thinking about the future yesterday on my walk. We don't know for sure where we'll be and we often talk about retirement and where we'd want to live. I consistently say that I will base it on where our children are...I want to be involved in my grandkids lives and I want to see my children succeed. Especially in relationships. But, I know they may not want me there. I wonder how that actually feels. I know multiple women who've been cut out by grown kids - both RAD and 'mainstream'. I know that I've done so many things that (especially DS2) can and will view as negative. Will he not want me even then?

Of course, I can't help but mix into these thoughts the fact that my mother and I are estranged again. It's a roller coaster ride, but I did not choose it. As a mother - even a mother of troubled kids (which I suppose I probably was/am) - I cannot fathom cutting them off completely. What would be the reasons? I'll admit that I would have trouble with major committing of crimes. I may not be the first in line at a prison gate or sitting right behind the defense table during a trial. I am not sure I would 'get that'...and I wouldn't want to hear excuses for why my child could not help it. I'm not sure how I would do with drug addiction. Then again, you can't aid and abet if that happens. I know that I would be able to 'intervene' to let them know that I wasn't going to help them until they were clean. Beyond that - I can't imagine what would make me totally cut them off.

Religious differences wouldn't do it (ok, if they decided to take up the flag of jihad...I'd have issues with that)...and lifestyle choices wouldn't do it (although I also would be sure they came to MY house for dinners if they chose to live in a mud hut in a desert)...but those are my transgressions. Going on five months without a call or anything from my mother - and I have decided that this time (compared to the 100s of times before that she's done this) - I'm not making the first move. I have to deal with the fact that this could be long-term. And, I can't imagine doing it to my kids.

We've laughed that I'm probably RAD. Heavens knows that I'm a carbon copy in so many ways - or vice versa - of all DD's issues. I told her the other day that we are very much alike and she started listing the ways...thankfully the list included good stuff...not just our 'crazies'.

I hope that all my kids want me in their lives. I hope they want me for more than just a babysitter (although I'll do that with a 48 hour limit)! I hope that we can sit down when they are adults and I'm open to talking through the issues they feel I've created in them and they are ready to hear the more grown-up version of events. I hope that I love them for what they become and I hope they love me for what I've always been.

Just trying to keep it on the down low

2010-05-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I picked up a new couch for the office. Later that evening, DS2 came up to me and whispered "I like the new stuff in the office, it looks nice"...I whispered back "why are we whispering?" and he said:
"In case Dad didn't know you bought it, I'm keeping it on the down low."

So sweet...really...

It's not that I sneak around a lot buying things my hubby doesn't know about and I am certainly not good enough to be able to sneak in a couch. But, I have, in the past, purchased littler things that I didn't want drawn to his attention specifically. DS2 pointed out a few of those times. What really came out of this is that he was thinking of me - in some distorted, strange way. Then I realized that our world is often distorted and strange...so, he fit right in last night.

He's always been my 'decorating' buddy. He likes to look at things for the house and always has opinions. The artistic, creative parts of his brain really flow in that arena. I hope he pursues it, but I found when I would point out to him how good he was - he would tell me that only "gay guys" decorate and it would end in anger. I've learned to not tell him as much when I think he's great...but try to show it other ways.

So, when he told me he liked the furniture that we were keeping on the down low, I asked more questions. Why do you like it? What about it do you think looks good? As we chatted, I rubbed his back. It's the first time he's allowed me to touch him in months...beyond a good night hug. I didn't draw any attention to it and neither did he.

At DDs birthday dinner last night, he was creating as shopping list with me of things he wants to take to school. Word search books, his rubiks cube, a few new iTunes songs...just things that jump in his mind. I was again, rubbing his back (btw, he sat by me and did not complain) and I started to say "Hey, why don't you..."

and he broke in "make a list...I know you like lists, and I can see why. I'm always forgetting things and if I just wrote them down, I wouldn't forget. I'll make a list for our shopping trip. It's just you and me isn't it?" Yes - thank goodness - right now it is...just you and me.

birthday candles at the gym

2010-05-05T19:55:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my precious little girl's birthday. She's growing up and I'm so proud of her. She's funny and motivated...she's sweet and silly...she's becoming the young lady I so hoped she could become.
She gets to work hard for her birthday - dance and tumbline evaluations. Oh yes, she made the team she had set as her goal for cheer. She is SO proud and I'm so happy to see her achieve something she set out to do! We had the team meetings tonight and realized quickly that our lives will be dominated by the gym for the next 11 months! I'm more than willing to make that committment for her...because I can see HER making the committment.
I can't wait to see her in her uniform (they jump right into this...she gets fitted in 2 weeks)...very sparkly!
So, in celebration of her birthday:

I remember the day I first saw your face
I remember the red checked dress you wore and
the stains it carried
I remember how you were willing to sit on my lap,
but not willing to really relax
I also remember 3 years later the first time you did
I remember feeling you melt into me and thinking
I finally have a little girl
I saw the changes come in waves
I saw you hold back time and again
And now I see...well, you
Growing, learning, laughing
Not just getting smarter at school,
but, more importantly - at home.
As you gain this new year in your life...
know that I want to share it all with you.
I will somday remember this year in your life...
and I will know that we became more Mom and daughter every single day.

Happy birthday my sweet little girl...

March on, soldier...

2010-05-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today I said my piece.

I finally called the school district. I had tried hard to 'ignore' what happened...but it's not ok. My son is heading off to KY and one of the reasons is that THEY wouldn't help us. It's just really not ok. After jumping through all the hoops and turning in all the paperwork, I have not even heard back from the principal at my kids' school...not even a phone call or email....NOTHING. So, I spoke to his boss today.

He was politically correct - but very kind. I shared nothing but the truth of the situation and he really listened to what I want from this. At this point, there isn't much to ask for...DS2 is going to the boarding school and in the end, it's the right choice for us right now. But, I am so disappointed that we weren't given any other options.

What I need to have happen now from the principal is for support with DD...she still has two more years there and I cannot continue to fight every second to simply get what she needs. It's not ok. I will always fight for my kids - but I shouldn't have to fight with their school to just be supported. My DD can't learn when her concerns are centered around manipulating her teachers...which she continues to do. The stop sign needs to be put up and SUPPORTED!

So, I said it. I said it firmly and not in anger...just in truth.

Pictures of Mom

2010-05-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm playing in the Grown in my Heart carnival...you can play too by going to www.growninmyheart.com and linking up. However, I'm cheating. I don't have any pictures of my mom in the 'olden' days. Our house burned down on Christmas night during my freshman year of high school and all the pictures we had were lost. So, I'm going to write about the picture in my head of my mom...

It was a summer day and I was 7 years old. We were in my mom's cadillac convertible and my mom had been very sad lately. My dad had left us...it was a long time coming, but he didn't do it right. If there is a right way to leave? I had seen her cry a lot...I had heard her trying to hide it in her bedroom in the middle of the night, but I knew I couldn't help her. I wanted to be a really good girl and fix what had happened. I begged my dad to come back...

On this day, she had found some small happiness...the weather was beautiful and I remember looking over at her with her Farrah blond swept hair and her really big strawberry colored sunglasses. She was singing "that will be the daaaayyyyy that I die"...and she was happy. She was beautiful. I remember thinking that I needed to snap a mental picture of that moment, because even at 7 I knew that there was still a lot of pain to come. That was the moment that I wanted to be her.

Singing loud
smiling, wind-swept
Beautiful mom

As an aside...I wish my mom had never gone through that time. I wish my sister had been born into a family that was not broken. I wish I could still have my mom in a significant way. I always wonder if her divorce broke us also...I remind her of things that aren't positive. If she ever read this - I wish she could know that...

I miss her.

Rah, Rah, sis-boom-bah

2010-04-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

DD is in the middle of cheer try-outs. Her behavior had been so wonderful that she earned this privilege. We had planned to hold off on competitive cheer until next year...but she is committed to this process. I sat through the TWO HOUR clinic last night and really watched her. She wasn't chatty Cathy...she was focused.
Really focused for TWO HOURS.

Everything wasn't perfect - as little in life is...but she's so good. I was proud watching her. Not because she is good - but because she was 'putting it all on the line'. She was taking on tasks that are hard for her. I could see the frustration, but there was no melting into a small puddle. She shook it off.

She acted so mature.

When we left she said "I didn't do so good"...I looked at her and said,
"You did awesome...I saw a very strong girl out there tonight working hard on everything asked of her. You paid attention and you are a winner no matter what happens."
It's true...and I have to say it feels like a great victory...especially for her.

We find out on Sunday what team she made. I now have to buckle down and be as committed as she is...it's lot of practice time and travel. But, if my little girl is willing to give up other things (I hate that she has to make that choice at such a young age...but softball went by the wayside as did dance) - then I'm willing to put on my taxi hat and drive, drive, drive.

The boys are very supportive of her, which is cute. I think I figure out DS1...he realizes that there will be 'older' cheerleaders at her competitions. Nothing to sneeze at when you're a teen. And DS2 just truthfully wants something good for her. He asked if I would flip (video) her performances and send them to him by email. I'll have to see if I can do that...great that he asked.

As the time draws nearer for him to start this new adventure in Kentucky, I'm working on my cheerleading skills as well. Go dude, GO! Catch up, learn life lessons, get the time away you need and PLEASE come back to me. Add that to a little dance and short skirt and I could make the cheer team as well!

"It's best for everyone"

2010-04-27T15:47:00.001-07:00

My son, the one who can barely communicate with me on most occasions, the one who has been begging to leave us for a long time now - offered this deep statement this weekend. Not to me.

My best friend took him on Sunday. They spent the day watching cart racing and during the course of the day he shared the information that he is 'going away' this summer. She knew it, of course she did...as my best friend she gets the brunt of many emotionally hand wringing times, but she had not shared with him that she knew. She asked him some questions, all answered in clear tones and with the authority of knowing what you want to say. One of these questions was 'how do you feel about it?' - to which he responded without missing a beat.

"It's what's best for everyone."

I have felt sadness over this comment. He's right. It is what is best for everyone in our family. It could actually be what is going to save our family. We have probably said something to that affect during our many talks with him about this...trying to take the pressure off him feeling like it's all 'his fault' - I know I've said it...

We all need this.

It's a chance for everyone to re-group.

But, he had never reacted in a way that made me think he took that in. Until she told me about this conversation today. I wish we could communicate more. He did want this and we did not. We certainly did not choose this option because he wanted it. He's a child and cannot make these decisions on his own...but he can - and he did - work very hard to make the other options break down.

DD is melting in on herself lately. She was doing so good...so darn good...and I was expecting the crash that I knew would come on from this situation. She doesn't seem to be fearful - what a relief. I was terrified that she would assume we were sending her away - I didn't know if she'd understand what was really going on with DS2. She seems to get the concept. Her biggest issue is that she won't have him to play with anymore...than a little something slipped out.

In the car - she's pouting/crying/trying to make me wreck...
DD: Once he's at school, I won't have anyone to play with
Me: You'll be fine - we all hang out with you and you are making more friends...plus, it will be a good thing for you to be able to play without being bossed around so much.
DD: And, my hair won't burn.
Me: (here's the wrecking part - including the bleeped out word when I nearly crashed) WHAT?
DD: When I didn't play the way he wanted me to, he said he'd sneak into my room and light my hair on fire. But, it was just a joke...he always laughed. When you laugh it means you were joking, right?
Me: That's not a joke.

It's like little pieces of a life I didn't even know about are seeping out through the cracks. I'm still hoping that the time away will seal up some of the cracks.

Collared shirts, bow ties and the bible

2010-04-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

DS2 is intriging me in these past few days. He's blantantly, continually not following instructions...there is a lot of "I don't knows" and "I forgots". This morning he decided that brushing his teeth is optional and he ended up missing the bus. I had my phone interview with his soon-to-be school and therefore he had to do 'mom school' AKA workbooks, until I was available to drive him to school. It was snowing...hard...

I realize that he probably feels there is no reason to 'try' anymore - but really, things aren't any different as far as behavior than they've ever been for him. Except that he's accepting help from me...or planning...or something that resembles being a mother. It's odd and feels good.

He studied Houdini for his famous person report. While out tonight I got him a bow tie to wear for his presentation (you know those fun things where they are supposed to dress up like their person)...I also got him a white collared shirt. While we were there, he and I looked at other collared shirts. He is required to have them for all chapel services on campus and he really doesn't have any. He went with me happily and we talked about colors of shirts and patterns...he was interacting with me. He even walked with me through the whole store and talked, answered, walked close enough that I could have touched him...I actually rubbed his back while we looked for balsamic vinegar and he didn't jump out of my reach. It was a bit like something 'normal'.

Last night he asked if we were going to get him a bible for school. I was raised penecostal and have about 40 bibles...so I got him one down and he announced that he was going to read the whole bible before summer school starts. Cute. Not possible, but cute. I offered him a list of great bible stories and where they are in the good book...he's been carrying it around. Maybe he'll want to discuss it? Wow...one can dream...

I told him that he and I would have a shopping day - just the two of us - to fulfill his school needs and he looked at me and smiled. Is it possible that he likes me a bit more now that he knows he's leaving me? Circular logic I suppose, but this is exactly how I hoped our last weeks would be. Having him as a son is nice.

My cape is torn

2010-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I have some wonderful people in my life. I'm now learning that even some strangers I come into contact with can have an impact. Of course, I'm a loud mouth and right now - I'm on a mission.

Adoption issues are everywhere - really...

I run in adoption circles where people are struggling and I'm sure there are whole groups of people out there touched by adoption who have no issues to speak of...but I firmly believe they are the minority.

Read some blogs of adoptees...there is sadness, loss, grief and even anger there. For a long time I felt mad at them. HOW COULD THEY be mad that someone adopted them? How could they be judgemental of a process that gave them a family? I often termed them 'angry adoptees' and then I started to realize that I am, more than likely, raising adoptees who will still be wounded when they are grown up. Maybe my kids will blog or write or simply talk about their lives, both before and after adoption, and it probably won't be wonderful. I know it won't...because it isn't. When you look at a child and they want nothing more than to be away from you - is there any answer for that?

I don't think there is one that can make you out to be a hero. And, yes, somewhere deep down I wish I could put on a cape and be Superwoman. Ha...no cape in sight!

I'm telling people about our plan for DS2. I have to. Much like adopting older children, it is generally a story you have to tell...it's not like you can suddenly show up with 3 kids instead of 1 and expect people to believe you simply never mentioned them before. So, in about six weeks, he won't be with us anymore. We'll still go to baseball games, hikes, school events and dinners with friends and he won't be there. It's not exactly something I can hide.

And, back to being blessed. Not a soul I've told IRL has seemed judgemental. I'm sure they go home and probably wonder how you can send your son that far away right now. I'm sure they question whether or not they would 'do that'. But, they are supportive to my face. It would be ok if they weren't. It's the right choice for us.

This weekend I told someone about it and learned his story. He was raised in foster care. I sat and listened to a man speak that I firmly believe could by my son someday. He explained his fear of having a family to care for him. He explained his behaviors and why that felt safer. He said that he'd always felt that from DS2...he'd kinda always known. He's a dad now...and a partner to a lovely woman...but he still has issues with being close to someone. I'm proud to know him and truthfully, tears spring to my eyes each time I think that DS2 could have that future...it's more than I've dared dream for him before.

So, I'm busying myself with preparations and the ritual of moving someone. I'm making shopping lists and airline reservations...and I'm thinking about him. This is a child that I am not giving up on...I'm just letting tie to him hang a little looser. His relief is enough to tell me that he needs this too right now.

When asked what our hopes are for an outcome - all I can think is - I want him to feel safe and healthy. I want him to succeed in whatever way works for him. I want him to at least be able to say when he grows up that I did not have a superhero cape, but also - no devil horns.

The answer may lie in blue grass

2010-04-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

We've made a decision and we are totally secure with it. DS2 is attending a boarding school for summer school/camp with the plan of attending his next year of school there. I have to say my heart is not heavy, because I feel that we were sent this opportunity by a higher force. The way we found it and the way it's working out are amazing.

DS2 is on board completely. This is not a shock as he's been asking to leave, but I believe he felt that leaving would be permanent. He seemed surprised that we would have him back during breaks. We really worked the fact in, over and over, that we are forever. We will always be here and he is wanted. I hope that he'll continue to learn this fact.

It may seem odd to many of you - to 'send your child away'...but there is a high cost to how we've been living for all of us. The mass chaos that is a constant in every day of our lives is unacceptable for all 5 of us. I saw relief on his face tonight. I saw relief on my husband's face when we realized it was all going to fall into place.

While I struggle enormously raising DS2...this is peace for me. Totally.

I know it's right.

I know that he'll succeed there. As I told the admissions people about him, I was glowing with pride for the things I believe he'll accomplish when he doesn't have to work on pushing away. I believe he'll feel safer without the constant eyes of a mom and dad (however there is strict supervision...but it's different for a RAD kid).

I believe.

And, I think he does too.

Stinky is BBBBAAAACCCCCKKKKKK

2010-04-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

The affect of our situation with DS2 is having an effect on DD majorly. It's not that she's doing terrible, but she's trying her darndest. She's very angry that I won't fight with her. She even made a false 'report' against me - TO ME. I'm always a bit shocked at those. She told me that I broke her finger. I'm pretty sure I'd remember breaking her finger.
I can't be that crazy.
She really tried to make that into a big deal. A really big deal.
She wanted ice and I let her get it.
She wanted me to examine the finger I had hurt so badly...I said "wow, you are so brave to let me this close to your finger after I hurt it so bad"...she just stared at me.
Her finger was swollen.
Don't know what happened and probably never will.

She is just hard-core mad right now. Things here are really, actually very calm. Strangely so, perhaps. But, she wants anger right now.

She is struggling in math and last night I took an hour of my time (spread over a few sittings) to sit with her and re-teach what she's missed at school. I really hadn't done that too many times with her because she was usually right on it. I pointed out that she needed to listen, that I'd help her however I could. We laughed and she commented on how easy it really was...but I was pretty sure she wasn't actually listening.

After our third sit down, I calmly told her that I did expect her to remember at least one problem and how we worked on it. So, tonight she knew none of it. I didn't get upset, just told her to get the papers we worked on last night and re-teach herself.

After much wailing and drama, she just came down and said:
"I'll pay you $10 to teach me this again."...
I said "ok".

So, I'm off to make a quick $10. She'll be offering it to me again soon, because I'm not expecting it to stick right now either. I will be using this money to do something fun and nice for myself...if I save long enough I can buy a nice new pair of shoes....hmmmm...

Meatloaf in the car

2010-04-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

I like music. It's a memory trigger for me - can literally take me back to moments in my life that I would otherwise forget.
Come on...driving down a gravel road with a boy I really liked and listening to Red, Red Wine and singing along...then having him buy Strawberry wine (you know that stuff that cost like 1.50) and share it with me?
Jump, Jump by Kris Kross - those little boys that wore all their clothes backward...and deciding to dress up like that for Halloween during college...screaming the words out as we drove to the mall to buy some big jeans and sweatshirts.

Well, I tell these stories to my kids a lot. I talk about the music I listened to - so does my hubby. DS1 has soaked in a lot of this and his iPod compilation is a strange mix of Bob Marley (every song ever) along with The Fray and a little Cars thrown in for good measure. Oh yeah, just got him to listen to, and remotely like, Mambo #5!

However, as with most things I assume that when I'm telling my stories to DS2 and DD, it's just for the purpose of me talking. So, I was amazed today when DS2 could answer questions about music in the car. The Cars came on and I asked who sang it? He knew...then told the story he remembered about my life and that song. Sheryl Crow came on and I asked where this singer went to college? He knew...it's my alma mater and he remembered that she lived in the sorority house right behind mine (she was there before me). He even knew Meatloaf.

There was something that sparked...he listened to me at some point - maybe multiple points. Even when he's silent and looks angry, there is something sinking in.

Wow.

It's truly a revelation.

I'm not silly enough to think that it has solved anything between us. I'm not naive enough to think that he listened to everything I said. But, I'm touched, that's truly it - I'm emotionally touched that he ever cared to listen about a story of my life.

And...totally off this topic...both DD and DS2 need braces in June. The amount of stress I could let that bring right now...oh geez, brushing teeth will matter a little more...more things in the mouth to screw around with - and expensive ones at that.

Dear me...

Pull him out...REALLY?

2010-04-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm mad.
Really, really, really mad.
I have, once again, picked up my fight with the school district to hold my child back - retain him - to use correct language. In all realms, it's parent choice...I cannot think of a single reason to let him move on right now. They won't qualify him for services - so getting 'extra help' is not a viable option.
All the reasons they give me OVER AND OVER are pointless in our world. They don't want to hear all the reasons why he should not move on...I get the same line - he passes.
Blech.
I sent the official "I'm not listening to your crap anymore and you WILL do what I say" email last week to the principal. He called me back today to let me know (wait for it) that my son doesn't feel he needs to be held back. WTF? I hate that teen lingo, but I'd also like to keep this blog remotely 'clean' - so let me say it again...WTF?
How, in the name of all that's good, did he think it was ok to pull my kid out and get his opinion on this? Don't get me wrong - we aren't lying to DS2. He knows. And, at home, he doesn't care...even dares us to hold him back. I've written numerous emails and letters explaining where we are - where he is...and the one thing I've consistently pointed out is my son's inability to tell the truth - ever.
Then, the principal tells me that in the 20 minutes he spent with son, "He seems so in touch with his emotions about this". Huh? RAD kid - feeling in tune with emotions - faking it with an outsider...NO WAY, right?

I cannot fathom.

I've told this man a million times that DS2 has RAD...that DD has RAD. I've given materials on RAD, I've offered to hold meetings and explain what this means. I continue to be told that he 'gets RAD' and he 'knows all about RAD'. For the record - a firm belief I hold is that...

You don't know about RAD unless you've lived with RAD.
A therapist that hasn't raised a RAD kid should NOT be preaching about RAD.
Reading it and living it are not even in the same hemisphere.
It would be like me telling a cancer survivor that they really shouldn't have worried about it.
I don't know what that feels like. Thank God.
And, trust me...YOU (Mr. Principal) don't know what my son is going through after hanging out with him for 20 minutes...you have not got a clue.

I told him that I was about to become the exact poster of what I already know I am. A raving lunatic mother with a big ole chip on my shoulder. I'm not going to lose.

I had lunch with a fellow mom raising special needs kiddos. We were discussing the things we'd gained/learned from raising these kids...from the whole process - what it did/is doing to us.

I learned that I can pretty much do anything. That, sadly, you sometimes have to be a complete B*tch to get things done for your children that seem basic to me.

I'm not giving up. I know for SURE that he needs another year. You can rattle off fact after fact about how retention doesn't work and I have a reason for every one of yours about why that does NOT apply to my boy. I am at a point where I don't care. I've got nothing to lose. He is NOT going to the next grade. I've asked for this for 4 years now...and this time, I'm not lying down and letting them decide for me. No more.

And - DON'T PULL MY KID OUT TO TALK TO HIM WITHOUT ME THERE EVER AGAIN!!!

I'm still a sucker - part 1001

2010-03-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

So, after The Great PEEDINI was exposed I decided that he hadn't earned sleeping in his room. Honestly, I needed to keep the door shut from the smell which has mutated:
Dirty litter box in a hot room....to
dirty litter box in a cold room (thanks to open windows during a snow storm)...to
musty damp carpet mixed with air freshner....to
crunchy carpet from too many cleanings and overwhelming clean linen smell from too many airwicks....to
the smell of defeat.
It will never be clean.
Never.
Anyway, I moved him to the basement. Basically to live there. I give him clothes when he needs them and he's allowed to go upstairs and use the shower each night...but he is NOT ALLOWED IN THAT ROOM. Otherwise known to him as the TOILET. Not even one step. Now that the door is open I've actually put an orange cone in the doorway - nothing like a visual reminder that you peed all over my home...and your clothes...and you laughed when I touched your urine soaked clothes. And, for the record that may be kept for eternity...
I now smell PEE EVERYWHERE I TURN. It's like a disease that soaked into my skin. I've showered like 400 times in 4 days.

So, the basement dweller is cared for. I'm not starving him and there is a toilet in the basement - which it seems is closer than the one upstairs because he's using it (or the smell from not using it is not strong yet since the basement is a much larger space). He's been sleeping well - which is not always true for him. I actually sat on the couch last night with DH and cried tears of relief, thinking that this could actually be an answer.

Maybe he's just been too tired to make good decisions.
Maybe the cool of the basement agrees with his perpetually hot body.
Maybe he is going to miraculously change from sleeping on a couch in the freakin' basement.
Or maybe I'm a sucker. Yep...that last one is the right one.

He's been staying up all night watching tv and playing video games. THAT is why he's been sleeping until 10am. I realized this at 2:45 am when I was up sick for the 40th time this season (can anyone say stress can cause numerous health issues...I'm stressed people) and it dawned on me. He will absolutely do the wrong thing at any point when not being watched. I've yet to be proven wrong there. So, I walked to the basement door and sure enough - tv was on at 2:45 am. I did not go down there. I like living outside prison walls and honestly knew that I could not speak logically without killing him.

This morning however he got a nice fun wake-up call at 7am...do you know that exhausted kids tell the truth on accident. I picked up the remote and said "what fun shows did you watch last night?" - he starting listing them and then POOF...realized what was happening and changed tunes. Back to liar, liar, pants on fire. Oh, he should have wished for pants on fire. In the ensuing time of becoming my worker bee for the day (that is the kindest thing I could think to do) he blabbed some stupid stuff. No, truly stupid stuff. Let's see:

I didn't do it to get in trouble. But, I got caught, and I knew that I would get in trouble if I got caught. I always get caught. (DUH)

I'll decide how bad I'll be today after I see how much you P&SS me off.

And the best one - in a free minute while I decided what needed to be done next...
"Hey mom, can I watch TV?"

Is this a joke?

toilets are hard to get to...in my house

2010-03-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

Warning: Both pee and poop are discussed below. What can I say??? Life with RAD...

Wow. We've gone over 4 years with little to no toileting issues. You would think with my kids being almost 11 and almost 12 we'd be out of the woods on that one. But, that's a negative. It's all exploded lately. I often say that when one RADish is on the down swing, the other is on the up...not this time...or this issue. They are both in the crapper (yes, that's supposed to be a joke).

We've had smelly issues for a couple of months surrounding DS2. He's had a different odor since coming home and sweats badly for a younger kid. We talk about taking care of your body, soaping good, we've bought special anti-persperants and reminded him gently to wear it every day. However...lately it's been more pungent. I had checked his room - assuming the worst and it was like a game of hot and cold. Needless to say as I did laundry last night I found all his clothes wet and smelling of urine. Then we checked his room more thoroughly...he's been peeing in his trash can, his laundry hamper and saving the best for last - all over his carpet. I mean all over. Leaving his door shut is not an answer anymore -the smell has permeated our house and I'm sick. New carpet is in fast order and we have not budgeted for that in any way. But, the bigger issue is WHY?

As you probably know if you are raising a RADish or even a challenged child in any way - that question - WHY - is pointless. My kid can't put thoughts together to answer that - or honestly, he doesn't know why. But, it blurted out and his answer was "it's too hard to get to the toilet sometimes". Really? The bathroom is directly to the left of his door. I mean maybe 10 steps from the furthest reaches of his room to the toilet. That's hard? Maybe a porta potty should be installed beside his bed - it couldn't smell much worse in his room. Yes, think of that grossest potty you've ever been in and that's about the smell we are dealing with.

DD has the same excuse for not using the toilet for #2. She just doesn't have 'time' to get to the toilet. It takes too long. She has literally made herself sick becasue she won't go. For weeks at a time. So, I'm now pumping her full of laxative (per her doc) and monitoring when she goes. That's fun. I'm really pleased with the announcements of poop. I feel like I did when DS1 was first learning to potty...maybe a potty dance is in order.

That's life around here for now...a condemned bedroom upstairs and trips to watch my daughter use the toilet. The fun never ends...now, if we could only find a toilet that is trained to walk right behind you. Maybe then my kids would not have such a hard time getting to it!

not so close encounters of the 2nd kind

2010-03-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a 'second kind' of parent. When you think mom - you see a woman doling out kisses for skinned knees, making cupcakes for class parties...basically June Cleaver. Even in today's world, I think that is closer to what outsiders hope is happening in every family. Ahhh...but honestly...that is only happening in a tiny fraction of households. It just so happens that I feel like I live in the epicenter of June Cleaver land. And really, I seem more like Sharon Osbourne.

My parenting role is best fulfilled when I'm organizing things or putting plans into action. My kids are always on time - dressed correctly for whatever activity it might be. I've planned things down to playing games on a night where we are all home...and I like to do that. Heck, we have a set 'cuddle time' - which has basically become simply a time when each child has to sit with us for 15 minutes with no siblings. There are nights I realize it's the first time I've really seen them for more than 15 seconds.

Last night was a toughie (I say that a lot don't I?). The boys this time. They got into a physical altercation and it devolved to name calling and general disgust. I doled out consequences - sent the accused off to bed early and went straight back to putting library books on hold, looking up hotels for a trip this summer and going through missing assignments at school for DS1. My morning was pretty robotic. I don't want to discuss last night anymore - it was discussed. So, I didn't have a lot to say to DS2...thankfully I don't have to see DS1 in the mornings.

As I rattled off the itenarary of the day during breakfast I thought "would most mom's be different right now?"...would most moms have shoved off what happened last night as "boys will be boys"? Does parenting a 'different' child make us all this way? Do we just go into 'what has to be done' mode and realize that a skinned knee heals?

The heir apparent

2010-03-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

I was a dramatic youth...sadly, I was usually on the bully side of most equations. Of course, when you run with the bullies, you do, eventually, get bullied yourself - mercilessly. So, I've lived that as well.
In my adult life, I've become brilliant. I know all the answers and let me assure you that DS1 does not want to hear any of them. I thought my parents were idiots as well...so turnabout and all that jazz.

My son is mess today...and he's handling it all wrong...and there is nothing I can apparently do about it. I'm sure I screwed up majorly already by making him talk when he didn't want to...but I worry. He said some things that concern me and now I'm trying to figure out the next steps. Can you legally put them in a barrel until age 18? Now, it's to protect him. Kids are mean and it hurts all the more when those mean kids were supposed to be your friend. I just don't want him (or any of my kids) to be the weak link.

Why can't kids see that if they don't let it bother them...it goes away? You are the only one who can choose how gossip and false crap affects you. If you go to their level, you lose too. Yes, all of that is what I tried to tell him...and none of it is what he wanted to hear. I tried to point out that finding just a few real friends would be so much better than a group of 'non-friends'...which he immediately took to mean that I didn't think he had any friends. Somehow, it all ended up being my fault.

I think this is what the next 8 years look like for us, right? I'm sad for him and worried...

RAD intervention?

2010-03-09T09:22:00.001-08:00

This was a tough weekend with DS2. Really tough. I'm finding it hard to find love for him...really hard. He's come to a point of simply trying his darndest to ruin things. Mostly my house and my soul. He said "I didn't want a family". That was just a plain statement for him. When I answered "well, you have one and we are not going to let you hide from us"...he just stared at me blankly.
He wants me to leave him alone...not just in a typical tween way...but in totality. He wants the good stuff - vacations, birthday parties, day trips - but he's unwilling to live with what he considers the bad stuff - expectations, rules, boundaries. He told me that I should NOT care if he learns anything in school. Really, I have stopped caring...it's not something I can control. That does not stop it from making me sad for him. I know I'm not supposed to live in the 'what about the future?' part of life - but I find it hard not to.
What is his future? Being chronically disorganized (a term placed on him by his teacher and dead on in my mind) seems like a hard thing to live with. I look at small things like paying an electric bill...forget the fact that I wonder where the money will come from...but the actual physical task of getting the mail, opening it, getting a checkbook and writing a check - then remembering to mail it off in time. OK, we can hope for online bill pay...but there is the whole concept of setting that up as well. Of course, there are millions of adults that aren't OCD crazy like me...billions even. They survive...
But, the ones that don't. What is that thing that made them not make it? I have seen a show called Intervention. It's about drug/alcohol dependency and the complete chaos it presents, not just for the addict, but for the family. I firmly believe that mental illness can function the same way. An unattached person creates a world of chaos for all around him/her. It seeps into every moment of every day. When things are going good, I'm bracing for when they go bad again.
I have hopes for him. I wish he had hopes for himself.

four days away

2010-03-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

We went away for four days. Just DH and I - and, well, 360 or so of his closest work associates. But, the point here is that we went sans children. So, I spent four days without having to say:
*Maybe you can try again with the truth this time.
*Who tracked dog poo on the carpet?
*Yes, when I asked you to help I actually meant it.
*No, this look does not mean I'm happy with your decision.
But, I also didn't get to say:
*Give me a big hug.
*I'm really proud of you for that.
*How was your day at school?
*I do love you, even when you don't want me to.

So, the trade offs were there. I needed the break - and I enjoyed it. I also found that adoption permeates my conversation a lot. These people all know us - at least by name or reputation (the good kind...) and stories pass through companies like small towns. Most folks there know we adopted since we were with the company then as well. Even if they don't know, it's a big time of telling stories about your kids and I often find myself thinking that I need to TELL THEM...like if I'm bragging about my daughter tumbling skills...I joke about not giving her the talent, just the drive. Some of my funny kid stories may not sound funny if you don't know our story - I guess, to some, RAD isn't funny! Once the topic comes up - there are a few questions that tend to be asked:
*Not to be personal, but...can you tell me more about xxx... - I have NO problem with these questions. I'm not a real 'personal' person. I'll answer almost anything...that sometimes leads to...
*But, of course, you'd do it all again even knowing what you know, right? - this one is tough. Would I? Honestly, no. If I really knew then what I know now...I would have been too scared of my weaknesses, too unsure of my ability to continue to parent and love in the face of adversity. I would have been worried to death about the health and welfare of the three people in my family already...so, no - I probably wouldn't have done it. When I tell them that, it comes to...
*So, I know these friends/neighbors/siblings who want to adopt. Would you tell them not to do it? - hmmmmm...I had people tell me not to do it and I didn't listen...so no, I would not tell these prospective adoptive families to not adopt. I would ask them to hear my story (especially if they are adopting older children), I would ask them to read with the mind-set of 'this can happen' and I would ask them to really look at what they are doing this for...

I was happy to get home, although I brought the flu home with me. I've been blessed to sit or lay in basically one spot for 48 hours. Thankfully, it was still school days...thinking I can enter the weekend with a little more energy (maybe a whole hour sitting up!). It was great to see the kids and hear about the fun they had while we were gone. And, it was nice to see that while I was gone...things here were just in a holding pattern. Within minutes of getting up our first day home, the wheels feel off the bus. Since this driver is sick, I just let it careen down the road...it must have righted itself. There, that's the lesson I've really learned.

a hole in my wall

2010-02-23T18:53:00.001-08:00

Therapist: You have to be careful to not build a wall around yourself when your children hurt you.

Me: Yes, I reach out anew every day...but there are times when my self-preservation kicks in and I just check out.

Therapist: (making a circular motion with her hands and bumping fists together) But a wall can either be hard or just not there...there has to be an in-between.

Me: I have a cordial relationship with my kids when I'm feeling hurt. I don't shut them out, I don't run away from home, I still offer myself as a parent to them, I simply don't sign up for abuse.

Therapist: Yes, you have to stay emotionally separated.

Me: (Confused...)

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a business relationship with my kids. I'm protective of myself. I try very hard to never, never, never be mean or nasty. I can't say I've never been mean...but on a general basis, I'm cordial. That's not a word I ever thought I'd use about my relationship with my kids. But, that's where we're at right now - and it's a better place than we've been in before. I allowed DS2 to hurt my feelings again today. And, they are really hurt. I try to tell myself that is what he wanted...and then I try to buckle down and not let him 'win'...but it stinks.

We have a running discussion of lying. I've mentioned that I don't feel I've ever lied to my kids - I've asked them to discuss with me if they feel I've lied to them. This weekend, DS2 was sent to his room so I could have a break. I said, "go to your room and don't come out". About an hour later it was lunch time and I was letting each child make whatever they wanted for lunch. So, I called him down to eat. Today he says that I lied to him because I said he shouldn't come out of his room and then I called him out to eat. EXCUSSSSSSEEEEEE me for feeding you! The tone of this revelation by him was rude...hateful...nasty. He kind of said it like "see, you are a loser mother"...it hurt worse than if he had said that. This was before school.

I spent the day trying to decide if there was anything that I should "do" about that disrespect, about that basic rude stupidity. I'm torn in these situations. I want to discuss with him, beg for an apology...I want to see that he cares that he hurt me. It seems that no matter how many times I model apologies and genuine sadness for hurting someone (because I DO apologize when I mess up and I AM sorry)...that just doesn't soak in. So, I did nothing and when he came to me tonight to tell me something about school - I found myself detached. I sat and listened, but not actively - I didn't ask questions, just commented on what I had to...and really, I didn't hear him at all. I was working really hard to be polite.

Dang...I don't want to have to work at that with my child. Dang...

An interview with Judy Miller

2010-02-19T13:12:00.000-08:00

Through my good fortune to become involved with Grown In My Heart network, I've met some wonderful people. One of which is Judy Miller...and I'd like to share more about her...take a look!

An Interview with Judy M. Miller about Parenting Your Adoptive Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond
Judy M. Miller is an adoptive parent and adoption advocate living in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She has mentored prospective adoptive and adoptive parents for over a decade about adoption—its joys and issues. She is a member of Adoption Voices (moderating a group for parents of tween and teen adoptees), AdoptionParenting, AdoptionParentingTweens, Families with Children from China, and Our Chinese Daughters Foundation.
Judy is a columnist for the adoption network, Grown in My Heart. Her essays and articles appear in adoption and parenting magazines. Judy’s stories are featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press), and Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul). She recently presented on “Finding Our Stories Online” at Story Circle Network’s Stories of the Heart. Judy facilitates classes for adoptive parents of tweens and teens at Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens and Beyond http://judymmiller.com/.

What prompted you to create a class on parenting adopted children?
I was moved to create Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond for several reasons, but the main reason was that many parenting classes target waiting parents or parents who have recently adopted infants and young children. There are few classes for adoptive parents of kids entering tweens and teens.
I created Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond because I observed the hunger adoptive parents have to connect and share with other adoptive parents. I know from personal experience that this hunger to connect with other adoptive parents never goes away and is especially needed when parenting is most challenging—before and during adolescence.
I also found that as I became a more experienced adoptive parent, I had countless requests for my “expertise” for over a decade and fell into a mentoring role for other adoptive parents and parents beginning the adoption process. I believe we glean the most from our own tribe, from collective experiences as adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents. Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond was created in this spirit.
Why teens and tweens? Why not parenting young adopted children or school-age adopted children?
Issues inherent in adoption typically begin to surface when the child realizes they are becoming independent from their parents. Questions many parents assumed had been addressed when their child was younger often resurface. Most adoptive parents aren’t aware of this or prepared for it. Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond is a class that helps the adoptive parent navigate these parental challenges, which are compounded by the complexities of adoption. I often say that parenting is not adoptive parenting. Parenting adopted children is adoptive parenting—more is required of the adoptive parent in parenting the adopted child.
Who would be helped by your class the most?
Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond is for parents who have children between the ages 6 and 18. During these years kids begin to understand what they have gained and lost by being adopted. Parents find themselves challenges with a lot of questions as in “Why did my birth mother give me up?”, “What did I do to be given up?” and “Why did you adopt me?”
I even have one parent, who is considering taking the class now, even though both of her children are under the age of five. This parent wants to be proactive, prepared as much as she can be. She sees this class as the next step in parenting her adopted children. I think it’s always a good idea to be as informed and prepared as you can be as an adoptive parent.
Aren’t there already ample resources available on this topic?
Wonderful books, articles and resources are on parenting adopted teens are available, but reading takes time and digesting the facts takes even more. Many adoptive parents don’t have the benefit of having the “conversations” with other adoptive parents, who best understand what they and their child are experiencing. There are a few online classes for adoptive parents of adolescents, with little, if any, interaction with the other adoptive parents in the group. And, of course, there are online forums, but discussions there tend to go off on tangents and are not private.
Although I have a library of resources to draw from, my preference has always been to connect with others in the adoption community—adoptive parents, well-seasoned adoptive parents, and older adoptees for insight and perspective. So, I’ve created an e-mail class that offers the benefits of all the resources, my experiences parenting four kids, and the wisdom of the group.
If someone has never taken an e-class before, can you explain what they can expect in terms of their time commitment to the class?
I send course material out weekly via Word Document. The workbooks cover different topics related to parenting the adopted tween/teen. The beauty of the class is that participants meet each other virtually through the class introduction and sharing of weekly class work. Participating parents do weekly assignment at their convenience, when it fits into their busy life. The weekly time commitment is only a couple of hours per week but, of course, the parents can reflect on what they are learning and discussing as much as they like. The class lasts six weeks and the class materials can be referred back to as needed in the future.
The next Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond begins April 7th. Class is limited to 12 participants. Parents can find out more and register here. http://judymmiller.com/

Didn't you smell the mustard?

2010-02-16T16:02:00.000-08:00

We have many special little jokes in our house...some are really hilarious and others are only funny to my sweet husband and I. As I've mentioned before, we've found that if you don't laugh at RAD, you cry as it's sweeping you down the river to your eventual demise!!! So, we've coined Mr. Opposite as the name for those times when one or more of the kids will say that EVERYTHING we say is totally wrong. This happens in every house...you know how you may say "I'm making chicken for dinner tonight" and the smarty pants sitting near you will say "You didn't make chickens, God did"...or some other such crap. Yeah, that is Mr. Opposite.
In our house he takes many forms but is generally always present. Today DS2 came home from school covered in yellow stuff - pretty easy to see on a bright blue sweatshirt. I bowed to my own parently pressure of wanting to know...
Mom: What's that yellow stuff?
DS2: What yellow stuff? (as he's staring at it)
Mom: That (pointing to the whole sweatshirt)
DS2: Must be mustard
Mom: Ok...did you notice it was all over you?
DS2: I didn't put it there.
Mom: Wow...it just jumped up and attacked you?
DS2: My sandwich dropped it.
Mom: (walking away) That was a very mean sandwich, I hope you made it strong sit!

Incredible! That darn sandwich. Later, when told to be sure and spray and wash the sweatshirt (and please take it off before you smush the stuff all over your bedspread) - it was with great labor that he went downstairs and did the job the sandwich obviously should have done.

In crosstalk a bit later, I pointed out to myself that I wasn't going to take anyone who lies with me to Disney World...Mickey does not approve of lying and there was no way I was going to get in his bad graces by showing up with people unaccustomed to the truth. My daughter started crying. Please note: I was not talking to her or to him...I was talking in their vicinity. This is a trick I got from their therapist and I notice that it does get their attention. Since they are both quite the eavesdroppers...it seems that they really listen when they think I'm NOT talking to them. So, DS2 whom I was hoping to 'get' with my line said nothing...DD cried for a while. When I asked what was wrong while still feigning innocence that she had heard my self-talk, she said "I was really looking forward to Disney". Well...then tell the truth...

I got a snuggly for Valentine's Day - you know the blankets with arms. That has also been a long running joke in my house, because I'm always cold in the evenings and lo and behold - there is sat when I got up on Sunday. It's pink...and flawed by design. What woman actually can just sit on the couch for periods of time. I'm constantly pausing a show to redirect kids or change loads of laundry or clean up left over dishes. Heck even if you just shift slightly, drafts come in toward your backside. So, I tried wearing it with the opening at the front and I tied it shut with a belt. That worked better...then I created what I wanted out of it. I sewed on fabric scraps in order to tie it shut in 3 places down my front. If I'm moving a lot, I only use the middle tie...if I'm sitting I tie it shut at my neck and legs. However, the sleeves are too long for real work - so my next task is to figure out a way to hitch them up and down. When I am done I think I should sell my new design to the snuggli people. And yes, you can tell I'm randomly excited about this whole project!

DS1 had his first date on Monday. Lunch at Red Robin and an IMAX showing of Avatar. I got to pick them all up and drive (I seriously volunteered) and the girls were very polite. I've gotten basically no updates, no info...it's killing me. There is a thin line between forcing a teen to talk and hoping that they will. DH is better at that line than me - he can somehow joke around and get a bit of info. However, I do note that DS1 speaks loudly to his friends and gives them lots of info and I wonder if he does it on purpose...I'm a good eavesdropper too. He has to know that, right?

R E S P E C T

2010-02-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

"I don't respect you".

Ouch.

I've been told a lot of times that one or the other doesn't love me. In fact, I've been told I'm hated, horrible, disgusting, all the way up to I should simply go away and die. All very yuck - but I could handle it.

Today it came out "I don't respect you".

Respect is simply something I feel children give to those that have gone before them - those who know more...I know my kids do respect most adults - they are polite and helpful and fun to others and I guess I already knew this. I knew they didn't respect me - can you respect someone you hate? They've never acted respectful (unless they were angling for something)...but yet - the words hurt.

DS2 has a math test Friday. In the 10 nights of homework for this unit, he's gotten 4 problems right out of 48. This sounds mean - but I'm praying he actually fails the test. He asked me for help once - I really don't give it out much...it's a ploy. But, I was hoping (again) that he actually wanted help. About two minutes into me showing him how to do it, he said "can you just give me the answers so I can be done?" I said, that isn't very respectful and well...return to the top.

DD came home yesterday not feeling well. I was concerned it was a reaction to the tenex (which is still showing great signs of working)...I played it low key and just asked a few questions over the course of the evening. Finally right before bed she says "Well...I only started feeling like throwing up after the meatball sub at school. I don't think I should get that anymore." - I told her I thought that was a great connection - almost threw up myself (cafeteria meatball subs???) and sent her to bed not worrying about her medication issues!

She also called me out last night. I forgot that she owed me pay back time...I pointed out that she hadn't reminded me of it and she said "well, last time I reminded you, you thought I was bossing you around and you added more payback time". Ahhh...she is being honest - I do remember that day...and I remember acting inappropriately in my response. So, I apologized, cuddled in bed with her and told her that Mom is always 'right' but that doesn't mean I can't be wrong sometimes! How's that for confusion???

Maybe it wasn't very respectful...

The wide world of sports...joyfully

2010-02-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

We went to a college basketball game this weekend. It was DS2 and DD's first college experience. We attend many, many sporting events and it usually doesn't go well. But, it's something we (DH and I) love and I won't lose it and yes, I keep taking them all, hoping for something amazing to happen and then - it DID! We had fun...we had no meltdowns and on the side, a few cool 'awakenings'!

DS2, as you know, doesn't like school. He hears us discuss college - with our smarty pants headed to high school, it's a topic that comes up in our house more often now. DS1 already seems to have big plans - all which take him far, far away from home. As we drove up to the campus (about 1.5 hours from our house), DH continued to espouse the joys of being closer to home...laundry service and easy drives home for cash being at the top of the list. I know that DS2 and DD hear and enjoy some of these conversations...and we include them - but DS2 would always say "nope...I'm not going to college"!

We sat near the student section at the game - yelling, costumes, face paint, overall craziness...and DS2 LOVED it. He asked lots of questions and couldn't believe that this, too, was part of college life. They study and go to class and have fun? Really? About half-way through the game he says "So, if I go here...". I could have cried. Not that it's the whole measure of him or any person, but it's a dream I've always had. College was a great time for me - my friends now are mostly from those connections. I loved every second of it. I've always hoped that all three of my kids would get to experience that - and the obvious benefit in the workplace that follows!

DD was enamored by the cheerleaders and sat quietly - except at correct cheering moments through the WHOLE game. People - 2.5 hours of calm, relaxed, joyful behavior from my precious daughter. Wide eyes and normal sensical questions...drinking a soda without purposefully spilling it...just too many wonders to name. Not one loud word about someone around us either...those words are almost always embarrassing! I hope this is a great side effect of her new med combo - she's now on risperdal and tenex - but more than that, I hope it's a bit of maturity and just plain ole' happiness settling her anxious soul.

We were there to root for the away team - my old alma mater...and folks were very nice and cordial. Happy ending because my Tigers won big...great conversation driving home...and actual excitement for the Super Bowl. Which concluded with another long marathon of watching the game, understanding it and actually ENJOYING it with my children. Great snacks (diet be darned for one evening...but oh, too much cheese in our bellies)...and happy attitudes.

I know it can be taken for granted - if you have kids that like to do things that you like to do...and do them with joy. Even if you have kids that do things with joy that they don't like to do.

This weekend was a reminder of how far we've come and how great the journey may turn out to be...remind me of that in 6 years when I'm paying for 3 college educations. I must continue to smile!!!

Is that the best you got?

2010-02-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

Some little piece of me is a perfectionist. Ok, maybe a slightly larger chunk than I'd like to admit. Maybe perfection isn't the word - and really, in the life I have right now, perfection would be an improbability - it's just the striving for it. I like to do the best I can at whatever I do. I like the feeling of knowing I did my best and I even like the drive it creates in me when I know I didn't. Growing up I was mortified to get a B and honestly, never got anything lower. All this to say that it's hard to watch a child that doesn't seem to want the best for themselves.

We are still in a rut with DS2. He just doesn't have that fire - about anything. I'm doing a much better job of living with what he calls life...his choices, not mine. I stay out of homework and honestly, I've stopped fighting the school. The hard part of that for me is that I feel like I've stopped fighting for HIM. I know that I'm right about what he needs. I sincerely believe that I know best for my son. And, it's impossible to mesh the two things. Have I given up on him? He's a confusing young man. He is not screwing around during homework time - he truthfully sits at his desk and works...for a LONG time. He gets upset if I tell him homework time is over and he's not done. He wants to finish - but he doesn't seem to want to finish right. Or, a sad thought for me - is that maybe he can't finish right. But, that returns me to the fact that he needs something that the school is not admitting. So, when he brought his homework down tonight (after 2 hours and 15 minutes to do 16 math problems, alphabetize a list of 15 words and answer 2 questions about his 30 minutes of reading), I simply said "did you do the best you could do?"...and he stared at me. No answer.

I looked over the work later and it wasn't good. Then I pondered - would he really waste 2 hours of his life to purposefully do it wrong? And, if he is trying his hardest - how can there not be a learning disability of some kind to make him miss 8 out of 10 problems and leave 6 blank (remember, that amount of work took him over an hour)? I'm at a loss. I hope to see him make something great of himself...I do.

DD has consistently asked to make her hair blonder...for YEARS. I've preached the good line of "you are beautiful like you are" and "you don't want to mess with your hair so young". Then, she had these last 3 weeks. They've been tough for her...I would categorize her as depressed. My heart breaks for the princess and I got the idea to just do it. She and I together could color her hair. I bought the kit - read all the directions - changed my mind about 30 times and then saw her getting off the bus. I was excited! I brought her in with the big TA-DA and showed her what we were going to do. After a minor freak out about getting burned by the solution - she settled in and we spent the next 105 minutes playing hair salon. She laughed, I laughed...we hugged and bonded for that time. She sat still (perhaps the most accomplished part of the evening). The boys got interested in the process and hung around a bit to 'watch'...in the end, her hair was a bit blonder than I'd planned...but she had a huge grin and couldn't wait to show it off. The joy was worth it. I may have created a monster - one I hope never has purple hair...but for now, we have a real live barbie living in our house (yes, it's THAT blonde)!

DS1 is doing well...baseball starts in one week and he's excited. His grades are good and he is happy overall. Sometimes I'm amazed he can sustain that in this craziness!

And...to end with the best of the week...
DD to me in explanation of why I'm only her second favorite mom (compared to Russian mom)
"Well, you haven't even let me have the tiniest iPod ever made"

all the small things

2010-01-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

I cleaned out my file cabinet yesterday. Another one of those days where my OCD wins. I was busy all day - doing things that may have or may not have needed to get done. Still in my pj's when DH got home...that's always a good sign. But, I was happy - no depression to go along with this strange fit of cleanliness. Anyway, there is a point.
As I was cleaning out the file cabinet I came across the file I've lovingly name "My Nemisis" - otherwise known as RAD. I actually sat down and read through some articles that I'd been given over the last couple of years and renewed my hope in being able to do this thing. However, I also ran across all the emails I've sent to random people begging for help - outlining what was going on with my son or daughter and why I needed support (from the school...from therapists...from friends) - and the sad part is that most of what I wrote about in 2007 is still going on. I guess I keep hoping for healing and really - it may not happen. One of the articles said to raise them as though it won't happen...and not be emotionally invested in healing. It's wasted emotion. Yes...I know it. But, it still stinks. So, last night was a great parenting night at my house...let's see if I can hold that pattern!

On my weight loss front (which is a BIG reason I am happy right now) - I'm .5 pounds from hitting 30 pounds lost. I could not be more proud of myself for sticking with it. Now that I've seen a huge change - it's easier to be motivated. I like going to the gym - heck, maybe even love it. It's one hour of my day that is totally for me...no one else. When I weighed in this week I almost cried. I didn't have to bend my head forward to see the numbers - I could look straight down...past my stomach and see them. OMG. Strange to get excited about such a thing...but in three months - I feel like I've turned SOMETHING around. It's for me.

DS2 has decided to not run track this summer. That is upsetting because he is so stinkin' good. I so want him to want it...to want to feel the rush of being great at something...to have passion about something that can give him a feeling of worth. But, again - that's me wanting for him...not him wanting. So, we let it go. However, being physically active is not optional in this house - so we let him know that we'd be picking an activity for him...and we have. He's doing a training class for tri-athlons. Biking, running and swimming. All things he likes in small doses. The training is 6 weeks - 2 times a week and then he actually participates in our community tri. (they do 4 every summer)...so since he's turning 12 - he's in the adult category...that means biking 9.7 miles, running 3.1 miles and swimming 500 meters. Yes, I told him. We made it clear that this is NOT about winning...it's about doing the best you think you can and then doing better than you think you can. It might take him 8 hours - I don't know...but he needs to complete it. We'll see...I don't expect he'll be happy about it (although he took the news well)!

DD has gotten stuck on wanting to join the cheer team again. You may remember that we took her off the competitive team 2 years ago because we found out that she was hiding in the bathroom during practice...lying about injuries, etc. Too much time committment and money for her to screw around. She still tumbles and now she's in a dance class. Well, last night she wrote us a letter. A small excerpt:
"I just have one wish I want to tell you. I want to be a cheerleader. I want to be the girl who is pretty and has a lot of friends on the cheer squad. I want to be a flyer too. Except, right now, I'm just a girl who is good at the stuff for cheerleading, but wishes she could join a squad."

That's more honesty than we've ever really gotten - and the fact that she wrote it instead of asking us every 10 minutes is a big step (although she did ask us numerous times if we read it). We told her it's under parental advisement. Tryouts are in March...so a bit of time - thankfully. I want to make her wish come true - but I don't want to sign up for yet another bummer situation!

Rolling in 2010

2010-01-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

Eight days down...that's right people - we've made it through 8 days of a new year and my house is still standing and my family is all alive.
The beginning of a new year is often hectic around here. Lots of new activities start and many plans seem to come together. I actually like the madness a bit. I love to see my kids active and 'doing'...although we are still deep in winter (what is with this cold...10 degrees for a high is NOT something I enjoy), it starts to feel like a melt is happening at my house. I know the holidays are important and such an integral part of family life - but really...it's basically just a time for me to lose track of what day of the week it is and often, pray for school to start again!
I was happy to see my kids jump right back into the thick of things - bringing homework home on day one of going back...that's what I like to see. However, it underlined, yet again, that DS2 is falling behind. I'm back to fighting the good fight. I went to see the principal where I was told that it's good for a parent to 'let their child fail' - to which I replied:

GREAT - NOW TELL SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY FAIL HIM!!!!!!!

There was no response. It seems that to leave no child behind means that no child has to learn what should be learned. I'm frustrated. I look at his work and wonder how he's 'average'? I was also told (in 'school talk') that I had expectations that were too high for him. This was after I pointed out that not one week this year has he copied his 15 spelling words from the board to his planner correctly. Not once. Often they are so mispelled that I can't even decipher what word it might be. So, the answer seems to be to set the bar lower...maybe he can only be responsible for writing 10 words correctly...and I should, apparently, share these lowered expectations with him.

Yes, I know that parenting a child with 'special needs' is different - but I do not agree with lowering the bar to the level he wants to achieve. I just wonder when it became wrong to want your child to succeed. The principal seemed to think that I was talking about this behind DS2's back...NOPE. We are honest with him - he knows what we expect. We give him great kudos for doing his best - which is not A's all the time - and that is just fine. Seriously. I just want him to learn to achieve...something...anything. Instead he sits at the bar and tells me "I just have to turn in the paper. It doesn't matter at all if any of them are right".

I can't argue with that because it's true. He's been turning in blatantly wrong homework all year and NOT ONCE has anyone but me noticed. It gets stamped "practice" and sent back home. So, how do I sell that to him? How do I convince him that it's important to do your best when no one else seems to care? How?

Egads...I sound like a negative Nelly. I don't like that.

So, the good is that DD started a new dance class and really liked it - so she's tumbling and dancing through the rest of winter/spring - highly anticipating her first season of competitive softball coming in August. DS2 is ready for his winter indoor flag football league and upcoming track season and DS1 is playing basketball, slightly overlapping the start of his last baseball season before trying out for high school. AND - we registered for middle school for DS2 and high school registration is next week for DS1. See...so much fun...and weirdly, I'm a little sad to see it all going so fast.

We are debating our options for DS2 right now. DH and I are supporting each other through this. The goal is to find a school environment that will give him more one on one instruction, hold him more accountable and give him one more year to gain maturity (really, I am not excited about the concept of him in a locker room with 50 boys that are heads taller than him...not worried about him...worried for THEM)...that means public middle school is not the best option and we know that. We'll figure it out and have some things percolating! At least there is something out there...I just have to find it!

Oh, what a lovely eye you have...

2009-12-30T16:09:00.001-08:00

Christmas is over and we are home from family in Missouri. The good stuff is what I'm choosing to remember and dwell on...I got to see family that I rarely see...I got to see my grandparents and due to a snow storm got to spend more time with them than I expected...I got to see dear friends that I rarely get to see in person...I got to see my husband supporting me through the stuff that happens everytime I go home.
Sadly, I find myself saying the same thing that I say every year - "Why do I go home for this?"...our adoption is still not a favorite topic in my family...and heaven forbid I try to speak honestly about issues we are going through. Apparently, everyone in life changes - except me. I must still be the exact same person I was 25+ years ago...because no one credits me for anything positive. Why, as children, do we feel that we have to hang on? It's hard to let a parent go...you know. I should be a pro - I've done it with one parent...oh well...it's just sad.
I looked into my future and hoped for more brilliant times with my children when they are grown. Who knows?

DD didn't have a great Christmas - poor baby. She had nothing on her list that we allow...and she doesn't play with toys - so our options were limited. Of course, she was disappointed to not get all the swag she thought she'd get and was tired of the things she did get in about 10 minutes. I do, honestly, feel so badly for her...I want her to play and enjoy life. However, DS2 did awesome - he can keep himself busy and really loved his gifts - ESPECIALLY his iPod! And DS1 really acted remotely polite during all our visiting with folks. That's a gift in itself!

I hope that each and every one of you had a GREAT holiday...with love and happiness surrounding you (or at least no blood and major tears)! Welcome in 2010...I'm excited to do so with friends and kids. I even bought the 2010 glasses...because really...it's the last year for those for awhile, right? How do you find a place for 2 eye holes in 2011...or 2012...maybe in 2013, they'll make the bottom of the 3 have a hole...but there is a limit to where you can put eyeholes, I would think. So, unless you are a cyclops - buy the 2010 glasses NOW!

really...you?

2009-12-18T11:03:00.001-08:00

What is it that happens to a kid somewhere around month 156 of their existence? You know they turn 13 and an alien takes over their brain or at least their mouth. I've only been the mother of a teen for 3 months...and I hate it. Generally and specifically...I don't like it one bit.

He just stood in my kitchen and yelled at me - more like screamed...through tears and the whole bit. Very uncool in my opinion. He is mad. That pretty much sums it up. He's just mad. I had to explain to him that our house isn't a democracy - I am the authoratative ruler and sometimes I let DH sit on the throne. But, him? Nope...no throne for him. And, we don't have princes or princesses either...just me - the Queen.

While he was screaming at me - he was telling me how much I scream at him. Hmmmm...interesting theory. Patently false - unless you count when I have to scream at him up the stairs to simply get him to eat or leave or anything else. His room is like a superhero's hang-0ut - totally soundproof...however, the door can come off the hinges and that might be next.

I could write a list of all the other terrible things I've done. Number one being (I swear this is his words)
"I could go in a five mile radius and not find a single other parent who asks their kids about their social lives. You want to know who my friends are and who I'm 'dating' and you ask me at least once every three days. NO ONE else does that to their kids. NO ONE."

Perhaps I should post his email here so that you other parents of teens can reply and let him know that actually - I'm not the only one. I think every three days is even pushing it a bit...but I always thought it showed I cared. I'll have to remember this when I decide to pull his hair out at the root to drug test him - that pesky chatting would have stemmed the tide that might lead there.

On a serious note he told me he feels depressed. With my bi-polar I do worry about that. I wonder if it could be sneaking in...I know I had 'it' in my teens. So, perhaps another doctor is about to enter our world.

During his tirade he told me I'm a very unhappy person - ME. Come on now...I actually am feeling pretty darn positive lately. I sing Christmas carols (loudly and off key), I laugh about things that used to make me cry and I still love all my children - some days that is the biggest hurdle to climb!!! So, I told him if he thinks I'm unhappy now - just imagine what a great mood I'll be in after being yelled at by a 13 year old.

is this the up or the down?

2009-12-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

As is well known around here...life is a constant up and down. Generally if one kid is 'up', the other is 'down'. I must say we've had a very downward slide lately - and quite honestly, it's been all three kids.
Things have happened around here that I never expected - and wow...you would think I couldn't be surprised by much anymore. DS2 and DD coordinated a strange 'attack' on my dog the other night...there are a lot more details - but it just wasn't good. Max is fine...although perhaps emotionally scarred. We've got new standards in place to keep children and dogs separated. My poor dogs can't figure out why they can't go upstairs anymore...
There were two days of complete shock and awe around here. Tempers flare - not at the kids...in fact, it's been creepily quiet - mostly because I just have nothing to say. Tempers are directed at DH and me...we get angry with each other. Although that's not true...we are just angry at where we are sometimes. Every time we say, "I just never thought this would happen", I feel like it's a jinx - a way of asking for another much BIGGER shoe to drop.

However, we sat down in our quiet house and really talked. We opened up about what we can still handle and what we can't. We cleaned up our holiday business deciding what was still on and what might need to be off. I shared my frustration at the fact that when we have to clamp down tighter - it generally means me missing things I was looking forward to. I don't like the idea of losing my own life because of their choices...but hey, I don't like the idea of doing much with them either.

We came up with a plan - which mainly consists of no more talking. Lecturing, yelling, making deals, setting expectations...none of it works. We have to take what we've learned in attachment therapy and apply it. We have to find out what avenues are available to us and be honest about what we can still 'do' for our kids. In NO WAY am I saying we are giving up - but there is an obvious need for a break...

Answers aren't easy to come by - but I sure am glad we are looking for them together.

Then, the up...my kids are suddenly REALLY polite when they realize just how busted they are...and it feels rather good since this time - I didn't even open my mouth.

Strict-ly speaking

2009-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

I'm in the holiday spirit this year...which means I got everything done really early...therefore, I have nothing left to do. Tends to bring out the shopper in me. Bad.
So, I'm even staying away from the stores...otherwise my children would get spoiled and sometimes I already feel they are.

I was talking with my grandma yesterday and I mentioned that DD thinks we are quite strict. My grandma says "well, you are much stricter than most parents". I'm just wondering who, exactly, she is comparing me to? I want my kids to grow up to be respectable adults...so I don't let them get away with things now that won't benefit them in the future. See, I don't call that strict. However, I realize that I don't match up with many other parents out there in the world. When I take my kids places - they sit and pay attention...well, I guess I can't force the attention part - but they fake it well.

We went to a basketball game (NBA) the other day - in fact it was on our four year family day. As I've said before - DH and I are huge sports fans...really get into certain teams and are huge fans of our hometown bball team. The kids are 'fans'...watch when it's on...know the player's names - but not overly so. Anyway, went to the game and DD couldn't sit still. I took her up to walk around the arena once and then made it clear that cheering was great - dancing during breaks was cool, but wiggling in your seat was not. Strict? Once she had a treat, she settled in and eventually got tired. I will admit, it was a VERY boring game. We got up by over 20 within the 1st quarter and well...it didn't get any closer.

So...we are heading home for the holidays...the ACTUAL holidays. In years past, we go for 3 days either before or after Christmas. This year we are going for 7 days - over Christmas. And, now I know that they think I'm too strict. So, I could go one of three ways...really lay off and let my kids run wild and pay for it for weeks afterward...or tighten down even moreso and really give the family something to talk about...or three - just be me. Just be the family we always are. I gotta say that my kids know us...they know what they can and can't do and they know the results will be the same every time. I am not ashamed of that. So STRICT is now a title I'll wear proudly!

What am I Thankful for?

2009-11-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm taking part in the fourth blog 'carnival' at Grown in My Heart (www.growninmyheart.com). The topic is "what are you thankful for?"...if you'd like to join in - go to http://www.growninmyheart.com/adoption-carnival-iv-what-are-you-thankful-for and link up - or just check out what others from the triad have to say.

What am I THANKFUL for?
Boy, this question sure can be tinted by the most recent events in our lives, can’t it? Here is my list – based on where we are right now…
1. I’m thankful that I decided to take part of my life back. I can control my health and my attitude about life and I should have never let someone else – even my children – take over those parts of my life. I’ve lost some weight and go to the gym…even when I should be doing laundry. I figured out that the house will still be standing if there is dust on the tables or dishes to be unloaded…but honestly, I may not if I don’t do this for me now. I’m thankful that I’ve actually done it for over a month now…
2. I’m thankful for finding a med that works for my daughter. We’ve been at a bleak place with her – even considering in-patient treatment. Day 8 of risperdal rolled around and she is a different child. I’ve joked for a long time about there being a golden pill…and I’m not putting all my eggs in this one basket…but when every member of our family notices and comments on her happiness (which we sadly haven’t seen…maybe ever) – it’s making a difference.
3. I’m thankful for my marriage. Even when stress is high and one, or both, of us let off steam at each other…I’m thankful that we’ve stayed through it all. I’m thankful that we can joke about days that might break someone else – or might break us if we weren’t together.
4. I’m thankful that my oldest son is blazing a path to high school. Thankful may not be the right word…since I’m feeling the strain of letting go in that fashion. However, I’m touched daily to see his growth into a young man…when I see a light of life in his eyes and a spirit of determination – I’m so proud it fills me up. When I see the typical teenage angst and maybe not wanting to work as hard as I hope he will…I’m still thankful – because that is normal…and I crave normal!
5. I’m thankful for having a best friend at my age. I remember what a best friend was in school…the person you laughed with, cried with and hung out with whenever you could. I still have that. Through the miracle of where we built our houses – we met. This woman is my strength on days I don’t have any. She is my confidant about the deepest parts of my soul. We have fun together and think of each other. She brings me grapes from the store while I’m dieting…so I don’t head for the chips! She doesn’t have big connections to adoption or RAD…and that helps it all work. She is an advocate for my children at their school when I can’t be there. She loves my family – as I love hers…and if I could have chosen another sister in this world – it would be her.

Four years old

2009-11-24T06:59:00.001-08:00

We are four years old...four years as a family of five. Let me tell you something I've learned in the last four years (and shockingly, this will not have to do with RAD).
***The world is not made for families of five****

Come on now - go to a restaurant and look around. Lots of tables for 2 and lots of tables for 4...then the 'big party' tables...you know 6 or 8 people. They like to stick 5 people at a table for 4 with a chair on the end. Then you bumb knees throughout the meal - plus you have a child sticking out in the aisle and making it hard for people to pass. They don't want to give you the table for 6 - you have THREE KIDS...that bill won't be big enough to tie up that table and when you ask for it - they look a little shocked!
Don't even get me started on 'family packs' - which are always for a family of four. I'm looking forward to the census in 2010...maybe it will be proven that 4 is not the only number for a family. Vacation deals are for four - two adults and two kids...game night deals are for 4...buying season passes to amusement parks? FOUR. And...can you add another one at a discounted rate...Nope. Blank stares when you ask.
Five seats together on a crowded flight - ha. Maybe two here and two there and then a floater. You all know that putting two kids together on a flight of more than 30 minutes would be woeful...so a kid ends up sitting alone.

So, here is to the family of five (or three or seven or nine...I think all uneven numbers are unfairly treated)...those strange oddities that struggle to survive in today's 4 packs of chicken breasts and 6 packs of cookies (what to do with the last one?)!

If you'd like to read my more 'sappy' ode to four years...here it is!

November 24, 2005 was a snowy and dreary day in Kemerovo, Russia. In the U.S., families were gathered around tables of traditional food, celebrating Thanksgiving. After court, we became a family of five and rushed right off to pick up our new daughter and son at their respective orphanages. By 9:00 that night, we were sitting in World Pizza having our Thanksgiving meal.
It’s been four years since that long ago memory or a crazy day. These little strangers have become our children. It’s been a long and winding road…
Things never did become the Hallmark movie of the week and I kept waiting. My children were hurt, battered (in mind, spirit and body) and scared. While they showed excitement for all things new and shiny, they had a battle going on inside them. Our oldest son wanted to have instant brother/sister bonds and he may have been the first to realize that “family” was a totally foreign concept to our new children. We overdid Christmas that year – wanting so badly to show them love through the things we could offer them…because at that point, they would not accept hugs or physical affection. That served only to backfire. The toys were broken within hours and the break from school was anything but peaceful.
They learned language quickly and attended school within weeks. There were minor issues at school…but the trouble seemed to brew over at home. I wasn’t a real loving mom…I was in survival mode and my husband probably wanted to hide in a hole somewhere. He told me over and over that he lost me on November 24…and he wanted me back. But, I already knew…I might be gone for a long time.
It was 18 long months before I was able to admit how much help we needed. My children were unable to bond to us…and I wasn’t doing so well in return. They were physically violent to me and to others. Food was a constant issue for DD and being told no about anything sent DS2 into rages. I had read about RAD and just kept thinking it couldn’t happen to us – and it definitely could NOT happen twice. Those are crazy odds. But, it did.
We’ve gotten help…and we are slowly moving forward. Learning about the nuances of healing tiny hearts and souls is a incredibly draining process and our family has suffered immense loss to add to the loss my children felt from their past. I alternated between misery and anger, right along with them. Being told that my daughter sincerely felt that to love me meant she would die…not just literally…but 100% truly…was one of the most changing moments of my life.
I learned so many things about the little people hidden underneath the layers of pain. My son is a fabulous artist. He’s creative and willing to spend quality time making his thoughts become reality. He has built some of the most fantastic things out of trash…cars for his action figures are a favorite. His academic struggles are not behind him – they may always be with him – but he is slowly accepting help and learning to work with the abilities he has. He hopes to be a CIA agent someday and knows the path he must take to achieve that goal (which, by the way, he’s stuck with for over 3 years). Quick to make new friends, he seems happy with his social life. He shares my love of watching HGTV and seems to see that his creative abilities could be used in many avenues!
Little daughter is not quite so little anymore. She has shown such a talent for tumbling and cheerleading and seems to be that type of person in life…always boisterous and ready to cheer others on. She has multiple abilities in academia…shocking everyone with her grades right away. This year she scored perfect on the state testing in Vocabulary…only speaking English for about 3.5 years. Amazing! She is independent, but understanding of boundaries most of the time. Her sense of humor is wicked and she’s willing to make you laugh, no matter what! While we’ve had a desperate struggle lately, I can say that a new medication she is on seems to be a golden ticket. She is calmer and able to focus and has been able to relate interpersonally with us for the first time in years.
We are growing on the healing path. I continue to have faith that my children can create a life so close to normal, that maybe they won’t know it’s not. I pray to use the years I have left with them (where did the time go…they are 11 and in 6th grade and 10 and in 4th grade already) to move closer in all realms. Teaching them to love without fear and to release control to safe people around you is our daily goal. Every time I see movement in that direction…I know it’s going to be OK.
I made a decision on October 25 of this year – I choose my attitude. I shared it with my children. We choose each and every day how to wake up, how to live each hour of that given day and how to show others our feelings. We choose whether to love or hate, whether to cry or laugh, whether to give up or show up…and I’m picking LOVE, LAUGH and SHOW UP. They can choose that with me or they won’t. Either way…I’m hoping to pull them with me…into our futures together!

It's finally kicking in

2009-11-21T19:47:00.001-08:00

My fabulous parenting skills have won today...or MAYBE it's the risperdal? We are on day 8 of the new med for DD and I have to say that today was totally and completely normal. NOT our normal...but real, family living a standard life - normal. She's been contained (meaning not falling down, yelling...knashing teeth, throwing fits, saying mean things...) and played nicely on her own for a while. She did things with us and didn't try to ruin it every second. She watched a movie - a WHOLE movie...and actually sat there. No major wiggling...no blurting out of comments totally unrelated to the movie.
I looked at DH tonight and said "do you feel normal?" - of course, it's not normal for us...but I sure would like it if it could become so.

Not getting my hopes up too high...but pretty pleased with just getting a one day break and hoping that maybe more could come???

2009-11-19T07:31:00.001-08:00

There is a fine line somewhere in the sand and I'm digging around trying to find it. Honestly, I've probably covered it up in the destruction I've left behind. Here is my question/dilema:
If I'm supposed to parent my children in a non-emotional manner - YET - I'm also supposed to teach them how to show emotion in a correct way...aren't those blatant opposites?

My kids' attachment therapist has consistently told me to model good emotional choices - like crying when I watch something sad in a movie (in fact, we purposely watch sad movies to work on emotional reactions)...explaining all the while what made me sad, why my body reacts with tears and sadness. However...when my own children hurt me - I'm supposed to NOT show emotion. That is beginning to make no sense to me. Why should I hide that I'm hurt by them and their action towards me?
Yes...I get it. If I show them I'm hurt, they are 'winning' the control battle. There are just sometimes that I wish, I hope, that letting them win will also mean they break through just a little bit. It's still hard - all this time later - to realize that I live with kids who want to see me hurt...they like to see me sad. The weirdest part is that when I cry after a bad interaction with them, I'm usually crying FOR them. I feel so badly for the hurt they are going through that got them to this point...I feel so badly for them that I'm apparently not helping - or not helping enough.
I just want them to be happy...but be able to show emotions that fit the situation.

Last night I attending a meeting with DS1 about advanced placement at high school. The opportunities there are AMAZING. I sat in disbelief that we've gotten this far and trying to measure how much I would/should be involved in helping him choose his path. Not that I would force him to choose a certain 'career'...but I don't see a 13 year old boy real motivated to take a class with extra homework. He can't see far enough in the future to want to take that path. So, DH and I will admitedly give him a shove and hope for the best.

I guess that's all I can do with all my children - shove them in the right direction and be there if they turn around. Maybe I could get a scary mask so turning around would seem worse?

She cut it off

2009-11-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

My daugher cut her hair last night. You know the cute stories about a 3 year old getting gum in his/her hair and giving themselves a haircut - well, this is NOT one of those stories. She is 10.5...closer to 11 than 10. In the world that most people live in...a child that age knows better. There are a million facets to this story...just a few:
*Three days ago she was twirling her hair around a comb and I pointed out that the comb could easily get stuck in her hair and she should stop.
*Yesterday she lost 'time' for all kinds of things and therefore went to bed early...apparently not actually to bed...
*She snuck out of her room and got the scissors (that I've been remembering to hide until last night) and did this deed - AFTER getting that exact comb wrapped and stuck in her hair.
*She left the scissors in the middle of the hall and when no one 'found' them...she came out and pointed them out to DH...(that's a story for different day)
*She shoved all the hair she cut into the air vent in her room...wonder what else has gone down there
*AND drumroll please....she came down this morning and told me she had slept funny and that is why her hair looked that way

YES - 3 inch bald spot...another good 5 inch circle of craziness that sticks straight up. OMG.

I didn't do bad this morning with my reaction - but I wasn't spot on either. I cried...I thought I was alone. I cried because I'm sad for her...yet another reason to look weird to all the kids at school...yet another reason to be different...yet another way to take a jab at the people that love her. I, however, wasn't alone. She popped out and laughed at me for crying.
Fun.

So, she's at school with all that insanity on her head. Her teacher was going to announce it at morning announcements - in order to take the power from her (and the story I'm sure she would tell would involve me screaming with scissors in my hand). This morning DS2 tells me (as we are gathering all scissors and sharp objects) that she held scissors pointed toward her stomach yesterday and said she was going to stab herself...and bleed.

So...we are left with few options. DH is buying a door alarm today on his lunch break - that's not something you hope to do anytime in life. We'll get her room alarmed before bed tonight. Her room is stripped down to bed with bedding and furniture...nothing else (oh, I left the clothes, but took out hard soled shoes). I've got a call in to the psych to find out more about the in-patient program he recommended and I've spent some time coming to terms with what all this means: for her, for us as a family...for her life. Try not to look too far ahead - what my therapist always tells me. Right now, it's tough to look to tomorrow...and hope that my DD has a lot of those.

cleanest junk ever

2009-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

I have the cleanest junk drawer ever...ok, maybe not ever, but it's pretty clean. I got on a bit of a fall/winter cleaning - more like organizing - kick this weekend. I think I've gone through every spot in my house that had the least bit of disorganization and now...ahhhhh...
I got into the storage room today. It's one impressive space. Now...my kids helped. Not necessarily out of the kindness of their hearts, but out of the inability to make good choices. I'll tell you what...having little souls that can't, for the life of themselves, make a good choice and continue to end up spending extra time with mommy...well, it makes for a little less work. I ended up with tons of extra space (how many shoes boxes does one family need to keep?) and a feeling of complete satisfaction!
DD has been a little upset with me. Mainly because my attitude is better and that makes her really mad. So, she wrote me a little love note tonight and made sure to leave it out exactly where she knows I would be in her room. The sweetness:
I hate Mommy.
I hate my mother.
Kill, kill, kill.

Now, I'm not actually scared. After I went in and came out...she ran to me expecting me to 'yell' at her for the note...I gave her a hug and asked how she is feeling. That didn't please her. She even asked if I'd been in her room to look at her school clothes (where she left the note). I said yep and walked off, offering for her to join me in helping Dad with a job he was working on. Ha!

Last night as she meandered to bed - early - by her choice, because she couldn't stand to be with me one more minute...I said "night...see you tomorrow" and she dramatically answered "No, you won't...I'm going to die tonight". Again, I'm not scared. But, it does concern me...obviously. No one wants to hear their child say these things. Honestly, most kids who are really going to do severe harm to themselves or someone else DON'T talk about it...so her obsessive discussion about it relaxes me a bit. Not that I'm sitting on my haunches and thinking all is great. I've made these concerns known to the doc and therapist. And doc says...

How about an in-patient program? Yes...I know it's a possibility...but no, I'm not ready for that yet. I just wonder how she would ever gain trust if we do that. So, now I've had a doc tell me to put her in a 'program' and a therapist remind me to get her the birth control shot when she starts her 'womanly time'. AAAAHHHHH...the good life.

At least my junk is clean!

2009-11-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

I could feel the hot flush in my face...I felt a little manic. I was talking fast and interupting and I knew it...but I couldn't stop. I wanted them to GET IT...I wanted them to FIX IT. I didn't want to leave without an answer - maybe even wrapped up with a bow. This was my visit to my children's psychiatrist yesterday.
Heck, I share our story with everyone and anyone who might remotely want to listen. But, I knew this mattered more. The meds they're on aren't working...in fact, maybe backfiring and I didn't want to go home and give those to them one more day. If we can't get it right, I just want to go back to before. I'll go back to pretending it's not RAD and they can go back to chaos. Not that they ever left that land.
They sorta got it. They won't make the diagnosis I'm expecting will be made someday - bipolar for DD. As a bipolar adult, I can see it...it's different than mine...but there, none-the-less. They won't name it. They admit it's probably true...but they can't really treat it. It's a frustrating process. Again. I just want to take her off everything and wait until they will. But, I was an untreated child and remember wanting desperately for someone to try to help me. So, I'm trying to help her.
Today I told DS2 that he was arguing with me a lot...and he argued back "NO - I'm NOT"...he didn't get the irony.

The furniture man will...

2009-10-31T06:47:00.000-07:00

Take me home. Ahhhh....yes. I will admit the salesman at the furniture store yesterday was a little weird. Who looks at a family with three tweens/teens and says "who is the nicest kid in this family?" That is a strange question and I've heard a lot of them. Well...he pointed straight at DD and says "I bet she is because she is so darn cute...those boys look like little devils". WHAT??? So, since DS2 was/is having a great streak - I said "actually, DS2 is doing a wonderful job of being polite, DD is struggling a bit with the truth, which makes her not as nice and well, DS1 is a teenager and very quiet. They are all great kids in their own way and we try not to measure them against one another."
It didn't stop. As we were sitting down to work out the final prices for what I wanted (it took a little while) - he kept looking at DD and saying things like "You must be such a fun little girl to have around"..."You look so special"...I started thinking - ummmm...child molester? He wasn't doing this to either boy. It was weird. I held her on my lap (let me also add that her time in the store was filled with name calling to me and her brothers and lying...but never in front of her new bestest buddy) and kept her close. She was wanting to wander to other desks and did at one point get another salesman to ask her math facts and use his calculator to impress him with her skills.
After we left (on the way out he complimented all three of my kids for being so 'good'), she gets in the car and says "whatever you think, I can always look good...that furniture man would take me home today".
She is playing all of this like a fiddle...I will give her this big compliment (probably very back handedly) - she is smarter than me on even a good day at figuring out how to take a bad moment and turn it to her advantage!

By the way - I hope you all have a great and safe Halloween. I hope all the ghouls, goblins and little princesses or frogs get great candy (and you can hide it quickly) and enjoy their 'scary' night out!

End of snow day 1

2009-10-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yes...school is out again tomorrow. Snow day one ended for DD like this. I was having her help me with fun stuff. We are hosting our friends for a game day tomorrow and I want to make it cool...so we were making score cards and different game stations to rotate through. She was cutting papers slips for folks to write down their charades topics. Then...this:
Me: Why is this napkin here? (...I must admit that as soon as why came out of my mouth I knew it would end badly. I hate that I still do that...especially since I knew the answer.)
Her: I have no idea. (I knew that she had spilled the napkins earlier during dinner and probably just missed one...I knew that she knew that, too.)
Me: Really?
Her: If you want me to tell the truth, you have to tell me that every time. You know how sometimes when you ask me something you say, the truth is the only option, tell it the first time. Well, if you don't say that, then I think I can lie. It's your fault I lied just now.
Me: Go to bed.

Oh my...she really does find a way to blame everything on me. I'm so terrible, how could I not remind her to be honest about a stupid freakin' napkin??????

Can't wait for snow day 2. She won't be at game day...

Snow day

2009-10-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

Not kidding...my kids are out of school today and I'm guessing tomorrow. It started snowing last night and hasn't let up - supposed to keep snowing heavily until 6pm Thursday. It's the first time schools have ever closed since we've lived here (7 years). We have about 12 - 14" now and expect another 10-18" before the storm is done.
The day went pretty well. DD really hates missing school...I think she thought I was just keeping her home to be mean. They played in the snow a lot (of course I had to pay DS1 to take DD) with the neighbors. We played some games.
Tomorrow may be a little tougher...they'll get bored at that point! I just love the snow. I really do. Not sure I love it so much on October 28...but I love it!

I fought RAD and the RAD won

2009-10-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. Seven days in the paradise of the tropics and I returned feeling more stressed and tired than I've felt in a long time. I've decided I am REALLY thankful for school. DD for 24/7 is a battle I just can't win anymore. Don't worry...I'll rally...but vacation was not fun.
Her control battle was raging. If we said "sit there" - she'd sit in any other chair but the one we pointed out. If we said "we are going to the pool" - she'd head to the beach. But, probably the worst part of it was her false allegations - ON VACATION. She told strangers that we hurt her. Everytime I took her hand or scooted her over - she'd scream "OW you are hurting me" - at lunch, at the show, at the beach, at the airport, on the freakin' plane. It didn't matter...she wanted me to go down in flames.
DH doesn't always see all of this. Even I have to admit that it was at it's worst on the trip.
The boys were not good either. DS2 went for a lie record each and every day and DS1 was just mean to everyone. We probably looked like a load of fun. Crazed daughter (the look in her eye half the time was literally crazed)...angry sons and tired, dejected parents. Up to this point, vacations had been a bright spot - they were good travelers. I plan on never vacationing again...at least not with children.

The one time plea

2009-10-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

I just want ONE TIME where my children don't try to ruin something normal. Honestly, just one right now would make me have renewed hope. At the orthodontist yesterday DD ran into the X-ray machine...the huge panoramic one that hangs down from the ceiling. The one that is big enough for ME to stand INSIDE it. What's morose about this is that as she was walking back DS1 turned to me and said, "I bet she'll run into the X-ray machine". Why do we have to know those things? Shouldn't an 'accident' be just that - surprising.
After she ran into it, the tech started rubbing her head and walked her back to me and said (at least 5 times) 'What a sweetie, she just didn't see it and ran smack into it'. Ay Carumba! That puts me back in the position of crazy person. Do I go along and say "oh, poor you" and rub her head - thereby she knows that I caved to not look stupid? Or do I do what I did...I looked at DD and then at the tech and said "that's not shocking, she runs into lots of things, it gets lots of attention, huh?"
Then, of course...I get the looks of crazy, mean mom. I don't want to hand out articles on RAD or even ask anymore people on the outskirts of our lives if they know what RAD is. I just want to live our reality and hope for JUST ONE TIME that this doesn't come up.

On a somewhat comical note: The orthodontist looked at DS2 first and we talked about making some room by pulling teeth and he commented that we had a long road there. (DS1 is already in braces) Then, he flips to DDs x-rays and says "holy moly...DS2 will be easy" and smiles. We have a long toothy road ahead!

looking back without falling over

2009-10-10T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about some bad times. I try not to go there in my mind too much. But, there are moments when I need to remember. See, if I remember how bad it's been, then I can realize how far we've come. Where it fails me is that I am a person that tends to fall into myself. Maybe it's the bi-polar, or just who I am...but I have trouble simply remembering and not re-living.
Strange then that is what my children go through also. Their memories are places to fall into, you know? How do you remember something terrible and not feel the pain in real time? How can a child know that the people who should have protected them, failed them miserably and then look at us and think "oh yeah, they'll do better"? Why would they believe that?

Friday night we went to some haunted houses. I'm a huge wimp...HUGE...I don't watch horror movies or even relatively scary ones. I made the mistake of watching the Ring and basically didn't sleep for months afterward - and I was in my 30s. I still freak out if my TV goes to static - years later. So, I had to be aware of my reactions. These were 'tame' haunted houses at a local amusement park. Approved for all ages and we went with five kids...just DH and I and all that child hood excitement. House #1 - we lost one kid in about 30 seconds. Quick emergency exit...but the rest of us held on. It's easier when you realize it's only teenagers dressed up in costumes. We laughed a lot and at one point I actually picked DS1 up and ran forward with him...he seemed a little stuck. As we walked to house #2 - the legend of "bloody mary" came up. I remembered being terrified by that story as a child. We walk into the opening room of house #2 and the speaker says "Bloody Mary welcomes you..." - three kids bolted back out. What are the odds??? The other four of us went through what was a LONG haunted house and we were followed the WHOLE way by a man with a bullet sticking out of his head. It became a joke "look out, there's bullet head"...but, he wouldn't go away...he was everywhere.

Why am I telling you this? Well, besides the fact that I am still laughing about the fact that I finally did it as an 'old' lady...I realized that bullet head is much like life. It's always following you with it's gaping wounds bleeding out. The bad parts are sometimes more 'out there' than the good parts.

At the end of house #2 - we were all running out through these camo colored nets with people jumping out at us. A net got dropped on my face and ripped my hoop earring out. I turned around and THERE was bullet head...I looked right at him and said "help, I lost my earring"...he bent down, picked it up, handed it to me and said "BOO". See...even the goriest moments have a silver lining!

do you know anyone?

2009-10-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

I am genuinely putting this out there to my small group of readers hoping that a connection can be made. Not starting a debate...you either get it, or you don't. But, there is a family equipped to help out there somewhere...I have to believe that!

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

Names, names, names - join the carnival

2009-10-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

Grown in my Heart is having their second blog carnival. It's a wide open topic this month: Names. Anything about them. Go here to jump in: http://www.growninmyheart.com/adoption-carnival-ii-names
Also, check out the newsletter now available over at GIMH - Surviving the Holidays!

Now, on to the names!!!

Our children got new names along with a new country, new family, new food, new smells, new home – pretty much new everything. Honestly, that was part of our reason for doing it. The one extra change was taken in stride with all the others. But, it goes much deeper than that. Here are a few reasons we changed our children’s name (yes, 100%...new first name, middle name and last name).
o I don’t have a lot of their stories to tell them. I don’t know about the rush to the hospital when their first mother went into labor. I don’t even know if they were born in a hospital. The only stories I do know are sad ones. I wanted a story to tell them about how we prepared for them. I tell them often of choosing a list of names I loved for each of them. That list was based on a premise that matched with our oldest son’s name. I can tell them about their brother looking over the list and weeding out a few names that he didn’t think was either ‘cute’ or ‘manly’ enough. I can tell them about the exact dinner we ate the night we showed the list to Dad and some of his funny comments about names that eventually dropped off the list. I know where these names come from – our hearts and souls and it’s something we gave them…it was part of our nesting.
o Many children in Russian orphanages are not called by their birth names. There may be 20 Vladimirs and therefore each one becomes a pet name of their own. Some children don’t even know their birth names after living in the orphanage for a length of time. Bringing them home and calling them by the name on their birth certificate would be the same as calling them by a new family chosen name to them. My daughter did not know her name (hadn’t even been called it in her first family) and when we mentioned it to her one day she argued that it wasn’t her name. Our son did know his name and had learned to spell it – but was not called that as far as he can remember…again, a pet version was what he knew.
o When we had to fill out the papers for new birth certificates, we did not know our children’s names. It was a strange glitch that happened after we lost our first two referrals. So, we had to pick blind. Either check the box stating “Leave names as current” or “change names to XXX”. There are simply some Russian names that I am not in love with and that don’t ‘translate’ all that well. We found out later that our son was Andrei and our daughter was Anastasia (btw, that name is not pronounced like the Disney movie and the chances of anyone ever saying it right were slim to none). Had fears of Igor…honestly…
o The day we told our daughter (through the interpreter) what her new name would be she replied (in a dramatic fashion that we now know and love) “It’s like a choir of angels singing when I hear that name”. She remembers saying that and she still loves her name. And fittingly, she is that name -perfectly. People who don’t know our adoption story have said “wow, she must have just looked like a XXX when she was born”. She embodies it perfectly. She’s proud of her name!
o When we told our son his new name, he asked how to write it in English and he continued to write it for a long time. I have the notebook he carried on the 14 hour flight home. He filled nearly every page with his name – first, middle, last – over and over. Never tired of it. In Moscow, he walked up to a hotel maid and spoke to her in Russian. While I could not understand most of what was said I did get “my name is now XXX and this mama and papa chose that for me”. In her broken English she said “a beautiful name for a wonderful boy…you are all blessed”. I remember that still.
o When we met our first referrals, we chose names for those children. After losing them, we didn’t simply ‘recycle’ the names. Those names belonged to those children – and we still talk about them now using those names. We pray for them and all our children discuss them from time to time as lost family that we no longer see. It wasn’t about ownership when we chose new names – it was about inclusion…again, about the story being a happy one.
I’ve chosen to not use my kids’ names here in public forums. I want them to have a modicum of privacy. But, it makes me sad. Their names and their being have become one. They are Russian – new names did not, would not, could not, take that away. They can move through life and choose who to tell their stories to and that, also, was part of our decision to rename.

Have I just forgotten him?

2009-09-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

DS1 is struggling. Yes, he's a teenager and I did know it was coming...but I think I've turned a blind eye to a lot that's been going on. Sometimes my plate is just so full with RAD that I assumed he'd get through it. Of course, I ask him questions and try to stay close and available, but lately, he's been pushing away and I let him.
Today he came home from school with scratches on his neck. The story is really unimportant - he was hurt by a kid at school...but hazy is the fact that he started it. His anger is boiling over. When I tried asking about it and looking at it, I was told that I was being stupid and it's no big deal - definitely NOT a fight! Anything that ends in physical injury is a fight to me. I tried to talk, he interupted - because he is smarter than me. I was calm, but hurt. I cried. He eventually told me that he is a bad person because I'm a bad person and he has no one to look up to. He went on to say that he hates living here...hates the stress...hates living with people who constantly are in a state of awareness. There is no relaxation here. He said I'm a bad parent because I haven't been able to make them better.

I have let him down too.

jump on the mania merry go round

2009-09-24T17:17:00.001-07:00

For today, it is DD riding high...but I don't doubt that I'll wake tomorrow with my own level of mania. It seems that I always have a high (not the good kind) after a tough few days with her. We had therapy yesterday and I figured out a few things. One: therapy first thing in the morning does not, in fact, make it easier - it just gives it a chance to ruin the rest of my day and gives her time to figure out a way to make our evening even MORE fun than usual. Two: I believe she is coming to terms with some things - I just wish I could weed out the real from the fabricated. On the way to our appointment she announces that she misses her birth family. Honestly, she's never said that before. She comments on them and compares me to them (I always lose somehow)...but missing has not come up. I wanted to build on it - why am I always driving when this deeper stuff comes up - in snow, in the mountains...my concentration was lacking on our conversation. So, I told her that honestly and by the time I was able to re-address - she's decided it didn't matter. Crap...
Three: She does not like Super X, our therapist. She threw his pillows and got angry and humphed and hawed and basically therapy talked him until we were all blue in the face. She's already too good at therapy - she knows what to say. Four: She'll now lie about me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Let's see - I don't feed her all the time (she could remember one time that she supposedly didn't have dinner...I do not remember that time) - I hit her with a paddle EVERY day (I'll admit there is a paddle at my house...and it has come out as a scare tactic and she and her brothers were caught spanking each other to see what it felt like...) Alas, I laughed and she turned and looked me in the eye and said "What?"

So, DS1 is doing comparative writing right now in class. His analysis are at a higher level, but when we were driving and DS2 and DD were missing reading/writing at school - I asked them to write a comparative paper. We talked about what that meant. (wait, door opening in other room...must go see) Ok, she is not escaping or running away...back to my thoughts! Anyway, I told them to compare two things they knew a lot about. DS2 came up with Russia and America. That was the 'idea' - I expected things like "Russia has old buildings and America has some newer buildings" - "In Russia, I lived in an apartment. In America, I live in a house." Well...they both went a different direction. The best line was "In Russia my mother was never home or when she was she came home drunk. In America, my mother is ALWAYS home and she's usually not drunk when I get off the school bus."
Good to know...pretty sure I don't start drinking that early! That was DDs paper...

DS2 is doing well - really well - in most regards. Our residual issues right now are stupid questions and answering everything with "I don't know". As Super X pointed out - I don't know really means "I don't care to think about what you are asking me right now". We came up with some plans to help him through that and shared the plans with him. Overall though - I am impressed with his attachment right now. That's bigger than most things I've ever said. I actually have been feeling ATTACHMENT from him. Like coming to me for hugs and kisses and offering kind words and deeds without asking. I can honestly say that most of the annoyance is not attachment based and in fact, there is little annoyance in general with sweet boy right now.

Ah, but don't worry - I still have plenty to write because DD-precious girl is on a tear. BTW, she's in pay back mode right now. Wasted about 45 minutes this morning with drama and lies and so, she's cleaning the dog hair off my couch right now. I hate that chore...and I'm selling the couch tomorrow at my garage sale. Can I also say that this garage sale is partially causing the mania in DD? She can't handle any change - no matter how long or short lived. While it is sad, I'm also tired...

What if they read this?

2009-09-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

There was an article here: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=7955014 from KSL.com. I read the article and then went to comments - expecting to see nothing but hate and anger toward this family. I was surprised to see how many RAD parents were out there - and just other folks who got it. It bothered me to read again and again how 'special' the parents are for 'doing this'...I hear that a lot to and NO, I'm not. I didn't go out and TRY to adopt special needs kids. I fell into this head first. That, does not make me more God-like or special...it just makes me a learner. At any rate...there was one comment the ripped the mother because she had admitted (in writing) that she had hated her daughter at times. This commenter wanted to know how she would answer her daughter's questions someday when she sees that - because it's out there for all time.

So is what I say here. My kids know I blog and write for an adoption site. They see me working on my computer and will sometimes ask "are you writing about me?"...they've even commented when they make a bad choice "I bet that will make the blog today". I'm honest with them...they already know pretty much everything I write here. They know that there are sad days and mad days and glad days in our lives. We've discussed that love can live in the background sometimes while anger and yes, even hatred, can seem more out front. They have hated me and I have have hatred towards them. RAD is a hard pill to swallow...you just never know what it's like to live this life, until you do. That is where we are now. Living it and there is no way I know how to live like a liar.

Don't take this that I sit and tell my children daily whether I love them or hate them. I'm not cruel or even living in anger. But, when they've seen me cry (and my gosh, I've become so much more of a cryer than I ever was before RAD), I don't pretend that they didn't play a part. I wonder what will happen if they read this someday - and I will let them if they ask...then I wonder if it will surprise them at all. Much like our daily life - there are good posts, sad posts, funny posts and mad posts...and underneath it all I write about it because I trust that one day - they will be healed and this can be our journal of memories. So, if it's you, my precious children, reading this now...know that I did my best, just as you did and together we found success!

7 good things about today...just because!

2009-09-18T14:06:00.001-07:00

My kids are ALL getting great grades in school and they are proud of it. My middle schooler actually ASKED me to check the parent portal (where I can view gradebooks) and my daughter brought home a whole folder full of As. DS2 is doing his best and I'm proud of that!
Even though I'm sick, I found myself humming today. I got to hang sheets outside to dry (totally illegal in my little HOA hole) and I got to breathe them in as I made clean beds. I love clean beds...it's like a new beginning everytime.
I cuddled my daughter BEFORE school today. She's doing her routine so darn well that she ends up with extra time and I just hugged on her...and she hugged back!
We celebrated my husband's birthday yesterday and sat and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. It was nice.
DS2 achieved greatness in my mind by going on his school trip and having fun without trouble. I'm proud of him and although he's exhausted...he's holding it together and even got up early for running club. That boy can run like the wind and he's getting more into it. I love to see committment in him toward a goal!
I bathed the dogs today. In the shower. With all my clothes on. This is a happy point because the dogs smelled bad and now they don't. And...my shower doesn't have a door and no wet dogs escaped to shake all over my room. I do love my dogs and they are devoted to me...that's nice.
We are hoping to attend a Russian Festival in the city tomorrow. I'm looking really forward to it - I think it's a small event...but honestly, it's the first time the kids have been willing to do anything related to Russia. It's a step and maybe will lead to good conversation - even if it doesn't...I'll get to see cool stuff and maybe buy some more nesting dolls (I didn't get many in Russia)! Really neat if we could meet some other adoptive families!!!

What no one told me about adoption (or I didnt' believe)

2009-09-18T06:21:00.001-07:00

Today the Grown in my Heart blog carnival begins...please read here and then jump in as well. Go to http://www.growninmyheart.com/what-no-one-told-me-about-adoption-carnival-one and click Mr. Linky and get to be next in line. There are so many great lists to read today!

What no one told me about adoption

No one ever told me that a child (who could remember) won't be grateful at all for your love or the life you are giving them. They will continue to feel/see that you took them away from something they didn't want to leave. No matter how bad things were - you could end up being the bad guy in their minds. I didn't want a child full of gratitude for everything - but I hoped and dreamed of a child that was happy with what we could give them and didn't grieve daily for the past painful life.

No one ever told me that I might not love them right away. I had read about attachment on the child's part - but never that MY attachment may not work out. No one told me to talk about it and find support for myself - no one gave me permission to hurt over not feeling what I wanted to feel. Only when I stepped out from complete exhaustion and fear did I hear that SO MANY others go through this too. Call it post-adoption depression or attachment disorder on my end...it's out there big time.

No one told me that physicality could play in. A child's smell or body chemistry can honestly be adverse to what you expected or are used to. Our bodies react to that also.

No one told me I'd meet people in the department of child services and the psych departments at school so that I won't go to jail for my child's false reports!

No one told me that my husband and I could come THIS close to divorce because attachment is so much more strongly placed on the mother and so much harder to understand for the father. I didn't know my marriage could/would suffer so badly.

No one told me that after 30 months - I would get my first spontaneous hug without being asked and then sit in my chair and cry.

No one told me that my daughter would look at me after 3.5 years of being home and say "I can't believe you love me" or that even today (after almost 4 years) she still shrinks away when I go to hug her.

No one told me that the odds of a child from an orphanage having RAD are so high. No one told me that while medical reports are often wrong about physical limitations, they are nearly always wrong about mental/emotional disabilities. They don’t list them…they probably don’t really even know that something is wrong because all the children there are living through the same thing.

No one ever told me how HARD I was going to have to fight the system. That people I’ve called friends for years would begin to drift away and others who are strong enough to feel my pain and help me with it would step up. No one told me that authority figures would never have heard of RAD and often totally disregard it and me and my children’s needs.
No one told me that they would have so much trouble making friends and not really understand what a friend is.

No one told me that even on the darkest days – when giving up sounds like the sweetest relief, that I would find strength anywhere I could grasp it and I would not give up on myself or them. I’m determined to beat this and bring them with me…no one told me that.

Mountain update...

2009-09-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

Just in...DS2 is home in one piece and the first thing I can report is that there was NO REPORT from the 'camp'. Maybe even bigger news if that he brought EVERYTHING home that he took with him in the first place. This may seem like a small thing...but from the child who forgets where his shoes are on a daily basis...this is HUGE. He was very proud to unload and watch me check it all off. He's in a good mood - bit of a lost voice and tired...but is being so compliant and loving. What a nice thing!

For the few of you who have commented recently and are 'new' readers - and all my old readers also! I appreciate each and every comment and am too tech non-savvy to know how to reply directly to you!!! It really does help to know there are others who get it and have lived in the trenches with me...it's what gets me through many days. I hope that maybe just reading one thing that 'sounds like your life' can get you through a day a little easier!!!

Tomorrow Grown in my Heart is starting a blog carnival. Look for the Things I wish I Had Known Before Adoption here on my blog as well as checking out all the other writers and please join in on your blog as well...you'll be able to hook up through Mr. Linky! Check it out tomorrow at www.growninmyheart.com!

The coconut game...where's the reality?

2009-09-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

The facade of the great year DD was having came crashing down yesterday. I went to school to volunteer and ended up finding out that little has changed...other than her having a teacher that maybe didn't actually understand what I outlined at the beginning of the year. Disappointment really set in. There was such pride at my house both for her and in her...she seemed to be 'doing it' - really making a change. Nope...it was smoke and mirrors.
The teacher met me as we walked to tell me what a turnaround year she felt DD was having. Then, she started listing the 'little things' that are happening. The list included EVERY thing that has happened every year that has made our home life so challenging. I love the idea of home and school being seperate...but when my DD is learning that she can control the information I receive - the she is contolling an adult...it's dangerous territory for her. Heck, I think it is somewhat dangerous for any child to see that they have that control.
DD makes the bad choice and then says "PLEASE don't email my mom, are you emailing my mom...she'll be SO MAD". I believe she's leading teacher to believe that things happen here...once again, ogre mom who takes away food or spanks or grounds for long periods of time because her daughter was out of her seat. So, teacher has NOT been emailing me...reassuring DD that it's 'not a big deal' - as long as there isn't blood, there is no reason for mom to know. Of course, she planned on telling me...but telling me this far after all these things have happened does little good. DD barely 'remembers' what happened that day...she'll feign complete ignorance of any misdeed yesterday.
This has been going on all year (over a month)...and I've never been told. She's still manipulating, lying, trying her best to do everything she's been asked not to do without getting caught. She's not good at it...she gets caught - but it doesn't get back to me.
When she got called on it last night - it was typical answers. NO, I didn't do that! That's not true. I don't know what you are talking about. I could see the anger at her teacher and at us boiling under the surface. She's mad that the control she thought she had didn't work...she's mad to be held accountable...she is mad that maybe, just maybe, the teacher doesn't believe I'm evil.
On the way to tumbling she was crying (please note: no one yelled, there was no consequence set down on her...as you can see, her life was going on as normal...we're at a loss as to what you can do to consequence or change a child that seems to not care at all about basically anything)...and she blurts out "I don't like you because my first mother in Russia was a beautiful woman. She loved me and cared for me and she would bring me toys after she'd been out drinking." Just the craziness of that sentence nearly made me laugh. She went on to tell me that she was deeply loved. I stayed calm and pointed out that adoption doesn't happen because there is nothing wrong in a family. As per our attachment therapist, I used the honest facts that I have in a calm tone. I'm not trying to tear her birth family apart in her mind...in their own way they did love her...but, they couldn't/didn't care for her. They weren't feeding her (yet, I get blamed for that ALL the time)...her mother didn't even come to court to fight for her. I can't truly understand what that must feel like - but I do have an idea.
My biological father stopped coming for visitation one day when I was 8. I had my bags packed for the weekend and he just never showed. He lived 7 miles from me for 10 years and never called, sent a card...didn't even come to my high school graduation when I invited him. I still don't have a relationship with him. But, I allowed my step-father in...he's not my step-dad...he's the man that raised me and tucked me in at night and was there to take my prom pictures and throw me a birthday party. He gave me a few dollars to put gas in my tank...he loved me and still does. There is no genetic tie there - yet, I don't drag it around all day with me. I wish she could do the same. I wish peace for her little heart and soul...
I could hear the tears in the back...it felt like an actual emotional break through. We pulled into the lot at her gym and I actually expected we wouldn't go to class. I thought she was coming to terms with some things, so I turned to tell her we could just go home and cuddle and talk and when I turned...she was jumping out saying "see you in there". Her face wasn't red...there weren't dried tears on her cheeks and I sat wondering "was any of that real?"...I am constantly amazed at how out of touch she is with her emotions. I have cried for her, with her about her past. It stinks and it's not fair and it's worthy of tears and anger and sadness. Yet, I seem to be responsible to cry for both of us...
As for school - I emailed the teacher. While this was happening, I was too shell shocked to know what to say. Now, I wonder how the rest of this year will go. I'm back to looking like a crazy person - I was hoping for one year where we could just sail through and things actually went easily. I guess this may not be that year.

Teen angel

2009-09-13T18:20:00.001-07:00

My oldest son became a teenager on Labor Day. It was fitting for it to come on that day this year, because I actually was, at one time, in labor with him! I just want to take a moment to say a few words about his life in these years.
He is a special young man. I was given this gift at an odd time in my life. Done with college, but not ready for life and obviously not making the best decisions...but what an answer he became. I knew from the first second I found out about him that my life was going to change and I wanted him to be the center of it. His first few years were not that of normal child-rearing books. I was still dating and his 'circle' consisted of my best friends and weekends with Mimi and Ada. My friends and I were like co-parents. DS1 and I were so blessed to have people love us and help us. We had a house with a yard and he became the center of so many people's lives. He slept with me every night (bad momma...tired momma...unwilling to deal with tears momma) and I remember his scent from way back then. He was obsessed with tractors (Ada is a farmer...that's my dad) and trucks - for his third birthday we had hay rides in my backyard using a John Deere lawnmower with a small wagon attached. He was the happiest kid ever. There were times when it didn't feel like there were enough hours in the day to do what needed to be done...but he was happy with fruit for dinner (again, bad momma) and ice cream for dessert.
Right before he turned four...we found DH and life changed again. He was always happy and that dimple in his cheek can still do me in. He went from a little hyper boy who struggled in school, to a relaxed, laid back kid with a competitive drive in everything from baseball to algebra. While the changes he goes through can be hard on a relationship - he's still my baby. I make him sit on my lap sometimes and he does it - and maybe even enjoys it. His scent isn't quite so sweet (why won't he lather on the baby lotion anymore) and his laugh has grown to sound like a man's...but I can still see him running through a park in his diaper and wanting someone - wanting me - wanting his mom.
I am a lucky woman for many reasons and this amazing child is one of them!
Happy birthday to my no longer little boy...may your teenage years be years of happiness, growth and independence from doubt and maybe even from your crazy mom!

2009-09-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I'm a good adoptive parent and what makes me angry is that there has to be differentiation. I read a incredibly moving post today at Grown in my Heart. It's by a woman that works in China at a foster home for special needs children. Her viewpoint is something that I've obviously never lived and the article is poignant and touching. You can find it here: http://www.growninmyheart.com/redemptive-response-to-tragedy
Then I felt an attack. I can't tell if I really felt 'attacked' or if it was internal. Am I really a failure parenting my children because I can't continuously live in a place of tragedy or redemption with them? Does it make me a bad mother because I just want there to be normal in our lives? Does living through their pain, neglect and trauma nominate me for an award in the adoptive parent category?
I really don't know...but I don't do it. Not every day...sure, it pops into my head quite often. I talk with them and try to relate the struggles we are having to the things that have happened. But, I don't come at every situation in the 'you are hurt so badly and I need to nurture your pain' standpoint. So...maybe I'm part of the problem - not the solution.
Boy, that would suck for all involved, huh?

the butterfly effect

2009-08-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

I could not have been more wrong about how this school year would go. DD has both shocked and amazed me with her glorious choices at school. Her teacher knows what to look for and still she is passing all tests with flying colors. She gets to attend a sleepover this weekend and participate in choir at school (something she's been looking forward to for 2 years) and it's all due to her wonderful actions at school. At home, she still struggles...she may always struggle at home. But, homework hasn't been a big deal and I find that dealing with her behaviors is much easier for me right now - maybe just because there is such a golden lining on the school front.
OTOH, DS2 is bombing in most arenas. His behavior at school is not atrocious...but it's just lacking on all fronts. He's turning in work that is sub-par - actually illegible...the bright spot there is that his teacher is calling him on it and I believe she'll be giving him the grade he's honestly earning - which probably isn't good right now. We found that he tested high on the state tests. I know that isn't a great predictor of ability - but by school standards it means that I have little leeway in claiming that he needs more services. We are looking into options for next year...we wrote up a 'contract' with him outlining the behavior guides he needed to reach. They are very basic...nothing that should be hard for even a child half his age. He's not reaching those goals. He has lost privileges dealing with school (he's not going on the 6th grade trip in a few weeks) and I'm sad. Mostly sad for him...but sad for us too...we want him to succeed so badly. I'm finding dealing with him excessively difficult.
So, it's a complete turnaround from my expectations - yet, sadly - still correct in one way. One is succeeding and one isn't!

what's the movie with the boiled rabbit?

2009-08-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

DD is obsessed with DS2. I don't know how else to put it. I know I've commented on it before, but it's getting so bad lately. Yesterday (which I'll tell about soon) she told me that she would rather go away with him than be in our family. That's interesting and really, actually, painful to hear.
The kids get home from school late this year...don't walk in the door until 4:35. Many times we have activities or even just dinner and they don't get homework done. So, when that is the case, they go to bed early in order to wake early (since DS1 has to be up at 6:40) and do their work in time for school. So, yesterday, DS2 had to get up early. I made the mistake of telling him his schedule in front of her. I think I learned that lesson. She went to bed at her normal time and YET...bright and early...as soon as I got Cole up...here she came. She was out of her room, hiding on the balcony to stare at him doing his work. After being caught (she's not quiet enough to sneak around in a silent house early in the morning) she lied and said that we were being too loud and she couldn't sleep. She received the pleasure of doing chores for over an hour while he completed his work and I sat and relaxed. If she's going to be up - she may as well be useful!
I kid you not, every time I looked at her, she had found a reason to be in the living room with him (the chores were in the bathrooms) - simply staring longingly. Ok, that sounds yucky - but there really isn't another way to say it.
According to her files, there is no sexual abuse...but I'm really starting to wonder. Can a 10 year old be this obsessed with a boy (who is her adopted brother...Jerry Springer comes to mind again) and, for the record, other boys without there being something else in her history? I just don't know.
We discussed how families work - used mine as an example. Siblings grow up together and care about each other - but mom and dad are the central people in a family. Then siblings grow up and leave their family. They remain friends and hopefully stay close in heart - but chances are that there will be miles between most siblings. Each person goes about life and creates a new family...it doesn't mean you lose your childhood family, but you are tied to your new one more firmly. I pointed out that when I tell a story and say "my family", I mean DH, DD, DS1 and DS2...none of whom were with me when I was young. Should I be talking about childhood folks, I start out by saying "My sister, L" or "my mother in XX". Did she get it? Well...her response was "I can move wherever he goes". So, no - I don't think so.
Overall, I worry about the effect of this on DS2. He feels sorrow for her so often. If he plays with her and moves on later, she tells him that she has no one except him. She guilts him incredibly. She is his shadow and he asks me for help - which I give him...but at the cost of him feeling even more guilty. I have to physically remove her many times from his side. It generally ends in him getting to choose where to play or what to do and me forcing her to be elsewhere (actually, she generally ends up with me in time-in). I am having trouble distinguishing a response to this one.

soapbox - big soapbox

2009-08-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

So I got an email today from the vice-principal. She gave the information I sent to the EAs (classroom/lunchroom assistants) and *gasp* - none of them had ever seen any of what I mentioned. NO WAY! My children are faking someone out...I cannot believe it. Did I not mention that they would act like angels for the first month or so? Now, I am wondering if they all just think I'm crazy and then I realize that I don't CARE! Nope. Crazy woman is my Native American name now. Like 'call me Ishmail' - but crazier!
I'm back to wanting the sign. I want to laminate something and carry it and have it say "You can think I'm crazy and guess what? It won't change my home life...THAT will still be crazy!"
This morning was very quiet at my house. If I couldn't say something nice - I decided to say nothing and there it is. Seriously, not a word spoken from me - except "time to leave for the bus". They got breakfast, they got supervision and they got safely sent out the front door. That was the best I had today.
I met some ladies for coffee at Starbucks and I'm yet again impressed with the glory of friends and strangers. So many people have told me that they are scared to talk about attachment disorder, scared of being judged harshly or honestly, being embarassed (heck, I'm embarassed everyday...) - and I get that. I was scared too. But, since I've named it and claimed it - I have been truly blessed. I've yet to meet anyone IRL that hasn't been totally supportive. Not that they get it - how can you without living it? But, they listen, they care about someone going through something hard (me at this time). I was afraid I would end of blubbering over a frap at the table and instead I could talk and laugh and feel ok. Yes, I had to go back to real life and I'll have to a mom again in a few hours...but wow...how fabulous my life is to get the joy of being listened to.
I read an article today about how to bring yourself out of a funk. Most of it was the typical stuff - be thankful for what you have (two children trying to kill me), name 5 things that have gone right lately (Starbucks...and.....ummmmm.....), so on. One of the ideas said to give back. Volunteer or even buy a gallon of milk for a neighbor...that one I like. People give to me a lot...I'm going to find a way to do that each day. Just give back...

The jinx is on

2009-08-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

Within hours of posting about the beauty of it all - it fell apart. I find out that Cole has been warned twice and consequenced twice (three of these in one day). He lied to me about it and even called his teacher a liar when I read him the email she sent. The theatrics were incredible and amazingly, my voice only raised after he told me how terrible and hateful I am for the 100th time. I was tired at that point.
DD went to the park across the street, where we can see her - I glance out the window at least once every 2 minutes. All seemed fine. DH went out to get her and it took forever to call her over (from 50 feet away) - when I walked out DH was fuming and staring down a man across the street and I find out that DD had beelined for him (after checking the window to see if we were looking) and talked to him and picked up the hat he had 'dropped'. I can't explain how many times we've discussed this! She walked in the garage already saying that she 'didn't do anything' and I think I skipped in the space/time continuum. I left. Threw a piece of corn back in the pot and left. Took my keys, said good-bye and got in my car and drove. It probably wasn't so safe - I had no shoes, no purse - no idea where I was going.
Maybe the upside is that I found a lovely walking trailhead that I never knew was there!

I am NOT jinxing this...

2009-08-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

BUT - I have to tell this far and wide. My DD has had 3 good days in a row at school. Home hasn't been so bad either. It may seem small - and yes, it's the beginning and she's in "impress" mode - however, it's impressive none-the-less!
DS2 is doing allright also...I will know more after meeting with his teacher Monday. Homework didn't go well already - but we put a foot down (or up his hiney...) and he seemed to turn it around yesterday.
That's really it - I'm feeling good right now!!!

Attachment in the strangest places

2009-08-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

I had a bike wreck. The details are a little sketchy, even to me, but alas - I ended up on the ground with my ankle under the bike. Cole and I both heard a huge pop and I was sure it was broken. After a trip to urgent care, I am lucky to know it's not broken - just sprained. So, crutches and splints and swelling are all around me! While I can't move and I'm terrible on crutches...one great thing is coming out of this. Attachment. I can't believe I'm saying this - but I believe this could be the best thing that's ever happened to my children and I in the attachment realm. After I fell DD was RIGHT THERE...close to me - concerned and worried about my well-being. She was cradling my head and stroking me - so loving. DH left with the boys to get the car and she sat there quietly, right beside me - giving me drinks and being very attentive. But, not overly so - not fake. It's hard to explain the difference. Sometimes if I sneeze, she'll run over and get down in front of me and yell out "Oh my gosh, are you ok?"...that's not real. This has been so different. After we got home and DH laid me on the couch to check the scrapes and swelling - she had tears in her eyes asking if I'd be ok. She said "I don't want a broken mother". After telling her that I wasn't totally broken and that no matter what, I'm the only mother she has - broken or not....she was able to let DH take me to urgent care. DS1 said she worried the whole time. Since then, she's been quite the nursemaid to me - she brings me breakfast and answers the phone...she even did a few loads of laundry and delivered the clothes I folded to everyone's rooms. My kids are always helpful, but they have all 3 stepped up majorly these past couple of days. I'm very blessed.

The swine ruined the summer!

2009-07-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

We've had some sorrow around here this week...After DS1 attended camp and had a fabulous time, the camp had an outbreak of H1N1 (swine flu). Camps all over the nation are succumbing to this easily spreadable disease. The state shut them down for the week that DD was supposed to go and it did not work out for her to go the next week. After much deliberation, we decided we didn't feel comfortable sending DS2 (nor did it seem fair). There really was not a good answer here and of course, the kids were sad. Admitedly, I was a bit relieved. I didn't know if I could have enjoyed the week, worrying about the kids there all that time on their own. I just don't know how they'll react yet. I'm not helicoptering...but with DD having a split lip that is still scabbed - well, it just seemed like a reason that she may tell a story!
The positive of this is that although they were sad (we told them seperately and allowed time to 'grieve' with us) - they handled it and really acted mature about it. They understood that it wasn't us out to get them. It wasn't a battle that they continued to fight. DD mentioned it a few times - being sad for not going...which I TOTALLY understand. I told her she gets extra hugs every day for being such a brave, big girl. This week is really a test for her. She was supposed to be gone and so - I put DS2 in a day camp and DS1 made lots of plans, as did I! So, she is making a go of it on her own (not alone in the house...but 'alone' in that the other kids are gone and I'm swamped). This is my child that cannot spend 5 minutes alone. She's done more like 30 minutes so far today. Big stuff!
We registered DS1 for 8th grade today. I can't believe how fast time flies. He was bummed about his a couple of class assignments and the fact that, again, he doesn't seem to have any buddies on his team at school (they are separated into teams for core classes). As we talked though, I could see realization that life stinks sometimes. You take what you get and don't throw a fit! He'll make it through...and I'll be able to let him do that on his own - even when it stinks! I hope...
I'm working on setting more realistic goals...both long-term and short-term. I'm the one who preaches that IF TODAY IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS, you have to be ok with that...but I don't live it very well. The stress that lingers around here seems to be tied to expectations. I know I'll never be able to completely not have any - I'm too goal-oriented...but maybe making them a little easier to achieve would be ok.
I'm trying to read the Four Agreements. Anyone read that? It seems very 'crystals hold power' to me...but I'm only a few pages in. I seem to have ADD every time I pick it up. But, it was assigned by my therapist and like the little geek from high school, I'll finish it just to be able to kiss up and look like a good student!

tears on my pillow

2009-07-17T20:13:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just have to cry. I hold it in a lot...especially in front of the kids. It's incredibly sad to know that my crying means they'll feel they've won. But, tonight was the night. I'm mourning for things I'll never have. Normal - even the new one I've been trying to nail down...seems to always be right out of reach.
DD has a big performance tomorrow. I have been SO excited for her and for us - really, our family. This camp has taken a lot of time and she's worked hard. While she knew she had my support, I toned down my excitement for her because it's overwhelming for her sometimes. She's the star of this show tomorrow...tumbling, cheering, stunting...it felt so good to know how proud she could be of herself - HOW PROUD I am of her! Tonight she goes out to ride her scooter and it somehow turns into catastrophe. She comes in with a totally split lip - in three places. Blood everywhere and stories flying. Thank heavens DH was here - I'm bad with blood and the moments around that were flying. Once a calm set in I realized that she'll look like a mac truck hit her for the performance tomorrow. Forget the make-up she's supposed to wear...she may have black eyes and the whole package. Then I remember that she never cried. Not at all...
She and DS2 did this mess together and basically he ran into her face after she fell down with his bike. I don't believe a word of the story we were told. Neither of them cares.
I don't want to go tomorrow...I'm tired of explaining stuff and feeling embarrassed. I'm tired. I let it go...

busy bees....bzzzz, bzzzz

2009-07-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

We've been busy! I think everyone in our family rarely knows if we are coming and going and somehow, we are often doing both. There is some street maintenance going out right on our corner and one day the 'stop sign lady' actually walked to my driveway to ask me where I go all day!
I do have to say that our overscheduled summer has kept the incidences to a minimum. I would say the hardest couple of things going on right now are that the boys' want little to nothing to do with DD. She is a bit clingy because they are staying away from her. So, sad little girl mopes around our house with 'nothing to do'. That is why her camps are a savior this summer. The second thing that is happening is stupid questions! They are just getting worse. I'm hanging on, but wondering what brings this back up so often around here. Our therapist says that if a child wakes up every day and pretends to a be a chicken - soon they'll forget how to be a kid. So, my kids have woken up so many days and pretended to be stupid that they've forgotten how to be smart. They are SO smart...I can see things in them that I know are gifts - but unused for sure! I think part of my job is to remind them how smart they are.
I have come to start saying "there you go" all bubbly like when they get something right! At a concert the other night, DS2 looked at me and said "I feel stupid when you say that". Bummer. When I think I'm doing something right - it's not!
We had family in town last week and we had a great time. We rafted the Arkansas River and hit some class 2 and 3 rapids. DD rode right up front and was crazy brave...just so little fear in her. Thankfully her self harming is getting much better and she seems proud of seeing her legs clear up...however, there are still mysterious spots that show up from nowhere!

I get to find out who the kids teachers' are on Wednesday. I must admit that I have some nervous feelings about this. I just want to know that this will be a good year...and I feel like the teacher decision is a big part of that. On the school front - I can't believe that DS2 is going into 6th grade...can't believe it so much that I'm dying to hold him back. I feel scared for him...his maturity, his attention span and his size even. I don't want him to have to be the 'little' guy his whole school life. DH says we need to let him go through 6th this year and re-evaluate before he moves on to middle school. I'm open to that...but will be hard core about letting him move on again! His grades are fine...it's the other stuff that gets me all worked up.

Can't believe I have an 8th grader this year or that little girl is going into 4th. I'm amazed at how quickly time flies! Tomorrow we are off to a HUGE water park and I'm hoping for a good day!

Sleep away camp starts on Sunday with DS1 heading off first. I have to figure out this week how to put all his 'stuff' into one backpack...he may not get to be as big a fashion plate as usual!

Hope all your summer's are going well.