Play along and write a poem about adoption to share with the blogging world at http://www.growninmyheart.com/adoption-carnival-poetry.
Half a world away
I thought you would be waiting
I was waiting for you
You didn't know I was coming
It has been hard to accept
each other
It has been hard to learn
about each other
You didn't want us to come
half a world away
You didn't want to come "home"
to a new place and a new face
The new face was now Mom
and you revolted
And I retreated
It has been hard to accept
Years have passed
and still we battle to find
things about each other
Things that can make us feel
Less than half a world away...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The ties that bind
My mom called me. Shouldn't be a big thing...but we hadn't spoken in almost 6 months and well, it's usually me that calls first. So, it was a deal - although I tried hard not to make it a big one.
We talked for a while. It just doesn't feel like I wish it did.
And, then my sister crashed in. I'm pretty sure it will never feel like I hoped it would again.
My sister is a hateful, spiteful person. She has been rude and nasty to me for as long as she has been old enough to be those things. I have always longed for a relationship with her...probably because she is so attached to my mom and I also long for a relationship with my mom. But, today I realized (again...and who knows if this big revelation will stick?) that will probably never happen. We are just too different.
I see those clips of dogs raising kittens or monkeys raising bear cubs...and I wonder how it's possible for my family to hate me so.
My sister actually likes to let me know that NO she doesn't care what I do or did, because basically she doesn't even think about me enough to care. Is that supposed to be soothing?
So...tough morning after getting a not kind email from said sister (for those who know my sisters, this is not the sweet little blonde) - I cried. DH couldn't understand it and pointed out all the hurtful things she has done to me. All the times she ignored us, too busy to even call back when I tried to reach out...but I still mourn. I spent some time typing a response which I was happy with. It said what is true - that I'm hurt and tired of being so - and wrapped up with the fact that I am choosing to have people in my life that lift me up, not bring me down. I guess it was my ending to a long and troubled road. In that ending, I believe that so follows my ending of getting to talk to my mom as well.
As I wanted to say tonight after her new response (I was SO HOPING she would just read mine and let it go)...she and my mother seem very symbiotic...there isn't room in there for me.
All this to get to...
DS2 and I had a date today. We needed to go shopping for the last of his stuff for school. In one week we'll be taking him to KY and he'll be starting what I hope to be a fabulous year of growth and healing.
As we drove to the mall he asked me if I had been crying at breakfast.
Well, not crying AT breakfast, but yes, I was crying before hand.
What happened?
I got hurt by Aunt XXX again. It's just enough and I cried because I'm going to miss thinking that we could be close. But, we can't.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings again.
I'm sorry that we've hurt each other's feelings. I hope and pray I've never made you feel like I don't love you. It stinks to think someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. It really hurts.
DS2: You should just be happy that you have people here who love you.
And, I honestly believe that somewhere deep down - he meant him.
We talked for a while. It just doesn't feel like I wish it did.
And, then my sister crashed in. I'm pretty sure it will never feel like I hoped it would again.
My sister is a hateful, spiteful person. She has been rude and nasty to me for as long as she has been old enough to be those things. I have always longed for a relationship with her...probably because she is so attached to my mom and I also long for a relationship with my mom. But, today I realized (again...and who knows if this big revelation will stick?) that will probably never happen. We are just too different.
I see those clips of dogs raising kittens or monkeys raising bear cubs...and I wonder how it's possible for my family to hate me so.
My sister actually likes to let me know that NO she doesn't care what I do or did, because basically she doesn't even think about me enough to care. Is that supposed to be soothing?
So...tough morning after getting a not kind email from said sister (for those who know my sisters, this is not the sweet little blonde) - I cried. DH couldn't understand it and pointed out all the hurtful things she has done to me. All the times she ignored us, too busy to even call back when I tried to reach out...but I still mourn. I spent some time typing a response which I was happy with. It said what is true - that I'm hurt and tired of being so - and wrapped up with the fact that I am choosing to have people in my life that lift me up, not bring me down. I guess it was my ending to a long and troubled road. In that ending, I believe that so follows my ending of getting to talk to my mom as well.
As I wanted to say tonight after her new response (I was SO HOPING she would just read mine and let it go)...she and my mother seem very symbiotic...there isn't room in there for me.
All this to get to...
DS2 and I had a date today. We needed to go shopping for the last of his stuff for school. In one week we'll be taking him to KY and he'll be starting what I hope to be a fabulous year of growth and healing.
As we drove to the mall he asked me if I had been crying at breakfast.
Well, not crying AT breakfast, but yes, I was crying before hand.
What happened?
I got hurt by Aunt XXX again. It's just enough and I cried because I'm going to miss thinking that we could be close. But, we can't.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings again.
I'm sorry that we've hurt each other's feelings. I hope and pray I've never made you feel like I don't love you. It stinks to think someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. It really hurts.
DS2: You should just be happy that you have people here who love you.
And, I honestly believe that somewhere deep down - he meant him.
Monday, May 24, 2010
lunch
How torn can I be over a lunch?
Today is DS2's big end-of-year bash at school. It's at a park and they were to bring a lunch. He packed his lunch last night. He wrote himself a note - DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH. With many crossed out words and lots of mispelling.
He had 10 minutes to waste at the door this morning reading comics. He had time to ask to take 20 things for the party: cap, football, frisbee, etc. YET - his lunch sits in the fridge. He borrowed a cell phone on the bus to call and ask for it. He called again from school to let me know what time to bring it to him. He's been told twice that I won't bring it.
In twelve days, he moves. I won't be there to remind him - which I did this morning by saying "do you have everything?" - I won't be there to run things to him - which, for the record, I've never done before either. Love and logic says not to do it...he won't starve. Yet, there is no logic in our relationship anyway. Should I take it as a movement toward him learning that I care enough to do it? Would he get that at all?
I have to walk out the door right now and can't decide if the lunch should stay put or I should make a stop to deliver it. There doesn't seem to be a right answer...
Why can a lunch make me so torn?
Today is DS2's big end-of-year bash at school. It's at a park and they were to bring a lunch. He packed his lunch last night. He wrote himself a note - DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH. With many crossed out words and lots of mispelling.
He had 10 minutes to waste at the door this morning reading comics. He had time to ask to take 20 things for the party: cap, football, frisbee, etc. YET - his lunch sits in the fridge. He borrowed a cell phone on the bus to call and ask for it. He called again from school to let me know what time to bring it to him. He's been told twice that I won't bring it.
In twelve days, he moves. I won't be there to remind him - which I did this morning by saying "do you have everything?" - I won't be there to run things to him - which, for the record, I've never done before either. Love and logic says not to do it...he won't starve. Yet, there is no logic in our relationship anyway. Should I take it as a movement toward him learning that I care enough to do it? Would he get that at all?
I have to walk out the door right now and can't decide if the lunch should stay put or I should make a stop to deliver it. There doesn't seem to be a right answer...
Why can a lunch make me so torn?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mom issues
We have actually had nice weather...even a day where the kids could wear shorts without freezing to death. I've been able to sit at a couple of baseball games without a winter coat on...
However, I realize that this could change at any moment. We live in a gorgeous place with a very real chance of snow every month except July and August...the change is ok with me.
We live with quick change every day - in many more ways than the weather.
I was thinking about the future yesterday on my walk. We don't know for sure where we'll be and we often talk about retirement and where we'd want to live. I consistently say that I will base it on where our children are...I want to be involved in my grandkids lives and I want to see my children succeed. Especially in relationships. But, I know they may not want me there. I wonder how that actually feels. I know multiple women who've been cut out by grown kids - both RAD and 'mainstream'. I know that I've done so many things that (especially DS2) can and will view as negative. Will he not want me even then?
Of course, I can't help but mix into these thoughts the fact that my mother and I are estranged again. It's a roller coaster ride, but I did not choose it. As a mother - even a mother of troubled kids (which I suppose I probably was/am) - I cannot fathom cutting them off completely. What would be the reasons? I'll admit that I would have trouble with major committing of crimes. I may not be the first in line at a prison gate or sitting right behind the defense table during a trial. I am not sure I would 'get that'...and I wouldn't want to hear excuses for why my child could not help it. I'm not sure how I would do with drug addiction. Then again, you can't aid and abet if that happens. I know that I would be able to 'intervene' to let them know that I wasn't going to help them until they were clean. Beyond that - I can't imagine what would make me totally cut them off.
Religious differences wouldn't do it (ok, if they decided to take up the flag of jihad...I'd have issues with that)...and lifestyle choices wouldn't do it (although I also would be sure they came to MY house for dinners if they chose to live in a mud hut in a desert)...but those are my transgressions. Going on five months without a call or anything from my mother - and I have decided that this time (compared to the 100s of times before that she's done this) - I'm not making the first move. I have to deal with the fact that this could be long-term. And, I can't imagine doing it to my kids.
We've laughed that I'm probably RAD. Heavens knows that I'm a carbon copy in so many ways - or vice versa - of all DD's issues. I told her the other day that we are very much alike and she started listing the ways...thankfully the list included good stuff...not just our 'crazies'.
I hope that all my kids want me in their lives. I hope they want me for more than just a babysitter (although I'll do that with a 48 hour limit)! I hope that we can sit down when they are adults and I'm open to talking through the issues they feel I've created in them and they are ready to hear the more grown-up version of events. I hope that I love them for what they become and I hope they love me for what I've always been.
However, I realize that this could change at any moment. We live in a gorgeous place with a very real chance of snow every month except July and August...the change is ok with me.
We live with quick change every day - in many more ways than the weather.
I was thinking about the future yesterday on my walk. We don't know for sure where we'll be and we often talk about retirement and where we'd want to live. I consistently say that I will base it on where our children are...I want to be involved in my grandkids lives and I want to see my children succeed. Especially in relationships. But, I know they may not want me there. I wonder how that actually feels. I know multiple women who've been cut out by grown kids - both RAD and 'mainstream'. I know that I've done so many things that (especially DS2) can and will view as negative. Will he not want me even then?
Of course, I can't help but mix into these thoughts the fact that my mother and I are estranged again. It's a roller coaster ride, but I did not choose it. As a mother - even a mother of troubled kids (which I suppose I probably was/am) - I cannot fathom cutting them off completely. What would be the reasons? I'll admit that I would have trouble with major committing of crimes. I may not be the first in line at a prison gate or sitting right behind the defense table during a trial. I am not sure I would 'get that'...and I wouldn't want to hear excuses for why my child could not help it. I'm not sure how I would do with drug addiction. Then again, you can't aid and abet if that happens. I know that I would be able to 'intervene' to let them know that I wasn't going to help them until they were clean. Beyond that - I can't imagine what would make me totally cut them off.
Religious differences wouldn't do it (ok, if they decided to take up the flag of jihad...I'd have issues with that)...and lifestyle choices wouldn't do it (although I also would be sure they came to MY house for dinners if they chose to live in a mud hut in a desert)...but those are my transgressions. Going on five months without a call or anything from my mother - and I have decided that this time (compared to the 100s of times before that she's done this) - I'm not making the first move. I have to deal with the fact that this could be long-term. And, I can't imagine doing it to my kids.
We've laughed that I'm probably RAD. Heavens knows that I'm a carbon copy in so many ways - or vice versa - of all DD's issues. I told her the other day that we are very much alike and she started listing the ways...thankfully the list included good stuff...not just our 'crazies'.
I hope that all my kids want me in their lives. I hope they want me for more than just a babysitter (although I'll do that with a 48 hour limit)! I hope that we can sit down when they are adults and I'm open to talking through the issues they feel I've created in them and they are ready to hear the more grown-up version of events. I hope that I love them for what they become and I hope they love me for what I've always been.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Just trying to keep it on the down low
Yesterday I picked up a new couch for the office. Later that evening, DS2 came up to me and whispered "I like the new stuff in the office, it looks nice"...I whispered back "why are we whispering?" and he said:
"In case Dad didn't know you bought it, I'm keeping it on the down low."
So sweet...really...
It's not that I sneak around a lot buying things my hubby doesn't know about and I am certainly not good enough to be able to sneak in a couch. But, I have, in the past, purchased littler things that I didn't want drawn to his attention specifically. DS2 pointed out a few of those times. What really came out of this is that he was thinking of me - in some distorted, strange way. Then I realized that our world is often distorted and strange...so, he fit right in last night.
He's always been my 'decorating' buddy. He likes to look at things for the house and always has opinions. The artistic, creative parts of his brain really flow in that arena. I hope he pursues it, but I found when I would point out to him how good he was - he would tell me that only "gay guys" decorate and it would end in anger. I've learned to not tell him as much when I think he's great...but try to show it other ways.
So, when he told me he liked the furniture that we were keeping on the down low, I asked more questions. Why do you like it? What about it do you think looks good? As we chatted, I rubbed his back. It's the first time he's allowed me to touch him in months...beyond a good night hug. I didn't draw any attention to it and neither did he.
At DDs birthday dinner last night, he was creating as shopping list with me of things he wants to take to school. Word search books, his rubiks cube, a few new iTunes songs...just things that jump in his mind. I was again, rubbing his back (btw, he sat by me and did not complain) and I started to say "Hey, why don't you..."
and he broke in "make a list...I know you like lists, and I can see why. I'm always forgetting things and if I just wrote them down, I wouldn't forget. I'll make a list for our shopping trip. It's just you and me isn't it?" Yes - thank goodness - right now it is...just you and me.
"In case Dad didn't know you bought it, I'm keeping it on the down low."
So sweet...really...
It's not that I sneak around a lot buying things my hubby doesn't know about and I am certainly not good enough to be able to sneak in a couch. But, I have, in the past, purchased littler things that I didn't want drawn to his attention specifically. DS2 pointed out a few of those times. What really came out of this is that he was thinking of me - in some distorted, strange way. Then I realized that our world is often distorted and strange...so, he fit right in last night.
He's always been my 'decorating' buddy. He likes to look at things for the house and always has opinions. The artistic, creative parts of his brain really flow in that arena. I hope he pursues it, but I found when I would point out to him how good he was - he would tell me that only "gay guys" decorate and it would end in anger. I've learned to not tell him as much when I think he's great...but try to show it other ways.
So, when he told me he liked the furniture that we were keeping on the down low, I asked more questions. Why do you like it? What about it do you think looks good? As we chatted, I rubbed his back. It's the first time he's allowed me to touch him in months...beyond a good night hug. I didn't draw any attention to it and neither did he.
At DDs birthday dinner last night, he was creating as shopping list with me of things he wants to take to school. Word search books, his rubiks cube, a few new iTunes songs...just things that jump in his mind. I was again, rubbing his back (btw, he sat by me and did not complain) and I started to say "Hey, why don't you..."
and he broke in "make a list...I know you like lists, and I can see why. I'm always forgetting things and if I just wrote them down, I wouldn't forget. I'll make a list for our shopping trip. It's just you and me isn't it?" Yes - thank goodness - right now it is...just you and me.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
birthday candles at the gym
Tomorrow is my precious little girl's birthday. She's growing up and I'm so proud of her. She's funny and motivated...she's sweet and silly...she's becoming the young lady I so hoped she could become.
She gets to work hard for her birthday - dance and tumbline evaluations. Oh yes, she made the team she had set as her goal for cheer. She is SO proud and I'm so happy to see her achieve something she set out to do! We had the team meetings tonight and realized quickly that our lives will be dominated by the gym for the next 11 months! I'm more than willing to make that committment for her...because I can see HER making the committment.
I can't wait to see her in her uniform (they jump right into this...she gets fitted in 2 weeks)...very sparkly!
So, in celebration of her birthday:
I remember the day I first saw your face
I remember the red checked dress you wore and
the stains it carried
I remember how you were willing to sit on my lap,
but not willing to really relax
I also remember 3 years later the first time you did
I remember feeling you melt into me and thinking
I finally have a little girl
I saw the changes come in waves
I saw you hold back time and again
And now I see...well, you
Growing, learning, laughing
Not just getting smarter at school,
but, more importantly - at home.
As you gain this new year in your life...
know that I want to share it all with you.
I will somday remember this year in your life...
and I will know that we became more Mom and daughter every single day.
Happy birthday my sweet little girl...
She gets to work hard for her birthday - dance and tumbline evaluations. Oh yes, she made the team she had set as her goal for cheer. She is SO proud and I'm so happy to see her achieve something she set out to do! We had the team meetings tonight and realized quickly that our lives will be dominated by the gym for the next 11 months! I'm more than willing to make that committment for her...because I can see HER making the committment.
I can't wait to see her in her uniform (they jump right into this...she gets fitted in 2 weeks)...very sparkly!
So, in celebration of her birthday:
I remember the day I first saw your face
I remember the red checked dress you wore and
the stains it carried
I remember how you were willing to sit on my lap,
but not willing to really relax
I also remember 3 years later the first time you did
I remember feeling you melt into me and thinking
I finally have a little girl
I saw the changes come in waves
I saw you hold back time and again
And now I see...well, you
Growing, learning, laughing
Not just getting smarter at school,
but, more importantly - at home.
As you gain this new year in your life...
know that I want to share it all with you.
I will somday remember this year in your life...
and I will know that we became more Mom and daughter every single day.
Happy birthday my sweet little girl...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
March on, soldier...
Today I said my piece.
I finally called the school district. I had tried hard to 'ignore' what happened...but it's not ok. My son is heading off to KY and one of the reasons is that THEY wouldn't help us. It's just really not ok. After jumping through all the hoops and turning in all the paperwork, I have not even heard back from the principal at my kids' school...not even a phone call or email....NOTHING. So, I spoke to his boss today.
He was politically correct - but very kind. I shared nothing but the truth of the situation and he really listened to what I want from this. At this point, there isn't much to ask for...DS2 is going to the boarding school and in the end, it's the right choice for us right now. But, I am so disappointed that we weren't given any other options.
What I need to have happen now from the principal is for support with DD...she still has two more years there and I cannot continue to fight every second to simply get what she needs. It's not ok. I will always fight for my kids - but I shouldn't have to fight with their school to just be supported. My DD can't learn when her concerns are centered around manipulating her teachers...which she continues to do. The stop sign needs to be put up and SUPPORTED!
So, I said it. I said it firmly and not in anger...just in truth.
I finally called the school district. I had tried hard to 'ignore' what happened...but it's not ok. My son is heading off to KY and one of the reasons is that THEY wouldn't help us. It's just really not ok. After jumping through all the hoops and turning in all the paperwork, I have not even heard back from the principal at my kids' school...not even a phone call or email....NOTHING. So, I spoke to his boss today.
He was politically correct - but very kind. I shared nothing but the truth of the situation and he really listened to what I want from this. At this point, there isn't much to ask for...DS2 is going to the boarding school and in the end, it's the right choice for us right now. But, I am so disappointed that we weren't given any other options.
What I need to have happen now from the principal is for support with DD...she still has two more years there and I cannot continue to fight every second to simply get what she needs. It's not ok. I will always fight for my kids - but I shouldn't have to fight with their school to just be supported. My DD can't learn when her concerns are centered around manipulating her teachers...which she continues to do. The stop sign needs to be put up and SUPPORTED!
So, I said it. I said it firmly and not in anger...just in truth.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Pictures of Mom
I'm playing in the Grown in my Heart carnival...you can play too by going to www.growninmyheart.com and linking up. However, I'm cheating. I don't have any pictures of my mom in the 'olden' days. Our house burned down on Christmas night during my freshman year of high school and all the pictures we had were lost. So, I'm going to write about the picture in my head of my mom...
It was a summer day and I was 7 years old. We were in my mom's cadillac convertible and my mom had been very sad lately. My dad had left us...it was a long time coming, but he didn't do it right. If there is a right way to leave? I had seen her cry a lot...I had heard her trying to hide it in her bedroom in the middle of the night, but I knew I couldn't help her. I wanted to be a really good girl and fix what had happened. I begged my dad to come back...
On this day, she had found some small happiness...the weather was beautiful and I remember looking over at her with her Farrah blond swept hair and her really big strawberry colored sunglasses. She was singing "that will be the daaaayyyyy that I die"...and she was happy. She was beautiful. I remember thinking that I needed to snap a mental picture of that moment, because even at 7 I knew that there was still a lot of pain to come. That was the moment that I wanted to be her.
Singing loud
smiling, wind-swept
Beautiful mom
As an aside...I wish my mom had never gone through that time. I wish my sister had been born into a family that was not broken. I wish I could still have my mom in a significant way. I always wonder if her divorce broke us also...I remind her of things that aren't positive. If she ever read this - I wish she could know that...
I miss her.
It was a summer day and I was 7 years old. We were in my mom's cadillac convertible and my mom had been very sad lately. My dad had left us...it was a long time coming, but he didn't do it right. If there is a right way to leave? I had seen her cry a lot...I had heard her trying to hide it in her bedroom in the middle of the night, but I knew I couldn't help her. I wanted to be a really good girl and fix what had happened. I begged my dad to come back...
On this day, she had found some small happiness...the weather was beautiful and I remember looking over at her with her Farrah blond swept hair and her really big strawberry colored sunglasses. She was singing "that will be the daaaayyyyy that I die"...and she was happy. She was beautiful. I remember thinking that I needed to snap a mental picture of that moment, because even at 7 I knew that there was still a lot of pain to come. That was the moment that I wanted to be her.
Singing loud
smiling, wind-swept
Beautiful mom
As an aside...I wish my mom had never gone through that time. I wish my sister had been born into a family that was not broken. I wish I could still have my mom in a significant way. I always wonder if her divorce broke us also...I remind her of things that aren't positive. If she ever read this - I wish she could know that...
I miss her.
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